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My wife and I recently did a model for how we expect our expenditure to increase once we have kids. We obviously will love our children but we find it irrespons

My wife and I recently did a model for how we expect our expenditure to increase once we have kids. We obviously will love our children but we find it irresponsible to not have done the exercise of how much our kids will cost per year (and what that means for our own personal savings etc).

lazide 2y ago
If only it was just that type of situation. There are the ‘I must be a stay at home mom/dad because I can’t handle the stress’ type situations. There are the ‘I need to buy x we can’t afford to be happy’ type situations. There are the ‘we have kids now and he/she can’t leave, so I can do whatever I want’ type situations. I had someone actively sabotage my job (in a very difficult to detect way) because they were worried I’d leave them if I was too ‘independent’, or got promoted. And I’ve seen many other people have spouses do that to them too. Everything from dramatically increasing stress levels at home, to sabotaging sleep, or creating health issues until the spouse stopped ‘getting away’. All the way up to creating false accusations and trying to destroy them unless they got ‘under control’.
- djtango 2y ago
  Wow that's horrifying - sorry to hear that you were in that situation and thank you for being willing to open up about this. It doesn't have to be just partners - a friend recently told me about her husband's younger sister who would regularly spend beyond her means then rely on her brother / parents to bail her out of her debts. That's also one of those impossible relationships where you feel obligated to help but the relationship has a real cost.
  - lazide 2y ago
    Yup. A friend of mine had his wife do something similar (first time) during an economic slowdown after he got laid off - she all the sudden started spending waaay beyond even their pre-layoff means ($60k something on credit cards) while hiding the bills and stuff she was buying. Luckily he figured out something was wrong before they went bankrupt on top of everything, but yikes. And at that point, divorce won’t solve his joint liability for the balance. At least the younger sister can only guilt the family into trying to cover her butt financially, instead of - well whatever that was.
knallfrosch 2y ago
I guess for most people it's not about how expenditures increase, but how the income decreases when you lower the work time from 200% to ~150%.
- lazide 2y ago
  Honestly, if someone is staying home it’s likely going down to 90% overall. Even if no one if staying home, with the impact of a young kid, 150% is generous. Because if the other party works as hard/long as they used to, expect resentment and turbulence.
- djtango 2y ago
  Food, plane tickets, cots, nappies, child care, education, extra curricular, upsizing house/car - these are all pretty large expenses for kids... Sure every one of these can be squeezed but living solo/without kids is definitely leaner but yes its a double hit of expenditure goes up and earnings go down

lazide 2y ago

If only it was just that type of situation. There are the ‘I must be a stay at home mom/dad because I can’t handle the stress’ type situations. There are the ‘I need to buy x we can’t afford to be happy’ type situations. There are the ‘we have kids now and he/she can’t leave, so I can do whatever I want’ type situations. I had someone actively sabotage my job (in a very difficult to detect way) because they were worried I’d leave them if I was too ‘independent’, or got promoted. And I’ve seen many other people have spouses do that to them too. Everything from dramatically increasing stress levels at home, to sabotaging sleep, or creating health issues until the spouse stopped ‘getting away’. All the way up to creating false accusations and trying to destroy them unless they got ‘under control’.

djtango 2y ago
Wow that's horrifying - sorry to hear that you were in that situation and thank you for being willing to open up about this. It doesn't have to be just partners - a friend recently told me about her husband's younger sister who would regularly spend beyond her means then rely on her brother / parents to bail her out of her debts. That's also one of those impossible relationships where you feel obligated to help but the relationship has a real cost.
- lazide 2y ago
  Yup. A friend of mine had his wife do something similar (first time) during an economic slowdown after he got laid off - she all the sudden started spending waaay beyond even their pre-layoff means ($60k something on credit cards) while hiding the bills and stuff she was buying. Luckily he figured out something was wrong before they went bankrupt on top of everything, but yikes. And at that point, divorce won’t solve his joint liability for the balance. At least the younger sister can only guilt the family into trying to cover her butt financially, instead of - well whatever that was.

knallfrosch 2y ago

I guess for most people it's not about how expenditures increase, but how the income decreases when you lower the work time from 200% to ~150%.

lazide 2y ago
Honestly, if someone is staying home it’s likely going down to 90% overall. Even if no one if staying home, with the impact of a young kid, 150% is generous. Because if the other party works as hard/long as they used to, expect resentment and turbulence.
djtango 2y ago
Food, plane tickets, cots, nappies, child care, education, extra curricular, upsizing house/car - these are all pretty large expenses for kids... Sure every one of these can be squeezed but living solo/without kids is definitely leaner but yes its a double hit of expenditure goes up and earnings go down