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I cannot overrecommend marriage counseling. (And if you have kids, make sure the counselor has their own kids. It matters a lot.) We tend to devise all manner o
by lr4444lr 2y ago
I cannot overrecommend marriage counseling. (And if you have kids, make sure the counselor has their own kids. It matters a lot.) We tend to devise all manner of distortions about how our spouse really feels, and fear saying things that need to be said. It literally saved my marriage.
The reason it has a poor track record IMHO is what this guy is saying about the nail clipper: don't let the problems fester. Oncologists can only save people who are diligent about doing their cancer screenings to catch problems early.
- b3kart 2y ago> make sure the counselor has their own kids I sense a hint of prejudice, the “you’ll understand once you have kids” trope. Surely counsellors training is more important than their personal situation?
- lr4444lr 2y agoBoth matter, IME. The necessary empathy to make it work can be very hard to engender when the counselor can only understand the dynamics of what children do to a marriage on a detached, observational level.
- Cthulhu_ 2y agoYes, but there's a difference between learning the theory and experiencing the practice. When you see a counsellor you need to trust them and know that they understand; if they say "I understand what it's like to have a child like that because I read about it in a book" you will never be able to take them seriously.
- b3kart 2y agoIt depends on the type of therapy, I suppose, but I am not sure it’s reasonable to expect the therapist to have experienced all of the circumstances/problems you’re coming to them with. In my view, a good therapist should have the skills to ask the right _questions_, not give you the _answers_. They should help _you_ reflect and problem-solve.