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I think this applies to all genders. I don't know a single person who is happy using these apps. However, I'm curious about what other HNers think, especially w

by m_a_g 2y ago

I think this applies to all genders. I don't know a single person who is happy using these apps. However, I'm curious about what other HNers think, especially women.

exe34 2y ago
I use it as a placebo to quieten down that part of my brain that would otherwise stop me from working. I wouldn't want to meet the sort of people who would want to meet me from these apps.
ushakov 2y ago
I was talking to my friend today about dating apps being a softporn addiction
godelski 2y ago
(Male) One thing that really changed my thinking of these apps was asking myself a simple question: "could I find my best friend through an app like this?" Once I realized this, I was able to quit them and make that quit actually stick. Instead of being in the cycle of uninstall, be lonely, get back on, frustrated, a few lackluster dates, maybe get laid, feel more frustrated, quit, rinse, lather, repeat. I met my current partner through a friend (who also set me up with my previous partner, which did NOT end well). This is the woman I intend to marry and both her and I knew we had something different pretty quickly. I don't think this would have happened if we met on an app weirdly enough. But I think if you're in a relationship, try to set up your friends. Truth is, a lot of them want it (get their permission first obviously). It's still a roll of the dice, but the odds are better. It's kinda like the same reason you prefer to hire someone through a recommendation from a current employee or someone you know/trust. There's more signal. But also, these types of setups can be softer and more natural, allowing you to get your feet wet knowing the person. And let's also be honest, sometimes you got to meet someone a few times and dating apps lead to a lot of first dates and very few second dates because you get the idea that if you're not a perfect fit (might be an off day for either of you) that there's plenty more people to choose from.
- deleted 2y ago
  [deleted]
xenospn 2y ago
(male) I use them to get laid. In a big city (Los Angeles) they work quite well. No expectations of a relationship.
guilhas 2y ago
I have seen successful cases. People in their 30s coming out of a long relation, with a not very social job/life, have some difficulty finding a new partner if not online Of course, there are many different apps, more casual, more serious, some bots all around... you need the right app for the job But my impression was a lot of people alone lookig for a serious someone, and not many opportunities to meet new people
pseudalopex 2y ago
> I think this applies to all genders. I don't know a single person who is happy using these apps. The article was not about who is happy really. It was about who is not using the apps.
axegon_ 2y ago
I can't share personal experiences since I've always hated the idea of dating apps/sites with a passion. Social media in general but that's a different story. But a lot of people around me have and I have discussed it with many of them. There are a few not-so-obvious shortcomings in dating apps: From a business perspective, they make a ton of sense. And I'm sure the people behind them have made thousands of experiments while developing them but I feel like(just like anyone I've spoken to), they never managed to simulate what would happen at scale and most importantly they can't fully simulate human behavior. At large, us men are very used to hearing "no" from a very early age. Which has one of two effects: those that excel in some areas are more likely to keep trying even when they fail. Those who seem to be on the back foot in most areas become the outcasts but strangely it looks as if that yields some results for them in the dating apps. But there is a group in the middle that are the real losers in this(and likely the vast majority). For women it's kind of different: they are the more likely ones to say "no" to a man, even if they feel some attraction - "there's always another one". Which is not to say that I don't know instances where this philosophy has massively backfired but what can you do. The truth is, dating apps are very appealing to those with low self-esteem and bad social skills: at a glance they provide some form of protection, which is unfortunately not true. Dating apps, just like real dating is a numbers game and all they do is digitalize social anxiety and insecurities. If anything, they probably make it worse: people can hide to a degree things that they are insecure about: height, high pitched voice or whatever. But sooner or later that has to materialize and the blow often is much bigger than having to go through it out of the gate. Here's a real life example with a former colleague of mine: finding a partner was his sole purpose in life. Really nice guy, very educated, great sense of humor but, as I said in the previous paragraph, kinda short and a really squeaky voice. The good news is that he made it and is now married and has a son. Great. But he spent ungodly amount of time on dating apps and spent thousands of bucks on them-like literally in the 5-digit realm. Kudos for being this persistent - I honestly don't think I know anyone that has gone through as much effort as he has - the process spanned over a period of 5 years. The truth is he was actively being exploited by dating apps and while he was aware of it, he saw it as his only chance. Personally I did not understand his urge and not because I had a partner or a family - I still don't in my dead-center mid 30's: my philosophy on that topic is literally "meh, whatever". But seeing this guy struggle so much, it honestly was heart breaking. On the other end of the scale, I know women that scroll through tinder endlessly, nope-ing out of everyone they see and the second they tap yes on someone they are are even vaguely interested in, it's an instant match. It kind of looks like playing age of empires with the ac cobra cheat always on: it is fun the first three or four times but it gets boring fast. But remember when I said that women are not used to hearing "no"? Well I was having a coffee with her a while back and she said that at some point she really wanted to ask me out. I laughed and asked her why she didn't: "You are a very strange breed: most men will say yes instantly because it's an easy shortcut. You are not most and you wouldn't even bat an eyelash while telling me to take a hike in my face. That thought was absolutely terrifying". Those wouldn't have been my words of choice but she definitely had the right idea. But the fact that a woman that has a magnitude of good qualities and is way more attractive than I am is terrified of getting rejected speaks volumes. In reality men have to go through a lot of effort to get any results at all with dating apps. Women... Well they simply need to be on them.
SuaveSteve 2y ago
They are great for loose women who need sex for validation.

by m_a_g 2y ago

I think this applies to all genders. I don't know a single person who is happy using these apps. However, I'm curious about what other HNers think, especially women.

exe34 2y ago

I use it as a placebo to quieten down that part of my brain that would otherwise stop me from working. I wouldn't want to meet the sort of people who would want to meet me from these apps.

ushakov 2y ago

I was talking to my friend today about dating apps being a softporn addiction

godelski 2y ago

(Male) One thing that really changed my thinking of these apps was asking myself a simple question: "could I find my best friend through an app like this?" Once I realized this, I was able to quit them and make that quit actually stick. Instead of being in the cycle of uninstall, be lonely, get back on, frustrated, a few lackluster dates, maybe get laid, feel more frustrated, quit, rinse, lather, repeat. I met my current partner through a friend (who also set me up with my previous partner, which did NOT end well). This is the woman I intend to marry and both her and I knew we had something different pretty quickly. I don't think this would have happened if we met on an app weirdly enough. But I think if you're in a relationship, try to set up your friends. Truth is, a lot of them want it (get their permission first obviously). It's still a roll of the dice, but the odds are better. It's kinda like the same reason you prefer to hire someone through a recommendation from a current employee or someone you know/trust. There's more signal. But also, these types of setups can be softer and more natural, allowing you to get your feet wet knowing the person. And let's also be honest, sometimes you got to meet someone a few times and dating apps lead to a lot of first dates and very few second dates because you get the idea that if you're not a perfect fit (might be an off day for either of you) that there's plenty more people to choose from.

deleted 2y ago
[deleted]

xenospn 2y ago

(male) I use them to get laid. In a big city (Los Angeles) they work quite well. No expectations of a relationship.

guilhas 2y ago

I have seen successful cases. People in their 30s coming out of a long relation, with a not very social job/life, have some difficulty finding a new partner if not online Of course, there are many different apps, more casual, more serious, some bots all around... you need the right app for the job But my impression was a lot of people alone lookig for a serious someone, and not many opportunities to meet new people

pseudalopex 2y ago

> I think this applies to all genders. I don't know a single person who is happy using these apps. The article was not about who is happy really. It was about who is not using the apps.

axegon_ 2y ago

I can't share personal experiences since I've always hated the idea of dating apps/sites with a passion. Social media in general but that's a different story. But a lot of people around me have and I have discussed it with many of them. There are a few not-so-obvious shortcomings in dating apps: From a business perspective, they make a ton of sense. And I'm sure the people behind them have made thousands of experiments while developing them but I feel like(just like anyone I've spoken to), they never managed to simulate what would happen at scale and most importantly they can't fully simulate human behavior. At large, us men are very used to hearing "no" from a very early age. Which has one of two effects: those that excel in some areas are more likely to keep trying even when they fail. Those who seem to be on the back foot in most areas become the outcasts but strangely it looks as if that yields some results for them in the dating apps. But there is a group in the middle that are the real losers in this(and likely the vast majority). For women it's kind of different: they are the more likely ones to say "no" to a man, even if they feel some attraction - "there's always another one". Which is not to say that I don't know instances where this philosophy has massively backfired but what can you do. The truth is, dating apps are very appealing to those with low self-esteem and bad social skills: at a glance they provide some form of protection, which is unfortunately not true. Dating apps, just like real dating is a numbers game and all they do is digitalize social anxiety and insecurities. If anything, they probably make it worse: people can hide to a degree things that they are insecure about: height, high pitched voice or whatever. But sooner or later that has to materialize and the blow often is much bigger than having to go through it out of the gate. Here's a real life example with a former colleague of mine: finding a partner was his sole purpose in life. Really nice guy, very educated, great sense of humor but, as I said in the previous paragraph, kinda short and a really squeaky voice. The good news is that he made it and is now married and has a son. Great. But he spent ungodly amount of time on dating apps and spent thousands of bucks on them-like literally in the 5-digit realm. Kudos for being this persistent - I honestly don't think I know anyone that has gone through as much effort as he has - the process spanned over a period of 5 years. The truth is he was actively being exploited by dating apps and while he was aware of it, he saw it as his only chance. Personally I did not understand his urge and not because I had a partner or a family - I still don't in my dead-center mid 30's: my philosophy on that topic is literally "meh, whatever". But seeing this guy struggle so much, it honestly was heart breaking. On the other end of the scale, I know women that scroll through tinder endlessly, nope-ing out of everyone they see and the second they tap yes on someone they are are even vaguely interested in, it's an instant match. It kind of looks like playing age of empires with the ac cobra cheat always on: it is fun the first three or four times but it gets boring fast. But remember when I said that women are not used to hearing "no"? Well I was having a coffee with her a while back and she said that at some point she really wanted to ask me out. I laughed and asked her why she didn't: "You are a very strange breed: most men will say yes instantly because it's an easy shortcut. You are not most and you wouldn't even bat an eyelash while telling me to take a hike in my face. That thought was absolutely terrifying". Those wouldn't have been my words of choice but she definitely had the right idea. But the fact that a woman that has a magnitude of good qualities and is way more attractive than I am is terrified of getting rejected speaks volumes. In reality men have to go through a lot of effort to get any results at all with dating apps. Women... Well they simply need to be on them.

SuaveSteve 2y ago

They are great for loose women who need sex for validation.