3 ms·

I have a job and I don't live alone, so I don't think I fall into the hikikomri definition in any real sense of the word, but I will say that remote work kind o

I have a job and I don't live alone, so I don't think I fall into the hikikomri definition in any real sense of the word, but I will say that remote work kind of made me adjacent to it. I sort of have a strong distaste to leave my house a lot of the time since 2020. I still do leave my house, I have a job that requires me to be in the office for two days a week, but it's something I dread every single week for a variety of reasons. There's something bizarrely comforting about just staying in your bedroom all day and pretending the rest of the world doesn't exist, and it's kind of addictive. Going outside and having a social life is usually worth it, but it's also kind of intimidating; I have to take a shower, get on the train with a bunch of strangers and not do anything too weird because of course I care a tiny bit what these strangers think about me for whatever reason, go into an office with people who are not-quite-strangers and work extra hard to not be too weird or say anything that might upset someone and keep my desk clean and have meetings with managers who could fire you immediately for any reason they want...it's all exhausting. I still try and make an effort to leave my house sometimes, but I kind of get why hikikomori do it.

amonith 2y ago
Kind of same, except add a wife and a kid under way. There's plenty of us. Most people absolutely do not regularly "go out" if they work and have a family. We maintain the bare minimum social interaction because we have to but we'd happily skip it in a heartbeat.
globular-toast 2y ago
Yeah. I'm similar too. I guess I was almost a hikikomori at one point. I was basically nocturnal and really afraid of social situations. But I was kinda forced into society by having to get a job and stuff; my parents weren't going to look after me. I haven't been single for very long at all over the past 15 years, but I have very little social interaction. In the past I would force myself to go out to avoid being single and lonely. But every single time I've been in a relationship I shy away from this. I used to think I should force myself to do it, like how some people force themselves to exercise, but now I think why should I force myself to do something I don't want to do for my whole life? It's clear at this point it's part of my nature and won't change. Who am I trying to impress? I just want to be alone most of the time. It's as simple as that. I work from home 5 days a week and I've never been happier. It's not that I hate every second of socialising but it's just not how I want to spend my life. I often tell people it's like going into a sauna. Yeah, you'll go in and enjoy it, but the most important thing is getting out. Nobody wants to spend their whole life in a sauna.
- tombert 2y ago
  Yeah, I get it. I have friends, I like my friends (else I wouldn't be friends with them), and I like socializing with them, but it almost never even occurs to me to invite them out to do something. Stuff like that kind of makes me a little anxious. It's also gotten worse since I completely stopped drinking alcohol for the last few years. I wasn't a huge drinker anyway, but the liquid courage of even a tiny bit of alcohol did relieve that anxiety, and made it easier to do stuff with friends. Now that I don't drink alcohol I'm a little boring.
  - silverquiet 2y ago
    You can see about getting a benzo like Xanax or Ativan. Similar effects to alcohol without some of the downsides. They do have downsides of their own but are fine when taken sparingly.
    - tombert 2y ago
      Drugs scare me even more than people; there's a history of addiction in my family so I don't really want to open that can of worms. I'm not really miserable or anything; my wife keeps me company and she's fun to be around.
    - globular-toast 2y ago
      Why is it always seen as a problem that needs fixing, though? I really don't get it.
      - silverquiet 2y ago
        How did you find your partner(s)?
        globular-toast 2y ago
        Initially I taught myself how to be social ("normal") by reading stuff online. For finding partners and dating in particular the "seduction" type subreddits etc are good. There's a lot of bullshit and misogynistic stuff but if you can deal with that the underlying truths are sound. Meanwhile I improved my appearance by eating right, dressing right and getting a good haircut. Again, also tons of useful info online. Then I just forced myself to go out and practice being social. Before long I realised I could do it, to some extent. There are still some things I can't do. I hate large gatherings and "mingling". Just can't do it and never found any good advice on how to do it. But it doesn't matter, it turns out you don't need to for finding a partner. There are plenty of women who are compatible with my social preferences. Losing my virginity seemed like a huge deal at the time and it wasn't as easy as it should have been, but afterwards I realised I'd built it up in my mind to be something much bigger than it really is. Literal idiots have sex. I've also used online dating a lot, but it wouldn't have been as fruitful if I hadn't done the above first.
anal_reactor 2y ago
> Going outside and having a social life is usually worth it Doubt. The biggest reason for me not to attend social events is that 99% of people are useless from my perspective and it's extremely rare for me to come across someone I actually enjoy spending time with.
- moffkalast 2y ago
  Well yeah I think OP means hanging out with those few people you socially enjoy being with. Despite being worth it, even that is sometimes an uphill struggle if you lose energy from it. I'm still bracing to see how much better/worse language models will make the situation on a global level. So many times I find myself talking to them instead of actual people because there's no chat latency and they're nicer to talk to anyway.
- kwere 2y ago
  usually social outings become "fake" and being around people to be "social" becomes really sad

amonith 2y ago

Kind of same, except add a wife and a kid under way. There's plenty of us. Most people absolutely do not regularly "go out" if they work and have a family. We maintain the bare minimum social interaction because we have to but we'd happily skip it in a heartbeat.

globular-toast 2y ago

Yeah. I'm similar too. I guess I was almost a hikikomori at one point. I was basically nocturnal and really afraid of social situations. But I was kinda forced into society by having to get a job and stuff; my parents weren't going to look after me. I haven't been single for very long at all over the past 15 years, but I have very little social interaction. In the past I would force myself to go out to avoid being single and lonely. But every single time I've been in a relationship I shy away from this. I used to think I should force myself to do it, like how some people force themselves to exercise, but now I think why should I force myself to do something I don't want to do for my whole life? It's clear at this point it's part of my nature and won't change. Who am I trying to impress? I just want to be alone most of the time. It's as simple as that. I work from home 5 days a week and I've never been happier. It's not that I hate every second of socialising but it's just not how I want to spend my life. I often tell people it's like going into a sauna. Yeah, you'll go in and enjoy it, but the most important thing is getting out. Nobody wants to spend their whole life in a sauna.

tombert 2y ago
Yeah, I get it. I have friends, I like my friends (else I wouldn't be friends with them), and I like socializing with them, but it almost never even occurs to me to invite them out to do something. Stuff like that kind of makes me a little anxious. It's also gotten worse since I completely stopped drinking alcohol for the last few years. I wasn't a huge drinker anyway, but the liquid courage of even a tiny bit of alcohol did relieve that anxiety, and made it easier to do stuff with friends. Now that I don't drink alcohol I'm a little boring.
- silverquiet 2y ago
  You can see about getting a benzo like Xanax or Ativan. Similar effects to alcohol without some of the downsides. They do have downsides of their own but are fine when taken sparingly.
  - tombert 2y ago
    Drugs scare me even more than people; there's a history of addiction in my family so I don't really want to open that can of worms. I'm not really miserable or anything; my wife keeps me company and she's fun to be around.
  - globular-toast 2y ago
    Why is it always seen as a problem that needs fixing, though? I really don't get it.
    - silverquiet 2y ago
      How did you find your partner(s)?
      - globular-toast 2y ago
        Initially I taught myself how to be social ("normal") by reading stuff online. For finding partners and dating in particular the "seduction" type subreddits etc are good. There's a lot of bullshit and misogynistic stuff but if you can deal with that the underlying truths are sound. Meanwhile I improved my appearance by eating right, dressing right and getting a good haircut. Again, also tons of useful info online. Then I just forced myself to go out and practice being social. Before long I realised I could do it, to some extent. There are still some things I can't do. I hate large gatherings and "mingling". Just can't do it and never found any good advice on how to do it. But it doesn't matter, it turns out you don't need to for finding a partner. There are plenty of women who are compatible with my social preferences. Losing my virginity seemed like a huge deal at the time and it wasn't as easy as it should have been, but afterwards I realised I'd built it up in my mind to be something much bigger than it really is. Literal idiots have sex. I've also used online dating a lot, but it wouldn't have been as fruitful if I hadn't done the above first.

anal_reactor 2y ago

> Going outside and having a social life is usually worth it Doubt. The biggest reason for me not to attend social events is that 99% of people are useless from my perspective and it's extremely rare for me to come across someone I actually enjoy spending time with.

moffkalast 2y ago
Well yeah I think OP means hanging out with those few people you socially enjoy being with. Despite being worth it, even that is sometimes an uphill struggle if you lose energy from it. I'm still bracing to see how much better/worse language models will make the situation on a global level. So many times I find myself talking to them instead of actual people because there's no chat latency and they're nicer to talk to anyway.
kwere 2y ago
usually social outings become "fake" and being around people to be "social" becomes really sad