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Will second that many times. As a fairly proactive guy who almost never leaves any loose ends in his relationships, I overdid giving the advice and some people
by pdimitar 2y ago
Will second that many times. As a fairly proactive guy who almost never leaves any loose ends in his relationships, I overdid giving the advice and some people started avoiding me. I was bitter about it until I realized they did not want their problem fixed, they sought sympathy.
Nothing wrong with that, it's just that my mind immediately jumps to potential solutions.
But I was severely humbled on that front after I have allowed a super dark period in my life (7-8 years, still ongoing but is now being actively attacked and positive signs are starting to get visible). I began to understand that there are also situations where you can't do almost anything but you still need a kind word.
So I started giving that and only vaguely hinting at the potential of an advice (so subtle that most people missed it which I am very okay with) and lo and behold, the new people in my life love chatting with me.
We have a saying in our country: "You can't force-feed wisdom and shove it down people's throats like you would do for a sick person who still needs food".
- gedy 2y ago> until I realized they did not want their problem fixed, they sought sympathy. That goes both ways, as many of the people I've run into who just want sympathy, can bring a lot of stress on the listeners. E.g. I can't take hearing complaints about abusive partners, etc so that they feel a little better for the moment, then they march right back to them. Growing up with a serious complainer caused me to instinctively try and fix issues, and to avoid if you don't want that type of help.
- lazide 2y agoYup. Sometimes all the listening is doing is enabling a very dangerous situation. If someone is the recipient of that kind of complaining as a kid from a parent, it would also explain some ‘don’t even try that towards me’ reactions.
- kelseyfrog 2y agoAbsolutely. No one can listen or provide sympathy indefinitely. Trying to is a short path to burnout. Almost everyone could benefit from being listened to, but I have to remember, it doesn't always have to be me
- pdimitar 2y agoQuite true. I am not advocating for "always listen" and even if that brands me as a monster I very often do NOT advocate for "always be kind" -- there are many people whose problems I have zero patience for. My bigger point was that if you consciously chose to sit or take a walk with that person and if you truly care then you should make sure they feel listened to and understood before giving advice -- if you give advice at all. This presupposes that you care about that person which I'll immediately agree is not a given for most people you'll ever meet.
- redsaz 2y agoWe have a similar saying: "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make 'em drink." At least, it seems similar to me.
- pdimitar 2y agoOh yeah, that's exactly what I mean. Thanks for reminding me the English / American idiom.