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So about two years ago, we got my sister in law to move into our house, because she was graduating high school and we felt that there was more opportunity in NY

So about two years ago, we got my sister in law to move into our house, because she was graduating high school and we felt that there was more opportunity in NYC than in small-town-USA, at least for a younger person. We like having her around, she's very nice, but she's also had trouble finding new friends/social-circles here, and I kind of feel bad for dragging her up here as a result. I've always been someone who is happy enough alone, and I generally find a few coworkers at every job that I become friends with anyway, it's never been too hard for me, but I realize that I'm pretty weird. I feel like I yanked her away from a relatively comfortable and established social circle, brought her to a place where she knows nobody, and then just expected everything to be ok, which makes me feel like a dick. Doesn't help that I ended up yelling at her boyfriend a week ago, for valid-but-not-worth-yelling-about reasons, and now I think she's afraid to leave her bedroom, so I might have inadvertently given her hikikomori tendencies. I'm an asshole :/ [1] usually the especially geeky people who will listen to me ramble about math.

langsoul-com 2y ago
So, how will you redeem yourself for past behaviours?
- tombert 2y ago
  Yeah, I have no idea. I did apologize to the relevant people, and it was sincere but I have no idea if they believe me. ETA: I thought about doing something like buying my sister in law a new iPhone or something, but that of course feels pretty dirty, like I'm just buying forgiveness, and frankly it's kind of selfish on my end, trying to convert someone's sadness into something transactional because transactional things are much easier to deal with.
  - langsoul-com 2y ago
    It's a pretty difficult situation. What said has been said, the damage has been done and there's no going back. The circumstances also matter, a period of emotional vulnerability. No friends, out of comfort zone. The current result is a breakdown of trust and feeling uncomfortable around each other. How can one restore trust in such a situation? Would it even be better to say for them to go back to the small town? Being honest about how they seemed better mentally and spiritually there? Truly not an envious position.
    - tombert 2y ago
      Yeah, it doesn't help that I really dislike the boyfriend already [1], so there's only so much I can say while still being honest, and I don't really do apologies unless I feel there's something I should be apologizing for. I suspect the only thing that I can do is be polite to her and just wait it out. [1] He didn't do anything actionable, he's just kind of a dumb douchebag.
jemmyw 2y ago
Presumably she does have the ability to make a decision to move back though? I assume you've broached her options so she knows you're supportive? People need a lot of reassurance that it's ok to change course if something isn't working out.
- tombert 2y ago
  We've tried to make it clear that she's welcome to move back if she wants, but that she's also welcome to stay here. Obviously we're not holding her hostage, and we'd help her move back (or anywhere else) if that's what she wants. I think me yelling at her boyfriend made her feel like she was unwelcome to do anything fun here.
mtalantikite 2y ago
NYC is a tough place for a lot of people. When I moved here years ago I was lucky in that I had a lot of friends from college that were also in the city. It could be tough meeting people if you don’t already have that or a third space you enjoy going to. Maybe find some classes she might be interested in? There’s art stuff at pioneer works, art/computer stuff at school for poetic computation, tons of music/language/cooking lessons, etc. I’ve met lots of good friends in yoga, meditation, or Muay Thai spaces in nyc. I think you can’t be rough on yourself about bringing her here though. It’s a beautiful place to live if you can get over the beginning difficulty!
- tombert 2y ago
  Yeah, as I mentioned, I've always been able to find someone I get along with in most jobs that I've had, and so I've managed to find friends, and I've also never had much of a problem being alone for long periods of time. I'm also married so I have a friend that's pretty much always in close proximity. NYC kicked my ass in a lot of ways when I first moved here, but not in the "lack of friends" category. My wife is similar to me in that regard; she's usually able to find one person who she gets along with, and she's also generally ok being alone. Part of the reason we convinced her to move here was because we thought that she'd have a higher likelihood of going to college if she went to a bigger city (and the CUNY system is excellent and inexpensive). She did go to CUNY for a semester, but for reasons I won't pretend I fully understand, she decided to do online college after that, which she's still doing. I'm not sure how to talk her into some kind of extra IRL classes. Her only friend here, as far as I can tell, is her boyfriend. Honestly I think most people can get by with just one friend, but he said he's not going to come back to our house ever again because I'm a dick. I don't really blame him for that, and they didn't break up or anything, but I think it's made her feel a lot more isolated I think.
  - raindy_gordon 2y ago
    You have a lot of self awareness. Maybe try to fix things with the boyfriend?
    - 2y ago

langsoul-com 2y ago

So, how will you redeem yourself for past behaviours?

tombert 2y ago
Yeah, I have no idea. I did apologize to the relevant people, and it was sincere but I have no idea if they believe me. ETA: I thought about doing something like buying my sister in law a new iPhone or something, but that of course feels pretty dirty, like I'm just buying forgiveness, and frankly it's kind of selfish on my end, trying to convert someone's sadness into something transactional because transactional things are much easier to deal with.
- langsoul-com 2y ago
  It's a pretty difficult situation. What said has been said, the damage has been done and there's no going back. The circumstances also matter, a period of emotional vulnerability. No friends, out of comfort zone. The current result is a breakdown of trust and feeling uncomfortable around each other. How can one restore trust in such a situation? Would it even be better to say for them to go back to the small town? Being honest about how they seemed better mentally and spiritually there? Truly not an envious position.
  - tombert 2y ago
    Yeah, it doesn't help that I really dislike the boyfriend already [1], so there's only so much I can say while still being honest, and I don't really do apologies unless I feel there's something I should be apologizing for. I suspect the only thing that I can do is be polite to her and just wait it out. [1] He didn't do anything actionable, he's just kind of a dumb douchebag.

jemmyw 2y ago

Presumably she does have the ability to make a decision to move back though? I assume you've broached her options so she knows you're supportive? People need a lot of reassurance that it's ok to change course if something isn't working out.

tombert 2y ago
We've tried to make it clear that she's welcome to move back if she wants, but that she's also welcome to stay here. Obviously we're not holding her hostage, and we'd help her move back (or anywhere else) if that's what she wants. I think me yelling at her boyfriend made her feel like she was unwelcome to do anything fun here.

mtalantikite 2y ago

NYC is a tough place for a lot of people. When I moved here years ago I was lucky in that I had a lot of friends from college that were also in the city. It could be tough meeting people if you don’t already have that or a third space you enjoy going to. Maybe find some classes she might be interested in? There’s art stuff at pioneer works, art/computer stuff at school for poetic computation, tons of music/language/cooking lessons, etc. I’ve met lots of good friends in yoga, meditation, or Muay Thai spaces in nyc. I think you can’t be rough on yourself about bringing her here though. It’s a beautiful place to live if you can get over the beginning difficulty!

tombert 2y ago
Yeah, as I mentioned, I've always been able to find someone I get along with in most jobs that I've had, and so I've managed to find friends, and I've also never had much of a problem being alone for long periods of time. I'm also married so I have a friend that's pretty much always in close proximity. NYC kicked my ass in a lot of ways when I first moved here, but not in the "lack of friends" category. My wife is similar to me in that regard; she's usually able to find one person who she gets along with, and she's also generally ok being alone. Part of the reason we convinced her to move here was because we thought that she'd have a higher likelihood of going to college if she went to a bigger city (and the CUNY system is excellent and inexpensive). She did go to CUNY for a semester, but for reasons I won't pretend I fully understand, she decided to do online college after that, which she's still doing. I'm not sure how to talk her into some kind of extra IRL classes. Her only friend here, as far as I can tell, is her boyfriend. Honestly I think most people can get by with just one friend, but he said he's not going to come back to our house ever again because I'm a dick. I don't really blame him for that, and they didn't break up or anything, but I think it's made her feel a lot more isolated I think.
- raindy_gordon 2y ago
  You have a lot of self awareness. Maybe try to fix things with the boyfriend?
  - 2y ago