> A decent fraction of communication breakdowns are actually breakdowns in this silent negotiation, which is kind of interesting. Yeah, this is a subtle and im

> A decent fraction of communication breakdowns are actually breakdowns in this silent negotiation, which is kind of interesting. Yeah, this is a subtle and important point. I’ve heard this skill referred to as “attunement”. Like, you have your antenna up and listen for all the subtext that sits underneath someone’s expression. And listen for the quiet “asks” that would clearly make the person feel comfortable. “She feels anxious and low status.”. “He seems to want to talk about problems and solutions, not feelings”. People make bids like this constantly. Essentially, they’re saying “please respond to me in a complimentary way”. If you ignore or reject the bids people make in conversation, they will subconsciously feel ignored, rejected or dismissed. If you respond appropriately, people feel like you care about them. (Give the anxious person a place to sit down and offer them a cup of tea. Join the problem solver in problem solver mode. Etc.) I think a lot of people on the spectrum struggle with this. But I also know some autistic people who are way better than neurotypicals at this stuff because they’ve learned how it works consciously, and then studied and practiced. The high sensitivity that often goes with autism can make these bids much easier to notice once you know what to look for.