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Total aside, but > My wife likes to quote the advice “never go to bed with an argument unsettled” I've never found that to be true. Sleep it off, cooler head

Total aside, but > My wife likes to quote the advice “never go to bed with an argument unsettled” I've never found that to be true. Sleep it off, cooler heads will prevail tomorrow.

causality0 2y ago
He specifically differentiates between arguments and quarrels. You refer to a quarrel.
- kazinator 2y ago
  Indeed. But the morning could find you smarter, in a better position to resolve the argument. Sleeping on either quarrels or arguments could be good.
- monocasa 2y ago
  Yes, he differentiates quarrels and arguments. He believes his wife is actually referring to a quarrel and and therefore her advice doesn't apply when it's actually an argument. My aside is that I haven't found the advice to apply well to quarrels either.
  - fmajid 2y ago
    Trying to resolve it before the sleep deadline is what turns the argument into a quarrel...
- WarOnPrivacy 2y ago
  > He specifically differentiates between arguments and quarrels. My experience was neither was impacted by any different resolution strategy. Also - with 5 kids, getting sleep was always the point.
kevin_nisbet 2y ago
I'm totally with you, I find drawing things out, especially when dealing with someone who is clearly upset and acting out on their feelings is an incredibly important de-escalation technique.
_heimdall 2y ago
I can say for my wife and I, the advice holds very true. We're much better off when we settle it before going to bed. We either can't sleep and that itself is frustrating, or we tend to wake up still stewing about the unfinished problem/argument/whatever.
zdragnar 2y ago
If that works for you, that's great! I would like to point out that it carries some risks for people who haven't got a feel for it with their partner yet. A new day brings new responsibilities, and excuses to avoid returning to the topic. It's an easy way to let resentment build up, especially if you're each carrying on the argument in your heads with a fictional version of your partner.
- DEF14A 2y ago
  I find the phrase "If that works for you, that's great!" to be so utterly condescending. Your argument itself is reasonable and interesting, but that phrase shuts my brain right off.
  - pessimizer 2y ago
    I can't figure out if you're ashamed of this part of your personality or bragging about it.
    - paulryanrogers 2y ago
      Maybe it's just a warning that some people find the phrase off putting, regardless of the intent of the speaker
- swat535 2y ago
  This is a ridiculous position to take. You can't simply resolve all kinds of arguments and disagreements before going to bed. Sure, if you have a minor disagreements you might be able to make amends but other issues will take time to be processed and discussed at a more opportune time. More to it, one might be tempted to quickly attempt to solve the issue with this line of thinking but failing to address the root cause, thus ending up even causing more damage later on as recurring disagreements appear. Emotions aren't binary.
_carbyau_ 2y ago
For us, it is the realisation that it is both of us - as a team - against the world. IE put less energy into quarrelling with each other, and more into making the team more capable/efficient/whatever-the-goal-is. But not everyone is so confident in the partner to assume they see themselves as an equal in partnership.
ip26 2y ago
Not to mention what do you do when it's 3AM, you still haven't found a settling point, and one of you has work at 8AM.
dclowd9901 2y ago
I think it depends. If you’re not willing to budge from your position, then yeah, sleep it off. If you feel like you may have been in the wrong, admit it earlier. Go to bed less stressed. But I think the real meat of the saying isn’t really about going to bed angry or whatever. It’s about trying to resolve the issue (going to bed is just a forcing function). If you’re a couple who can’t amenably resolve issues, you’re not going to last very long.

Total aside, but > My wife likes to quote the advice “never go to bed with an argument unsettled” I've never found that to be true. Sleep it off, cooler heads will prevail tomorrow.

causality0 2y ago

He specifically differentiates between arguments and quarrels. You refer to a quarrel.

kazinator 2y ago
Indeed. But the morning could find you smarter, in a better position to resolve the argument. Sleeping on either quarrels or arguments could be good.
monocasa 2y ago
Yes, he differentiates quarrels and arguments. He believes his wife is actually referring to a quarrel and and therefore her advice doesn't apply when it's actually an argument. My aside is that I haven't found the advice to apply well to quarrels either.
- fmajid 2y ago
  Trying to resolve it before the sleep deadline is what turns the argument into a quarrel...
WarOnPrivacy 2y ago
> He specifically differentiates between arguments and quarrels. My experience was neither was impacted by any different resolution strategy. Also - with 5 kids, getting sleep was always the point.

kevin_nisbet 2y ago

I'm totally with you, I find drawing things out, especially when dealing with someone who is clearly upset and acting out on their feelings is an incredibly important de-escalation technique.

_heimdall 2y ago

I can say for my wife and I, the advice holds very true. We're much better off when we settle it before going to bed. We either can't sleep and that itself is frustrating, or we tend to wake up still stewing about the unfinished problem/argument/whatever.

zdragnar 2y ago

If that works for you, that's great! I would like to point out that it carries some risks for people who haven't got a feel for it with their partner yet. A new day brings new responsibilities, and excuses to avoid returning to the topic. It's an easy way to let resentment build up, especially if you're each carrying on the argument in your heads with a fictional version of your partner.

DEF14A 2y ago
I find the phrase "If that works for you, that's great!" to be so utterly condescending. Your argument itself is reasonable and interesting, but that phrase shuts my brain right off.
- pessimizer 2y ago
  I can't figure out if you're ashamed of this part of your personality or bragging about it.
  - paulryanrogers 2y ago
    Maybe it's just a warning that some people find the phrase off putting, regardless of the intent of the speaker
swat535 2y ago
This is a ridiculous position to take. You can't simply resolve all kinds of arguments and disagreements before going to bed. Sure, if you have a minor disagreements you might be able to make amends but other issues will take time to be processed and discussed at a more opportune time. More to it, one might be tempted to quickly attempt to solve the issue with this line of thinking but failing to address the root cause, thus ending up even causing more damage later on as recurring disagreements appear. Emotions aren't binary.

_carbyau_ 2y ago

For us, it is the realisation that it is both of us - as a team - against the world. IE put less energy into quarrelling with each other, and more into making the team more capable/efficient/whatever-the-goal-is. But not everyone is so confident in the partner to assume they see themselves as an equal in partnership.

ip26 2y ago

Not to mention what do you do when it's 3AM, you still haven't found a settling point, and one of you has work at 8AM.

dclowd9901 2y ago

I think it depends. If you’re not willing to budge from your position, then yeah, sleep it off. If you feel like you may have been in the wrong, admit it earlier. Go to bed less stressed. But I think the real meat of the saying isn’t really about going to bed angry or whatever. It’s about trying to resolve the issue (going to bed is just a forcing function). If you’re a couple who can’t amenably resolve issues, you’re not going to last very long.