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The topic of a “living will” came up in a family discussion after my mother’s funeral. None of us have a pathological desire to live at all costs, but as it tu

The topic of a “living will” came up in a family discussion after my mother’s funeral. None of us have a pathological desire to live at all costs, but as it turns out, figuring out when to say “yeah I’m done, see yah” and halt treatment is way more complex than it first seems, especially when making the decision for someone else. Things can happen very fast, and there’s a bunch of things that basically require a job in the industry to know ahead of time. If anyone knows of some comprehensive resources for helping define reasonable limits, I’d love to hear it.

rustcleaner 2y ago
There is the POLST form for governing interventions. There is durable medical and general powers of attorney. There are irrevocable trusts to protect trust assets from long term care.
complaintdept 2y ago
Talk to an estate attorney and they can give you some advice, but ultimately you'll never be able to account for every possibility, and you're going to have to trust somebody to make the right decisions for you at some point.
- onlypassingthru 2y ago
  Anecdotally, a family friend was barely clinging on to life for a couple weeks enduring heavy pain meds and abject misery. Only when his close friend, and executor of his estate, sat beside him and told him everything was going to be alright did he finally find peace and let go. He was gone within 30 minutes.
magnetowasright 2y ago
The Order of the Good Death has loads of resources on how to have these conversations, what your options for advanced directives etc. are, and guides on how to set everything up. https://www.orderofthegooddeath.com/ https://www.orderofthegooddeath.com/ They also do a lot of advocacy around green burial, alkaline hydrolysis, and whatnot as well. Caitlin Doughty (who founded the Order of the Good Death) Ask a Mortician channel on youtube covers this stuff too, but the older videos might be out of date.
- zhynn 2y ago
  Thank you so so so much for posting this! I had no idea it existed, and I am so happy that it does. I also discovered that my home state has ZERO listed green burial sites, which is shocking to me because... I live in VT. I would have guessed it would be the leader in green burial, it is right up our wheelhouse!
  - magnetowasright 2y ago
    I'm glad you found it useful! They've got template letters for sending to politicians on the topics of greener death options and other related stuff. Maybe you can help your politicians know that it's an option that people want. I want to be composted, personally. I hate those 'put your cremains in a seedling pot and turn into a tree' things because cremains can't nourish anything. Skip the cremation, have a green burial or be composted, and ACTUALLY nourish a tree! I'd have thought green burials and human composting would be an easier sell because of the popularity of those cremains tree things, but apparently not. Soapbox time: you (almost certainly) do not have to have your loved one embalmed. Bodies are safe and clean and won't smell if kept appropriately. If you are utilising the services of a funeral home and they tell you they won't (or can't) let you have an open casket or other viewing without the person being embalmed, it will be a policy of the funeral home at highest authority. It almost certainly is not the law, as much as some of these homes may try to convince you it is. If it is the law, make them explain which law it is and check. Bodies do not have to be embalmed for viewings. You can take your loved to another funeral home who doesn't pull that rubbish and they will have to release the body. Death is not an emergency and you can take a little time to know your rights and the law before being strong armed into an expensive and unnecessary procedure like embalming. Do it if you want to do it. Don't do it because you've been pressured into it in a time of grief.
JansjoFromIkea 2y ago
"especially when making the decision for someone else" This gets additionally terrible when it's for someone else whilst handling the wishes of everyone else with significant ties to them. Had a relative die a while back who was going through absolute hell the final few days; some family members still have a massive grudge towards the hospice for what they feel like were moves done to ensure they died quicker. I've absolutely no clue why they seemed to think dying in massive pain over a longer span of time seemed better but they did.
- LorenPechtel 2y ago
  I saw it with my father, also. Some people aren't ready to accept that death is coming and blame anyone/anything they can rather than accept it. Just try harder, you can do it! No. The cancer was everywhere and it was aggressive. Try what harder? There was nothing to do. Someone close to them felt my mother was being evil and incompetent in not pushing him to eat more. While he lost a lot of weight the cause of death was when it got his kidney (one had already been removed when it was thought to be stage 1.)

rustcleaner 2y ago

There is the POLST form for governing interventions. There is durable medical and general powers of attorney. There are irrevocable trusts to protect trust assets from long term care.

complaintdept 2y ago

Talk to an estate attorney and they can give you some advice, but ultimately you'll never be able to account for every possibility, and you're going to have to trust somebody to make the right decisions for you at some point.

onlypassingthru 2y ago
Anecdotally, a family friend was barely clinging on to life for a couple weeks enduring heavy pain meds and abject misery. Only when his close friend, and executor of his estate, sat beside him and told him everything was going to be alright did he finally find peace and let go. He was gone within 30 minutes.

magnetowasright 2y ago

The Order of the Good Death has loads of resources on how to have these conversations, what your options for advanced directives etc. are, and guides on how to set everything up. https://www.orderofthegooddeath.com/ https://www.orderofthegooddeath.com/ They also do a lot of advocacy around green burial, alkaline hydrolysis, and whatnot as well. Caitlin Doughty (who founded the Order of the Good Death) Ask a Mortician channel on youtube covers this stuff too, but the older videos might be out of date.

zhynn 2y ago
Thank you so so so much for posting this! I had no idea it existed, and I am so happy that it does. I also discovered that my home state has ZERO listed green burial sites, which is shocking to me because... I live in VT. I would have guessed it would be the leader in green burial, it is right up our wheelhouse!
- magnetowasright 2y ago
  I'm glad you found it useful! They've got template letters for sending to politicians on the topics of greener death options and other related stuff. Maybe you can help your politicians know that it's an option that people want. I want to be composted, personally. I hate those 'put your cremains in a seedling pot and turn into a tree' things because cremains can't nourish anything. Skip the cremation, have a green burial or be composted, and ACTUALLY nourish a tree! I'd have thought green burials and human composting would be an easier sell because of the popularity of those cremains tree things, but apparently not. Soapbox time: you (almost certainly) do not have to have your loved one embalmed. Bodies are safe and clean and won't smell if kept appropriately. If you are utilising the services of a funeral home and they tell you they won't (or can't) let you have an open casket or other viewing without the person being embalmed, it will be a policy of the funeral home at highest authority. It almost certainly is not the law, as much as some of these homes may try to convince you it is. If it is the law, make them explain which law it is and check. Bodies do not have to be embalmed for viewings. You can take your loved to another funeral home who doesn't pull that rubbish and they will have to release the body. Death is not an emergency and you can take a little time to know your rights and the law before being strong armed into an expensive and unnecessary procedure like embalming. Do it if you want to do it. Don't do it because you've been pressured into it in a time of grief.

JansjoFromIkea 2y ago

"especially when making the decision for someone else" This gets additionally terrible when it's for someone else whilst handling the wishes of everyone else with significant ties to them. Had a relative die a while back who was going through absolute hell the final few days; some family members still have a massive grudge towards the hospice for what they feel like were moves done to ensure they died quicker. I've absolutely no clue why they seemed to think dying in massive pain over a longer span of time seemed better but they did.

LorenPechtel 2y ago
I saw it with my father, also. Some people aren't ready to accept that death is coming and blame anyone/anything they can rather than accept it. Just try harder, you can do it! No. The cancer was everywhere and it was aggressive. Try what harder? There was nothing to do. Someone close to them felt my mother was being evil and incompetent in not pushing him to eat more. While he lost a lot of weight the cause of death was when it got his kidney (one had already been removed when it was thought to be stage 1.)