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When I was younger, I had an issue with external vs internal validation. Sadly, it heavily skewed towards external validation. I was on the chunkier side for a

When I was younger, I had an issue with external vs internal validation. Sadly, it heavily skewed towards external validation. I was on the chunkier side for a lot of my childhood and into high school. Joined wrestling and stayed with it. Lot the weight, grew, and gained muscle. Also started to get a lot of attention from the opposite sex. That, with the external validation issue, leaned into it and just had fun. It became something that I just did. I had been a personal trainer for awhile when I got a new client. An eighty something professor who taught Dante’s Inferno, Italian, collected degrees, and was actively pursuing some field in psychology (forget what one). For about 6 months, we’d work out on Saturday mornings and he’d always ask of my adventures since we last saw each other. I’d regale him and that was that. One morning after going though it all, he asked, “what else is there?” or something. Whatever it was, it stopped me in my tracks. I couldn’t answer. That question hit me harder than a freight train. At that moment, I realized there was a massive issue with myself. I wanted a change, but a) didn’t know what to change, b) how to change, 3) how to feel about myself. We continued to work on him and his goals, which was to bench 135 safely. He got to his goal. ;). He also helped me to get to mine, which was to focus more on internal validation and be happy with self. I was able to shift from heavily skewed external validation to external validation probably being now around 20%-30% and the rest being internal. Because of him, I was able to embrace myself and lean into the information seeking snd knowledge gaining person I am today and get to a level that someone with my academic background should not be at. A quote that I came up with many years ago that explains all of this and the transformation I had, “you’re not going to change until the pain of change is less than the pain of staying the same.” One other one too. From him, the professor. I have severe adhd and can read the same sentence 50 time and not remember what I just read, if it’s not something I’m highly interested in. I came to him and told him that it’s so damn boring and it’s just a fight to sit there and attempt to read it. He gave me a mind shift: instead of thinking how it’s important or exciting to you, try to imagine why the author of it thought it was so exciting, to where they spent their career learning about that subject. That allowed me to completely change how I read and that too has helped me more in the past years than I could imagine.

granady 2y ago
Your final paragraph sums it up nicely. I think a lot of people when they see something educational will just switch off if it doesn't immediately engage a personal interest. Seeing it from the point of view of the author is a great way of putting it. I can explain this to my kids. Ok, Newtonian physics is boring. So let's think about why Newton made such a deal out of it.
fifilura 2y ago
Oh, external validation vs internal validation has certainly been a humbling experience for me too. So humbling I could compare it with a train crash. Sadly possibly over-compensating for it now, but I don't want to go back to the external validation spiral. Amd thank you for sharing, and putting into words what I didn't manage.
pringk02 2y ago
> “you’re not going to change until the pain of change is less than the pain of staying the same.” A thought I have had in the past also, I think it is very true.
ordu 2y ago
> He gave me a mind shift: instead of thinking how it’s important or exciting to you, try to imagine why the author of it thought it was so exciting, to where they spent their career learning about that subject. That allowed me to completely change how I read and that too has helped me more in the past years than I could imagine. Yeah. I studied psychology and it was the most prominent mind shift for me too. Watching what people do you need to see what is going on in their heads, not the outside things. Looking at a product of someone's work you should see the person who did it. It completely changed my attitude to discussions. I was a math guy, any statement either true or false, and you need to decide on each one before going further. But now people say things, and I do not see them as things by themselves, I see them as things said by persons. Oftentimes it is completely irrelevant are these things true or false.
- _boffin_ 2y ago
  > I was a math guy, any statement either true or false Interesting... for me, a fair amount of decisions are weighted--I can see that damn payoff matrix in my head. I said it in another comment, "each person has their viewpoint from their own vantage point." My question to you is, how were you able to make that change? I'm going to presume that it still rears its head time to time and when it does, do you notice it quickly and are able to adapt in the same conversation or is it mostly a reflection and realization you were like that? or am i not even asking the right questions?

granady 2y ago

Your final paragraph sums it up nicely. I think a lot of people when they see something educational will just switch off if it doesn't immediately engage a personal interest. Seeing it from the point of view of the author is a great way of putting it. I can explain this to my kids. Ok, Newtonian physics is boring. So let's think about why Newton made such a deal out of it.

fifilura 2y ago

Oh, external validation vs internal validation has certainly been a humbling experience for me too. So humbling I could compare it with a train crash. Sadly possibly over-compensating for it now, but I don't want to go back to the external validation spiral. Amd thank you for sharing, and putting into words what I didn't manage.

pringk02 2y ago

> “you’re not going to change until the pain of change is less than the pain of staying the same.” A thought I have had in the past also, I think it is very true.

ordu 2y ago

> He gave me a mind shift: instead of thinking how it’s important or exciting to you, try to imagine why the author of it thought it was so exciting, to where they spent their career learning about that subject. That allowed me to completely change how I read and that too has helped me more in the past years than I could imagine. Yeah. I studied psychology and it was the most prominent mind shift for me too. Watching what people do you need to see what is going on in their heads, not the outside things. Looking at a product of someone's work you should see the person who did it. It completely changed my attitude to discussions. I was a math guy, any statement either true or false, and you need to decide on each one before going further. But now people say things, and I do not see them as things by themselves, I see them as things said by persons. Oftentimes it is completely irrelevant are these things true or false.

_boffin_ 2y ago
> I was a math guy, any statement either true or false Interesting... for me, a fair amount of decisions are weighted--I can see that damn payoff matrix in my head. I said it in another comment, "each person has their viewpoint from their own vantage point." My question to you is, how were you able to make that change? I'm going to presume that it still rears its head time to time and when it does, do you notice it quickly and are able to adapt in the same conversation or is it mostly a reflection and realization you were like that? or am i not even asking the right questions?