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I think the advice given by the author is a bit simplistic and obvious, but not wrong. I just wouldn't sum it up as being "kind" As someone who works in a "kin

I think the advice given by the author is a bit simplistic and obvious, but not wrong. I just wouldn't sum it up as being "kind" As someone who works in a "kind" culture (Taiwan) - there is an infuriating flip side If everyone is constantly worried about being kind, it becomes very difficult for people to say "unkind" things. - It's hard for people to give you important critical feedback - People will not give their half baked thoughts (which are the start of good discussions), and only bring stuff up when it's already a problem - People have a complete inability to tell you "Hey when you do that thing A and B, I really don't like that" The end result is that people end up masking a bunch of stuff in an effort to be kind which results in - People having huge blow ups when things boil over - Insane amounts of office gossip and people saying shit behind each other's back (bc they can't say it to your face and resolve it)

tpmoney 2y ago
I wonder if the middle ground is when one needs to be "unkind" in words, they should be "kind" in action. I worked on a team that had been moved to a project, in part because that project was behind schedule, haphazard and under-staffed. In our first months we were often (and to my dismay) unkind in words without kind actions to follow through. All of our critiques were correct. All of them were important and needed to be addressed. All of them were real problems. And often the critiques were blunt for the sake of being clear to management. But being right didn't stop that unkindness from stinging the other teams that were there before us. We were resisted and drew quite a bit of (understandable) animosity from those other teams. When we changed tack (partially in response to realizing we were being unkind, partially because we'd finally built up the knowledge we needed to do so) and started accompanying critique with solutions or at a minimum viable demonstrations of the solution, things were received much better. We still said hard things, we still brought in half bakes thoughts. But because we were being kind in bringing more than criticism to the table, it was much more effective.
- contrarian1234 2y ago
  I honestly it's just a "people skill" that's on the individual level. I just think it's in the devilery and it takes practice. I'm not really sure structural organizational changes can fix it - though maybe they can help a bit In my own experience it's possible to tell people anything as long as you're friendly and strike the right tone. The key is to not get worked up or emotional. Even something extreme like telling someone you don't like working with them - there is a friendly way to tell someone that with a smile on your face Every unkind "truth" can be wrapped in the right packaging. The usual crux is to not get emotional and not get worked up and to lay out the facts, no matter how painful, in a way that shows you're not boiling over On a team level I'm not sure what you can do. Especially with a group of low EQ nerds :). Maybe if one or two people set the examples then it's easier for others to catch on?
  - tpmoney 2y ago
    I agree it's a "people skill", but I think phrasing it that way has two road blocks. The first is that the self-help industry of "people skill" books and their "phone tag" translations through the media and general population has turned "people skill" into a word that I think to a lot of people sounds like manipulation or dishonesty. There's a friendly way to tell people anything, the key is getting people to understand that "friendly bad news" isn't manipulative in and of itself. In my opinion, it's being more realistic than any "just telling it like it is" approach can be. The second is that "people skill" covers a lot of things, where "be kind when communicating" is still broad, but a more actionable instruction. For "low EQ" (and I include myself in that category) people, it's those actionable things that really matter.

tpmoney 2y ago

I wonder if the middle ground is when one needs to be "unkind" in words, they should be "kind" in action. I worked on a team that had been moved to a project, in part because that project was behind schedule, haphazard and under-staffed. In our first months we were often (and to my dismay) unkind in words without kind actions to follow through. All of our critiques were correct. All of them were important and needed to be addressed. All of them were real problems. And often the critiques were blunt for the sake of being clear to management. But being right didn't stop that unkindness from stinging the other teams that were there before us. We were resisted and drew quite a bit of (understandable) animosity from those other teams. When we changed tack (partially in response to realizing we were being unkind, partially because we'd finally built up the knowledge we needed to do so) and started accompanying critique with solutions or at a minimum viable demonstrations of the solution, things were received much better. We still said hard things, we still brought in half bakes thoughts. But because we were being kind in bringing more than criticism to the table, it was much more effective.

contrarian1234 2y ago
I honestly it's just a "people skill" that's on the individual level. I just think it's in the devilery and it takes practice. I'm not really sure structural organizational changes can fix it - though maybe they can help a bit In my own experience it's possible to tell people anything as long as you're friendly and strike the right tone. The key is to not get worked up or emotional. Even something extreme like telling someone you don't like working with them - there is a friendly way to tell someone that with a smile on your face Every unkind "truth" can be wrapped in the right packaging. The usual crux is to not get emotional and not get worked up and to lay out the facts, no matter how painful, in a way that shows you're not boiling over On a team level I'm not sure what you can do. Especially with a group of low EQ nerds :). Maybe if one or two people set the examples then it's easier for others to catch on?
- tpmoney 2y ago
  I agree it's a "people skill", but I think phrasing it that way has two road blocks. The first is that the self-help industry of "people skill" books and their "phone tag" translations through the media and general population has turned "people skill" into a word that I think to a lot of people sounds like manipulation or dishonesty. There's a friendly way to tell people anything, the key is getting people to understand that "friendly bad news" isn't manipulative in and of itself. In my opinion, it's being more realistic than any "just telling it like it is" approach can be. The second is that "people skill" covers a lot of things, where "be kind when communicating" is still broad, but a more actionable instruction. For "low EQ" (and I include myself in that category) people, it's those actionable things that really matter.