4 ms·

Social capital follows the same progression as regular capital. If you already have a lot of friends and acquaintances, it's easy to make more. You either get i

by nicbou 2y ago

Social capital follows the same progression as regular capital. If you already have a lot of friends and acquaintances, it's easy to make more. You either get invited to things, or you can organise something and know people will come. Loneliness is a big problem among recent immigrants. They all struggle to make friends at first, because they have no social capital to build upon. It's hard to break into established circles without being introduced by a member, and few people will show up to a stranger's party unless it's vetted by friends. There is such a thing as being socially destitute, and the recovery can be quite difficult, especially when you have other things going on in your life.

hackable_sand 2y ago
Great reminder about immigration's social barriers. Church and work are the lowest friction social spaces that I can think of outside of wealth dimension. The problem still defaults to getting your foot in the door though. It requires a certain elevation of compassion and information in enough social circles for a single person to overcome cultural devides.
- _lvbh 2y ago
  Indeed some of the most social times of my life was when I went to church despite not being Christian. They tend to be very welcoming and friendly in my experience. Sports clubs are great (e.g. badminton) as something less controversial
  - hackable_sand 2y ago
    Sports are pretty good. Frisbee golf is basically free wherever you go.
tombert 2y ago
So about two years ago, we got my sister in law to move into our house, because she was graduating high school and we felt that there was more opportunity in NYC than in small-town-USA, at least for a younger person. We like having her around, she's very nice, but she's also had trouble finding new friends/social-circles here, and I kind of feel bad for dragging her up here as a result. I've always been someone who is happy enough alone, and I generally find a few coworkers at every job that I become friends with anyway, it's never been too hard for me, but I realize that I'm pretty weird. I feel like I yanked her away from a relatively comfortable and established social circle, brought her to a place where she knows nobody, and then just expected everything to be ok, which makes me feel like a dick. Doesn't help that I ended up yelling at her boyfriend a week ago, for valid-but-not-worth-yelling-about reasons, and now I think she's afraid to leave her bedroom, so I might have inadvertently given her hikikomori tendencies. I'm an asshole :/ [1] usually the especially geeky people who will listen to me ramble about math.
- langsoul-com 2y ago
  So, how will you redeem yourself for past behaviours?
  - tombert 2y ago
    Yeah, I have no idea. I did apologize to the relevant people, and it was sincere but I have no idea if they believe me. ETA: I thought about doing something like buying my sister in law a new iPhone or something, but that of course feels pretty dirty, like I'm just buying forgiveness, and frankly it's kind of selfish on my end, trying to convert someone's sadness into something transactional because transactional things are much easier to deal with.
    - langsoul-com 2y ago
      It's a pretty difficult situation. What said has been said, the damage has been done and there's no going back. The circumstances also matter, a period of emotional vulnerability. No friends, out of comfort zone. The current result is a breakdown of trust and feeling uncomfortable around each other. How can one restore trust in such a situation? Would it even be better to say for them to go back to the small town? Being honest about how they seemed better mentally and spiritually there? Truly not an envious position.
      - tombert 2y ago
        Yeah, it doesn't help that I really dislike the boyfriend already [1], so there's only so much I can say while still being honest, and I don't really do apologies unless I feel there's something I should be apologizing for. I suspect the only thing that I can do is be polite to her and just wait it out. [1] He didn't do anything actionable, he's just kind of a dumb douchebag.
- jemmyw 2y ago
  Presumably she does have the ability to make a decision to move back though? I assume you've broached her options so she knows you're supportive? People need a lot of reassurance that it's ok to change course if something isn't working out.
deleted 2y ago
[deleted]

by nicbou 2y ago

hackable_sand 2y ago

Great reminder about immigration's social barriers. Church and work are the lowest friction social spaces that I can think of outside of wealth dimension. The problem still defaults to getting your foot in the door though. It requires a certain elevation of compassion and information in enough social circles for a single person to overcome cultural devides.

_lvbh 2y ago
Indeed some of the most social times of my life was when I went to church despite not being Christian. They tend to be very welcoming and friendly in my experience. Sports clubs are great (e.g. badminton) as something less controversial
- hackable_sand 2y ago
  Sports are pretty good. Frisbee golf is basically free wherever you go.

tombert 2y ago

So about two years ago, we got my sister in law to move into our house, because she was graduating high school and we felt that there was more opportunity in NYC than in small-town-USA, at least for a younger person. We like having her around, she's very nice, but she's also had trouble finding new friends/social-circles here, and I kind of feel bad for dragging her up here as a result. I've always been someone who is happy enough alone, and I generally find a few coworkers at every job that I become friends with anyway, it's never been too hard for me, but I realize that I'm pretty weird. I feel like I yanked her away from a relatively comfortable and established social circle, brought her to a place where she knows nobody, and then just expected everything to be ok, which makes me feel like a dick. Doesn't help that I ended up yelling at her boyfriend a week ago, for valid-but-not-worth-yelling-about reasons, and now I think she's afraid to leave her bedroom, so I might have inadvertently given her hikikomori tendencies. I'm an asshole :/ [1] usually the especially geeky people who will listen to me ramble about math.

langsoul-com 2y ago
So, how will you redeem yourself for past behaviours?
- tombert 2y ago
  Yeah, I have no idea. I did apologize to the relevant people, and it was sincere but I have no idea if they believe me. ETA: I thought about doing something like buying my sister in law a new iPhone or something, but that of course feels pretty dirty, like I'm just buying forgiveness, and frankly it's kind of selfish on my end, trying to convert someone's sadness into something transactional because transactional things are much easier to deal with.
  - langsoul-com 2y ago
    It's a pretty difficult situation. What said has been said, the damage has been done and there's no going back. The circumstances also matter, a period of emotional vulnerability. No friends, out of comfort zone. The current result is a breakdown of trust and feeling uncomfortable around each other. How can one restore trust in such a situation? Would it even be better to say for them to go back to the small town? Being honest about how they seemed better mentally and spiritually there? Truly not an envious position.
    - tombert 2y ago
      Yeah, it doesn't help that I really dislike the boyfriend already [1], so there's only so much I can say while still being honest, and I don't really do apologies unless I feel there's something I should be apologizing for. I suspect the only thing that I can do is be polite to her and just wait it out. [1] He didn't do anything actionable, he's just kind of a dumb douchebag.
jemmyw 2y ago
Presumably she does have the ability to make a decision to move back though? I assume you've broached her options so she knows you're supportive? People need a lot of reassurance that it's ok to change course if something isn't working out.

deleted 2y ago

[deleted]