4 ms·

Surely it is good practise to always try to offer comfort and support, and to listen, no matter who you are talking to or whether they are in a more inner ring

by n4r9 2y ago

Surely it is good practise to always try to offer comfort and support, and to listen, no matter who you are talking to or whether they are in a more inner ring than you? Obviously we don't always have the mental space to do so, but it doesn't quite sit right with me to say "these people are allowed to moan as much as they want". It feels like an arbitrary social more.

kelseyfrog 2y ago
> Surely it is good practise to always try to offer comfort and support, and to listen, no matter who you are talking to That would be ideal if everyone had unlimited emotional reserves. Often though, those who are closer to the center have fewer reserves left over. If they were supporting those closer and those farther out they would be exhausted and no longer to support those closer to the center.
penteract 2y ago
> It feels like an arbitrary social more. I wouldn't say it's arbitrary - the person in the center needs more support and probably has other things demanding their attention. Speaking from personal experience, it can be a relief to be free from worrying about some of the normal social rules (e.g. the knowledge that if you throw a tantrum, people will be understanding) even without taking advantage of that. That said, I don't completely agree with the article. The people in the surrounding circles were still people I cared about - when I was able to comfort them I was happy to do so. I don't remember anyone saying something like "I don't know if I can handle it" to me, but I was aware that news of my condition would affect people, and I would have been willing to interpret such comments as a sign that they cared about me.
- n4r9 2y ago
  It makes total sense that the person at the centre deserves comfort and support. I didn't mean to imply that this aspect is anything other than fundamental to human psychology. I think your second paragraph speaks to what feels artificial about this "theory" better than I could express it. It's almost like it's "baked in" that you dump outwards. Like there's an expectation to dump outwards. This feels ignorant of the diversity of human character. Most people will probably want to dump out at some time or another. But a lot of people will want to feel like they're being spoken to freely and honestly, without regard to social expectation. That doesn't mean that we shouldn't practise sensitivity and consideration. The big problem I have with the phrase "I don't know if I can handle it" is not the fact that this person is expressing that feeling, but how they're expressing it. It's somewhat catastrophising and insensitive to the centre person's feelings. You can say effectively the same thing much more tactfully; for example: "I can only imagine how devastating this has been for you. It's been challenging for me too, because I really really want to support you but it's difficult to confront the situation and how badly it hurts you. I'm telling you this in part because I want you to know that if my support ever slips, it's not that I don't care, but rather that my own internal shit is making it hard to express that care properly. There have even been times where it felt overwhelming... but I hope that I can help you to feel my care for you even through those times." If my friend said this to me, even in my darkest moments, I think that I would really appreciate the combination of candour and consideration. Although obviously not everyone is me and everything has to be decided case by case.

by n4r9 2y ago

kelseyfrog 2y ago

> Surely it is good practise to always try to offer comfort and support, and to listen, no matter who you are talking to That would be ideal if everyone had unlimited emotional reserves. Often though, those who are closer to the center have fewer reserves left over. If they were supporting those closer and those farther out they would be exhausted and no longer to support those closer to the center.

penteract 2y ago

> It feels like an arbitrary social more. I wouldn't say it's arbitrary - the person in the center needs more support and probably has other things demanding their attention. Speaking from personal experience, it can be a relief to be free from worrying about some of the normal social rules (e.g. the knowledge that if you throw a tantrum, people will be understanding) even without taking advantage of that. That said, I don't completely agree with the article. The people in the surrounding circles were still people I cared about - when I was able to comfort them I was happy to do so. I don't remember anyone saying something like "I don't know if I can handle it" to me, but I was aware that news of my condition would affect people, and I would have been willing to interpret such comments as a sign that they cared about me.

n4r9 2y ago
It makes total sense that the person at the centre deserves comfort and support. I didn't mean to imply that this aspect is anything other than fundamental to human psychology. I think your second paragraph speaks to what feels artificial about this "theory" better than I could express it. It's almost like it's "baked in" that you dump outwards. Like there's an expectation to dump outwards. This feels ignorant of the diversity of human character. Most people will probably want to dump out at some time or another. But a lot of people will want to feel like they're being spoken to freely and honestly, without regard to social expectation. That doesn't mean that we shouldn't practise sensitivity and consideration. The big problem I have with the phrase "I don't know if I can handle it" is not the fact that this person is expressing that feeling, but how they're expressing it. It's somewhat catastrophising and insensitive to the centre person's feelings. You can say effectively the same thing much more tactfully; for example: "I can only imagine how devastating this has been for you. It's been challenging for me too, because I really really want to support you but it's difficult to confront the situation and how badly it hurts you. I'm telling you this in part because I want you to know that if my support ever slips, it's not that I don't care, but rather that my own internal shit is making it hard to express that care properly. There have even been times where it felt overwhelming... but I hope that I can help you to feel my care for you even through those times." If my friend said this to me, even in my darkest moments, I think that I would really appreciate the combination of candour and consideration. Although obviously not everyone is me and everything has to be decided case by case.