I think we nerds often fall into the trap of thinking that there must be some meta law that says "laws must treat similar things similarly" but there's no such

I think we nerds often fall into the trap of thinking that there must be some meta law that says "laws must treat similar things similarly" but there's no such provision in the law of any land that I know of. You're right that your analogous case seems implausible. It's irrelevant though.