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If I wasn't as conflict-averse as I am, if someone I just met were to start asking me these questions my first reaction would be, why should I tell you any of

If I wasn't as conflict-averse as I am, if someone I just met were to start asking me these questions my first reaction would be, why should I tell you any of this? What makes you think you're worthy of my most personal thoughts? How do I know you're someone I can be vulnerable with? I don't share most of these thoughts with my closest friends and family in normal circumstances, why should I trust a complete stranger with it?

cauch 2y ago
I don't disagree with that, but your comment made me realize something. What is the real risk of answering these questions? I perfectly understand the discomfort, and I have it myself, but is this discomfort justified by anything concrete? I mean, sure, they may be personal thoughts, but what nefarious use can be done with them? I think that people in general greatly overestimate how much their personal thoughts matter in the grand scheme of things of other people's life. You would tell me that you had a dog when you were young and it was your best friend. I will answer that that's a nice story, but it will not affect my life much. For example, to the question "what makes you think you're worthy of my most personal thoughts?", a similarly conflict-charged answered is "what makes you think your most personal thoughts are worth anything?". In the process, the personal thoughts are not really the point, the point is that the interlocutor is trying to bond, which is a win-win situation, where you gain as much as they gain. And if you are not interested to bond with this person, no problem, just say so. But sometimes, two persons may both want to try to bond, and this article is probably for these situations. It's a bit like if there was an article "how to make sure your guests are happy when they are visiting you for a meal" and answering "if someone asks me if I have food allergies, I will just answer 'mind your own business', I don't want to eat with them anyway".
- frabert 2y ago
  What is the risk of just having the conversation naked? We just want to know each other, seeing each other naked would just speed things up, wouldn't it? Answering private questions means this stranger now has knowledge I would consider "privileged" about myself, which they can use as they see fit. Mean comments? Oversharing with friends? Gossipping? There's a reason we keep some conversations only between trusted parties, and getting to know which parties we trust takes time. You can't speed that up by skipping steps.
  - cauch 2y ago
    > What is the risk of just having the conversation naked? I would say there is intrinsically no much risk. Naturists cross paths with perfect strangers while totally naked, and it is not a big deal for them. Some population lives (or lived in the past) naked, again, without real risk. But, yes, I would not do that myself. But I would not say that I would not do it because it is "risky" or that they are "not worthy of seeing my body", but rather because it makes me uncomfortable. And if my interlocutor is into meeting people naked, I will just say that it's not my thing rather than being antagonistic. It seems to me to be a cultural thing, and therefore the way I do things is not intrinsically better than the way they do things, so I have no ground to pretend they do a "bad" thing or being aggressive towards them. Also, if you care about protecting yourself from hurtful comment, do you wear a mask on your face when you meet people. Because physical appearances provide way more means to be hurtful than knowing that you enjoyed football at recess in 3rd grade. (and, sure, wearing a mask is not convenient, but my point is that we greatly under estimate the risk of information that we are used to share and greatly over estimate the risk of information that we are not used to share) > Answering private questions means this stranger now has knowledge I would consider "privileged" about myself, which they can use as they see fit. Mean comments? Oversharing with friends? Gossipping? While I can understand it for _some_ questions and _some_ circumstances, a lot of the questions in the examples in the article are very not exposing you to that risk. And if you can think of particular cases where they are, similar cases exist for plenty of other questions that you probably don't consider as personal. If you are saying that "how did your parents meet" is risky because it may occasionally be linked to something touchy, so is "what did you do yesterday" ("I went to a funeral of a close friend"), "what do you do for a living" ("I've lost my job and I'm struggling"), "what is your favorite movie" ("It's the one that my parents watched when they met"), ... You will notice that for all these normal questions, you can avoid the touchy subject in the answer. But that's identical if some of the questions in the article are touching touchy things. It seems to me that these questions are no more personal than the "usual" ones, and it is just that: 1) we are used to the "usual" ones. In a parallel universe, someone would say "you ask me what is my favorite movie, that's strange and personal, can you not ask me what is my favorite gift I've been given, like in a normal first conversation", 2) we know that some personal information should be shared with care, but we end up considering all information we consider personal are dangerous to share. Except they are not.
- taylorius 2y ago
  You don't know the person you're speaking with very well. How can you know how they might choose to use such personal, intimate information? Some people will absolutely use such personal stuff as ammunition, perhaps at some point in the future when they're angry with you, or feeling vengeful, or stressed. And yes, I've had it happen to me - and to an extent that would boggle people's minds. And it came from a self professed "kind" person, who "only wished good things". Until they got riled up that is, and then anything and everything was verbal fair game.
  - cauch 2y ago
    I think that my point is that the questions in the article don't provide much more ammunition than the "usual" questions, or even other usual things that we usually share. If they want to hurt you, they can easily laugh at some particularity of your face and that would be very hurtful. Or laugh at you because your favorite movie is Star Wars or because you work in retail. I'm not sure how your favorite gift you've ever received is more personal and intimate than your favorite movie. Not only the examples of questions in the article are usually as "risky" as "what's your favorite movie", but also you can easily answer these questions in ways that don't provide much ammunition.
    - taylorius 2y ago
      "they can easily laugh at some particularity of your face and that would be very hurtful. " Forgive me, I'm not saying such insults aren't hurtful, but if that's the worst they have to throw at you, then believe it or not, you're getting off relatively lightly. How about undermining your memories of your not-long-dead parents, based on things you've told them about your childhood? Doing their level best (and they are VERY persuasive, and persistent) to convince you that you were never loved by your mother, extrapolating from stories you have told them, to construct an alternative history that paints your parents (and particularly your mother) as an uncaring, sexually profligate monster. I have many other examples - but it's Friday evening, and I don't want to put either of us in a low mood. :-) So I'll just wish that no-one who reads this ever runs into someone like that, and wish you the very best of luck! Cheers

cauch 2y ago

I don't disagree with that, but your comment made me realize something. What is the real risk of answering these questions? I perfectly understand the discomfort, and I have it myself, but is this discomfort justified by anything concrete? I mean, sure, they may be personal thoughts, but what nefarious use can be done with them? I think that people in general greatly overestimate how much their personal thoughts matter in the grand scheme of things of other people's life. You would tell me that you had a dog when you were young and it was your best friend. I will answer that that's a nice story, but it will not affect my life much. For example, to the question "what makes you think you're worthy of my most personal thoughts?", a similarly conflict-charged answered is "what makes you think your most personal thoughts are worth anything?". In the process, the personal thoughts are not really the point, the point is that the interlocutor is trying to bond, which is a win-win situation, where you gain as much as they gain. And if you are not interested to bond with this person, no problem, just say so. But sometimes, two persons may both want to try to bond, and this article is probably for these situations. It's a bit like if there was an article "how to make sure your guests are happy when they are visiting you for a meal" and answering "if someone asks me if I have food allergies, I will just answer 'mind your own business', I don't want to eat with them anyway".

frabert 2y ago
What is the risk of just having the conversation naked? We just want to know each other, seeing each other naked would just speed things up, wouldn't it? Answering private questions means this stranger now has knowledge I would consider "privileged" about myself, which they can use as they see fit. Mean comments? Oversharing with friends? Gossipping? There's a reason we keep some conversations only between trusted parties, and getting to know which parties we trust takes time. You can't speed that up by skipping steps.
- cauch 2y ago
  > What is the risk of just having the conversation naked? I would say there is intrinsically no much risk. Naturists cross paths with perfect strangers while totally naked, and it is not a big deal for them. Some population lives (or lived in the past) naked, again, without real risk. But, yes, I would not do that myself. But I would not say that I would not do it because it is "risky" or that they are "not worthy of seeing my body", but rather because it makes me uncomfortable. And if my interlocutor is into meeting people naked, I will just say that it's not my thing rather than being antagonistic. It seems to me to be a cultural thing, and therefore the way I do things is not intrinsically better than the way they do things, so I have no ground to pretend they do a "bad" thing or being aggressive towards them. Also, if you care about protecting yourself from hurtful comment, do you wear a mask on your face when you meet people. Because physical appearances provide way more means to be hurtful than knowing that you enjoyed football at recess in 3rd grade. (and, sure, wearing a mask is not convenient, but my point is that we greatly under estimate the risk of information that we are used to share and greatly over estimate the risk of information that we are not used to share) > Answering private questions means this stranger now has knowledge I would consider "privileged" about myself, which they can use as they see fit. Mean comments? Oversharing with friends? Gossipping? While I can understand it for _some_ questions and _some_ circumstances, a lot of the questions in the examples in the article are very not exposing you to that risk. And if you can think of particular cases where they are, similar cases exist for plenty of other questions that you probably don't consider as personal. If you are saying that "how did your parents meet" is risky because it may occasionally be linked to something touchy, so is "what did you do yesterday" ("I went to a funeral of a close friend"), "what do you do for a living" ("I've lost my job and I'm struggling"), "what is your favorite movie" ("It's the one that my parents watched when they met"), ... You will notice that for all these normal questions, you can avoid the touchy subject in the answer. But that's identical if some of the questions in the article are touching touchy things. It seems to me that these questions are no more personal than the "usual" ones, and it is just that: 1) we are used to the "usual" ones. In a parallel universe, someone would say "you ask me what is my favorite movie, that's strange and personal, can you not ask me what is my favorite gift I've been given, like in a normal first conversation", 2) we know that some personal information should be shared with care, but we end up considering all information we consider personal are dangerous to share. Except they are not.
taylorius 2y ago
You don't know the person you're speaking with very well. How can you know how they might choose to use such personal, intimate information? Some people will absolutely use such personal stuff as ammunition, perhaps at some point in the future when they're angry with you, or feeling vengeful, or stressed. And yes, I've had it happen to me - and to an extent that would boggle people's minds. And it came from a self professed "kind" person, who "only wished good things". Until they got riled up that is, and then anything and everything was verbal fair game.
- cauch 2y ago
  I think that my point is that the questions in the article don't provide much more ammunition than the "usual" questions, or even other usual things that we usually share. If they want to hurt you, they can easily laugh at some particularity of your face and that would be very hurtful. Or laugh at you because your favorite movie is Star Wars or because you work in retail. I'm not sure how your favorite gift you've ever received is more personal and intimate than your favorite movie. Not only the examples of questions in the article are usually as "risky" as "what's your favorite movie", but also you can easily answer these questions in ways that don't provide much ammunition.
  - taylorius 2y ago
    "they can easily laugh at some particularity of your face and that would be very hurtful. " Forgive me, I'm not saying such insults aren't hurtful, but if that's the worst they have to throw at you, then believe it or not, you're getting off relatively lightly. How about undermining your memories of your not-long-dead parents, based on things you've told them about your childhood? Doing their level best (and they are VERY persuasive, and persistent) to convince you that you were never loved by your mother, extrapolating from stories you have told them, to construct an alternative history that paints your parents (and particularly your mother) as an uncaring, sexually profligate monster. I have many other examples - but it's Friday evening, and I don't want to put either of us in a low mood. :-) So I'll just wish that no-one who reads this ever runs into someone like that, and wish you the very best of luck! Cheers