4 ms·

> 3. Your spouse just wants to vent, UNLESS they say "fix it" Or talk to your spouse, get to know them, and build a sense of what they absolutely need to know

> 3. Your spouse just wants to vent, UNLESS they say "fix it" Or talk to your spouse, get to know them, and build a sense of what they absolutely need to know (e.g. you don't want or can't spend the rest of your life doing it for them and no one else will), what they don't need to care about, and what space of mind they're in. You're hopefully stuck with them for a very long time, investing time and effort to understand them, and skipping the generic heuristics is probably the only advice needed.

wdh505 2y ago
Have you heard of the 6 geniuses? It is a book that proposes that there are 6 areas of "managing" one's self and others, and some are areas of genius and some are areas of frustration and some are competencies. The book also proposes that spouses who are compatible tend to have complimentary areas of genius and frustration. More to your point: if someone has an area of frustration to discern what course of action will fix, and you have that as an area of genius, then be kind about it as you probably got married because there are other ways you complement each other.
- makeitdouble 2y ago
  I haven't read the book, but can empathize with the complementary angle. Yet it's just complex, and it's also a moving target. In particular, there will be areas where there's no way out of both being at least competent and self sufficient. For instance if you live in the middle of nowhere with only a road connecting you to civilization, your partner giving up on driving can't just be a "frustration" area you cover with your "genius". Same way if you live in the forest you won't get away with shouting and fainting every time you see a bug. The partner might be there to help adapt, the most severe issues can be mitigated, but fundamentally there's no way out. (now I also assume most reasonable people won't just be there shouting "FIX IT"). And we're not counting the parts where both have it as frustration in the first place ("fix the printer" ?) The "genius" vs "frustration" split looks to me decent for some cases, not good enough in others, and not applicable for the most critical stuff, with couples still needing to think long and hard about where they strike the balance on each of their areas.
  - shiroiushi 2y ago
    >For instance if you live in the middle of nowhere with only a road connecting you to civilization, your partner giving up on driving can't just be a "frustration" area you cover with your "genius". Different people are different. And not all people are reasonable. Some partners might really be like this, so if your partner is like this, you can either put up with it and do all the driving, or move someplace else. But the other thing to keep in mind is: you picked this partner. If your partner frustrates you this much, maybe you made a bad choice and should pick a different partner. As someone who's had different partners in life, I highly encourage single people to be very careful about who they pick for their partner.
rk06 2y ago
has this really worked for you? cause from my experience, not only is OP right, but you are are effectively telling your spouse that "we are serious business, pointless venting is not acceptable behaviour" I highly recommend you to read this post on giving better advises: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41113807 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41113807
- makeitdouble 2y ago
  I wasn't reacting on the venting part, but on the "fix it" bit, which gives a "you say jump I say how high" vibe. We're all doing pointless venting, that's part of life.
  - meiraleal 2y ago
    Welli, we are not. Some people feel entitled to pointless venting and some even think listening quiet is what is what others should do. That's spoiled child behavior

wdh505 2y ago

Have you heard of the 6 geniuses? It is a book that proposes that there are 6 areas of "managing" one's self and others, and some are areas of genius and some are areas of frustration and some are competencies. The book also proposes that spouses who are compatible tend to have complimentary areas of genius and frustration. More to your point: if someone has an area of frustration to discern what course of action will fix, and you have that as an area of genius, then be kind about it as you probably got married because there are other ways you complement each other.

makeitdouble 2y ago
I haven't read the book, but can empathize with the complementary angle. Yet it's just complex, and it's also a moving target. In particular, there will be areas where there's no way out of both being at least competent and self sufficient. For instance if you live in the middle of nowhere with only a road connecting you to civilization, your partner giving up on driving can't just be a "frustration" area you cover with your "genius". Same way if you live in the forest you won't get away with shouting and fainting every time you see a bug. The partner might be there to help adapt, the most severe issues can be mitigated, but fundamentally there's no way out. (now I also assume most reasonable people won't just be there shouting "FIX IT"). And we're not counting the parts where both have it as frustration in the first place ("fix the printer" ?) The "genius" vs "frustration" split looks to me decent for some cases, not good enough in others, and not applicable for the most critical stuff, with couples still needing to think long and hard about where they strike the balance on each of their areas.
- shiroiushi 2y ago
  >For instance if you live in the middle of nowhere with only a road connecting you to civilization, your partner giving up on driving can't just be a "frustration" area you cover with your "genius". Different people are different. And not all people are reasonable. Some partners might really be like this, so if your partner is like this, you can either put up with it and do all the driving, or move someplace else. But the other thing to keep in mind is: you picked this partner. If your partner frustrates you this much, maybe you made a bad choice and should pick a different partner. As someone who's had different partners in life, I highly encourage single people to be very careful about who they pick for their partner.

rk06 2y ago

has this really worked for you? cause from my experience, not only is OP right, but you are are effectively telling your spouse that "we are serious business, pointless venting is not acceptable behaviour" I highly recommend you to read this post on giving better advises: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41113807 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41113807

makeitdouble 2y ago
I wasn't reacting on the venting part, but on the "fix it" bit, which gives a "you say jump I say how high" vibe. We're all doing pointless venting, that's part of life.
- meiraleal 2y ago
  Welli, we are not. Some people feel entitled to pointless venting and some even think listening quiet is what is what others should do. That's spoiled child behavior