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>I have a lot of frustration that other people seem to have such rigid expectations for how they need to be communicated with But are those expectations a 'har

>I have a lot of frustration that other people seem to have such rigid expectations for how they need to be communicated with But are those expectations a 'hard-wired communication style' as the article claims, or are they just a result of adherence to societal norms? I definitely communicate more using obscure references and inside jokes with my close friends than my co-workers and it doesn't exactly strike me as neurodivergent.

exmadscientist 2y ago
There's also a hidden language where people send out "this is how you should be communicating with me" signals. Most non-autistic people have access to more than one communication modality ("concluders" and "weavers" being just two options), and can follow this language and choose their communication modality implicitly. (Unfortunately we can't talk about "neurotypical" vs "neurodivergent" in this discussion, because autism is not the only neurodivergence, but it is the one that has the most troubles here.) A decent fraction of communication breakdowns are actually breakdowns in this silent negotiation, which is kind of interesting. Unfortunately the article author is demonstrating another common fallacy, overgeneralizing their experiences. While the two styles identified are useful things to talk about, these are not the only two styles and the whole situation really is not so rigid. (I find it ironic that someone who disclaims the "concluder" style can go straight to a conclusion and dig in on it, but in my experience with neurodivergence in my family, that seems to be something of a hallmark.)
- josephg 2y ago
  > A decent fraction of communication breakdowns are actually breakdowns in this silent negotiation, which is kind of interesting. Yeah, this is a subtle and important point. I’ve heard this skill referred to as “attunement”. Like, you have your antenna up and listen for all the subtext that sits underneath someone’s expression. And listen for the quiet “asks” that would clearly make the person feel comfortable. “She feels anxious and low status.”. “He seems to want to talk about problems and solutions, not feelings”. People make bids like this constantly. Essentially, they’re saying “please respond to me in a complimentary way”. If you ignore or reject the bids people make in conversation, they will subconsciously feel ignored, rejected or dismissed. If you respond appropriately, people feel like you care about them. (Give the anxious person a place to sit down and offer them a cup of tea. Join the problem solver in problem solver mode. Etc.) I think a lot of people on the spectrum struggle with this. But I also know some autistic people who are way better than neurotypicals at this stuff because they’ve learned how it works consciously, and then studied and practiced. The high sensitivity that often goes with autism can make these bids much easier to notice once you know what to look for.

exmadscientist 2y ago

There's also a hidden language where people send out "this is how you should be communicating with me" signals. Most non-autistic people have access to more than one communication modality ("concluders" and "weavers" being just two options), and can follow this language and choose their communication modality implicitly. (Unfortunately we can't talk about "neurotypical" vs "neurodivergent" in this discussion, because autism is not the only neurodivergence, but it is the one that has the most troubles here.) A decent fraction of communication breakdowns are actually breakdowns in this silent negotiation, which is kind of interesting. Unfortunately the article author is demonstrating another common fallacy, overgeneralizing their experiences. While the two styles identified are useful things to talk about, these are not the only two styles and the whole situation really is not so rigid. (I find it ironic that someone who disclaims the "concluder" style can go straight to a conclusion and dig in on it, but in my experience with neurodivergence in my family, that seems to be something of a hallmark.)

josephg 2y ago
> A decent fraction of communication breakdowns are actually breakdowns in this silent negotiation, which is kind of interesting. Yeah, this is a subtle and important point. I’ve heard this skill referred to as “attunement”. Like, you have your antenna up and listen for all the subtext that sits underneath someone’s expression. And listen for the quiet “asks” that would clearly make the person feel comfortable. “She feels anxious and low status.”. “He seems to want to talk about problems and solutions, not feelings”. People make bids like this constantly. Essentially, they’re saying “please respond to me in a complimentary way”. If you ignore or reject the bids people make in conversation, they will subconsciously feel ignored, rejected or dismissed. If you respond appropriately, people feel like you care about them. (Give the anxious person a place to sit down and offer them a cup of tea. Join the problem solver in problem solver mode. Etc.) I think a lot of people on the spectrum struggle with this. But I also know some autistic people who are way better than neurotypicals at this stuff because they’ve learned how it works consciously, and then studied and practiced. The high sensitivity that often goes with autism can make these bids much easier to notice once you know what to look for.