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Attachment Theory is an interesting subject on the matter. A few useful books which helped me with both understanding and healing (there're still problems, but

Attachment Theory is an interesting subject on the matter. A few useful books which helped me with both understanding and healing (there're still problems, but it gets better): 1. Love Sense, Sue Johnson. 2. The Power of Attachment, Diane Pooler Heller. 3. Understanding Disorganized Attachment: Theory and Practice for Working with Children and Adults, David, Shemmings and Yvonne Shemmings. 4. The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk. 5. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Sue Johnson. 6. "Focusing" practice, Eugene Gendlin. 7. How to survive the most critical 5 seconds of your life, Tim Larkin. The first four lay down foundations, explaining the mechanics, possible solutions, will help in navigating, filtering and planning the healing. The 5th and 6th are actual healing, former for couples, the latter mostly for individuals. The last one is about a wisdom of violence embedded into the body of affected individuals which is likely suppressed by the rational part of the mind.

resource_waste 2y ago
I'm a big fan of reading, but I'm not sure I'll be able to go through 7 books before my next crisis. Surely there is another recommendation/simplification?
- scoot 2y ago
  "Attached" by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. A very approachable work on the subject, exploring the four attachment types (but recognising that they are on a multi-dimensional spectrum), with real-world examples and practical strategies for coping.
- igorramazanov 2y ago
  If I'd have to pick only one book, then it'd be the second one.
cassepipe 2y ago
Scott Alexander's review of The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk : https://slatestarcodex.com/2019/11/12/book-review-the-body-keeps-the-score/ https://slatestarcodex.com/2019/11/12/book-review-the-body-k...
- beyonddream 2y ago
  Thanks for sharing!
sleno 2y ago
Could you summarize some practical takeaways from all these books? To be honest I've become a bit skeptical of how much this sort of stuff helps. From what I see, our society has become much more well-versed in all this psychology-therapy-trauma material in the last 20 years, yet despite this we're taking more anti-depressants and seeing more therapy than ever. Mentally and spiritually we seem to be doing worse than ever before, especially kids. Somehow, humans managed to get by for thousands of years without any of this stuff. I can honestly say the people I know who are more knowledgeable in all this psychology-trauma material seem to be the least well adjusted. Conversely, my more religious friends (Catholic, Muslim) seem happier and more resilient psychologically. Maybe it's just correlation. Maybe if we didn't have all this academic literature on trauma becoming mainstream people would be doing even worse. But it also seems possible that over-analyzing and over-pathologizing 'trauma' can have exactly the opposite effect we hope it to have.
- Ghexor 2y ago
  I think your impression has merit and labeling people as 'sick' or 'broken' or any of the diagnoses in psychology literature, that imply just about the same, can keep people stuck identifying with their afflictions. And that there's some great value in religion that we've not found a good replacement for. I also believe that one can go without facing deeply traumatic events for an entire life and seem to many on the outside to be doing much better than one who goes the difficult path of deconstructing oneself and their family history. And I think our unhappiness and that of our children is well explained by our late-stage-capitalist, individualistic cultures and the rise of technology that profits from (ill-)serving our social needs. 'It's no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.' - Jiddu Krishnamurti
  - wumbo 2y ago
    “some great value in religion” takes a long time of filtering through stories and metaphors to find the actual point. I get it, some lessons are hard to teach and it’s easier to present the framework of the lesson in a story, then people make connections as they grow. But you also have to consider all of the harmful misinterpretations that come with it. If most people come away from religion less ethical than nonreligious people, let’s see if we can take the good parts of the texts and throw the rest away. E.g. learning about mystical buddhism versus just going to therapy and breathing for a while.
AndrewKemendo 2y ago
Also Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown was a breakthrough book for me
steve_adams_86 2y ago
I found “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” extremely revelatory. It was a great introduction to the concept for me. Funnily enough, I picked up up thinking this stuff was nonsense. Then it hit me like a bag of bricks. It was very humbling. Since then I’ve also found writing by James Hollis very useful. One which stood out for me was “Under Saturn’s Shadow: The Wounding and Healing of Men”. It’s quite insightful about how modern life can afflict men, and how men can learn, adapt, and overcome these challenges. It’s refreshingly well-rounded and takes seriously the idea that men can suffer just as women do, patriarchy or not (and even because of it), and offers tools to work towards making things right. In general his work is a great stepping stone from understanding CPTSD to then finding more nuanced models of the internal mechanisms, how to understand and articulate them, then ultimately grow beyond them. Some may find the Jungian psychology overwhelming or off-putting (I did initially), but there is real substance there.
dustractor 2y ago
You seem to be a connoisseur of this genre of reading material. You might enjoy "Feelings Matter: Keys to the Unexplored Self" by Ceanne DeRohan.
aidenn0 2y ago
What no Daniel Siegel?
ramity 2y ago
#4 was a profound and very validating read for me understanding how the brain handles traumatic events. Thanks for sharing.
- MrDresden 2y ago
  Not to deny your experience with it, however looking up the author and the book I notice that it has drawn some serious criticisms for inaccuracies and lack of empirical data backing up claims.
  - biorach 2y ago
    Links? He cites a _lot_ of empirical research and the book is generally highly regarded in the field
    - infecto 2y ago
      Do you have links yourself for those claims?
      - wing-_-nuts 2y ago
        You could see the bibliography of the book itself. You could google a bit and see the guy is a leader in this field, and a pioneer of this research. Answering a request for sources of your assertion with a request for theirs isn't done in good faith.
        infecto 2y ago
        I made no such assertion? I was following the thread and I think its a fair request. It was an easy google search to see that he was fired for bullying and creating a hostile workplace a few years back...not sure where that landed. And I saw a number of articles relating to pseudoscience that he recommends in the book. It was a simple ask for their simple ask.
  - reflexco 2y ago
agumonkey 2y ago
Are these talking about the neurological basis of attachment ? Thanks for the list nonetheless.
- igorramazanov 2y ago
  Yes, except the "Focusing" practice and the last one about the violence. Attachment is a weird thing, because it usually happens so early in life where there are no memories yet. However, infants still internalize everything, they can feel, react to the environment and understand consequences of what their feelings tell them. "If I'm scared, then there's a high probability of something bad to be happen to me". So, there are may not be rational memories to be linked to the problem 20-30 years later in life. P.S. Speaking from the personal experience - during the focusing practice I was able to verbally conceptualize these old feelings which became a part of my identity. In the end, the crux was being an infant, a sensation of being blind, overfocused on touch and sounds, high sensation of exposedness and nakedness, sensation of mother's touch and realisation that she's unable to attune to me emotionally, like it's still a human touch, but similar to touching a stone. Hence, the futile cry and scream to draw her attention out of fear to be protected. To paraphraze, it felt like if now, I'd get tied (immobilized), blindfolded and left naked in the night Luisiana swamps. It's weird, but I think, I actually understood why infants may cry and have a need to be seen and connected to. It seems to be so logical for me nowadays - they are humans too, after all.
  - agumonkey 2y ago
    > So, there are may not be rational memories to be linked to the problem 20-30 years later in life. Yeah that was the hidden question I had, your neurology can stack up years of life until you end up in a dead end and everything breaks.

resource_waste 2y ago

I'm a big fan of reading, but I'm not sure I'll be able to go through 7 books before my next crisis. Surely there is another recommendation/simplification?

scoot 2y ago
"Attached" by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. A very approachable work on the subject, exploring the four attachment types (but recognising that they are on a multi-dimensional spectrum), with real-world examples and practical strategies for coping.
igorramazanov 2y ago
If I'd have to pick only one book, then it'd be the second one.

cassepipe 2y ago

Scott Alexander's review of The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk : https://slatestarcodex.com/2019/11/12/book-review-the-body-keeps-the-score/ https://slatestarcodex.com/2019/11/12/book-review-the-body-k...

beyonddream 2y ago
Thanks for sharing!

sleno 2y ago

Could you summarize some practical takeaways from all these books? To be honest I've become a bit skeptical of how much this sort of stuff helps. From what I see, our society has become much more well-versed in all this psychology-therapy-trauma material in the last 20 years, yet despite this we're taking more anti-depressants and seeing more therapy than ever. Mentally and spiritually we seem to be doing worse than ever before, especially kids. Somehow, humans managed to get by for thousands of years without any of this stuff. I can honestly say the people I know who are more knowledgeable in all this psychology-trauma material seem to be the least well adjusted. Conversely, my more religious friends (Catholic, Muslim) seem happier and more resilient psychologically. Maybe it's just correlation. Maybe if we didn't have all this academic literature on trauma becoming mainstream people would be doing even worse. But it also seems possible that over-analyzing and over-pathologizing 'trauma' can have exactly the opposite effect we hope it to have.

Ghexor 2y ago
I think your impression has merit and labeling people as 'sick' or 'broken' or any of the diagnoses in psychology literature, that imply just about the same, can keep people stuck identifying with their afflictions. And that there's some great value in religion that we've not found a good replacement for. I also believe that one can go without facing deeply traumatic events for an entire life and seem to many on the outside to be doing much better than one who goes the difficult path of deconstructing oneself and their family history. And I think our unhappiness and that of our children is well explained by our late-stage-capitalist, individualistic cultures and the rise of technology that profits from (ill-)serving our social needs. 'It's no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.' - Jiddu Krishnamurti
- wumbo 2y ago
  “some great value in religion” takes a long time of filtering through stories and metaphors to find the actual point. I get it, some lessons are hard to teach and it’s easier to present the framework of the lesson in a story, then people make connections as they grow. But you also have to consider all of the harmful misinterpretations that come with it. If most people come away from religion less ethical than nonreligious people, let’s see if we can take the good parts of the texts and throw the rest away. E.g. learning about mystical buddhism versus just going to therapy and breathing for a while.

AndrewKemendo 2y ago

Also Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown was a breakthrough book for me

steve_adams_86 2y ago

I found “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” extremely revelatory. It was a great introduction to the concept for me. Funnily enough, I picked up up thinking this stuff was nonsense. Then it hit me like a bag of bricks. It was very humbling. Since then I’ve also found writing by James Hollis very useful. One which stood out for me was “Under Saturn’s Shadow: The Wounding and Healing of Men”. It’s quite insightful about how modern life can afflict men, and how men can learn, adapt, and overcome these challenges. It’s refreshingly well-rounded and takes seriously the idea that men can suffer just as women do, patriarchy or not (and even because of it), and offers tools to work towards making things right. In general his work is a great stepping stone from understanding CPTSD to then finding more nuanced models of the internal mechanisms, how to understand and articulate them, then ultimately grow beyond them. Some may find the Jungian psychology overwhelming or off-putting (I did initially), but there is real substance there.

dustractor 2y ago

You seem to be a connoisseur of this genre of reading material. You might enjoy "Feelings Matter: Keys to the Unexplored Self" by Ceanne DeRohan.

aidenn0 2y ago

What no Daniel Siegel?

ramity 2y ago

#4 was a profound and very validating read for me understanding how the brain handles traumatic events. Thanks for sharing.

MrDresden 2y ago
Not to deny your experience with it, however looking up the author and the book I notice that it has drawn some serious criticisms for inaccuracies and lack of empirical data backing up claims.
- biorach 2y ago
  Links? He cites a _lot_ of empirical research and the book is generally highly regarded in the field
  - infecto 2y ago
    Do you have links yourself for those claims?
    - wing-_-nuts 2y ago
      You could see the bibliography of the book itself. You could google a bit and see the guy is a leader in this field, and a pioneer of this research. Answering a request for sources of your assertion with a request for theirs isn't done in good faith.
      - infecto 2y ago
        I made no such assertion? I was following the thread and I think its a fair request. It was an easy google search to see that he was fired for bullying and creating a hostile workplace a few years back...not sure where that landed. And I saw a number of articles relating to pseudoscience that he recommends in the book. It was a simple ask for their simple ask.
- reflexco 2y ago

agumonkey 2y ago

Are these talking about the neurological basis of attachment ? Thanks for the list nonetheless.

igorramazanov 2y ago
Yes, except the "Focusing" practice and the last one about the violence. Attachment is a weird thing, because it usually happens so early in life where there are no memories yet. However, infants still internalize everything, they can feel, react to the environment and understand consequences of what their feelings tell them. "If I'm scared, then there's a high probability of something bad to be happen to me". So, there are may not be rational memories to be linked to the problem 20-30 years later in life. P.S. Speaking from the personal experience - during the focusing practice I was able to verbally conceptualize these old feelings which became a part of my identity. In the end, the crux was being an infant, a sensation of being blind, overfocused on touch and sounds, high sensation of exposedness and nakedness, sensation of mother's touch and realisation that she's unable to attune to me emotionally, like it's still a human touch, but similar to touching a stone. Hence, the futile cry and scream to draw her attention out of fear to be protected. To paraphraze, it felt like if now, I'd get tied (immobilized), blindfolded and left naked in the night Luisiana swamps. It's weird, but I think, I actually understood why infants may cry and have a need to be seen and connected to. It seems to be so logical for me nowadays - they are humans too, after all.
- agumonkey 2y ago
  > So, there are may not be rational memories to be linked to the problem 20-30 years later in life. Yeah that was the hidden question I had, your neurology can stack up years of life until you end up in a dead end and everything breaks.