8 ms·

This stuff is almost too scary for me to read. My childhood was awful and only around age 30 did my life start to get "better".

by diob 2y ago

deleted 2y ago
[deleted]
passing_through 2y ago
First 20 years of my life was me waiting to get out of the environment I was in. The next 5 trying to stay alive. The past 5 improving myself, my mental health, the way I view life and relate to others. It's all good in the end. For 25 years of my life I thought everyone faked being happy. I now know that it actually is possible to be happy :).
- PodgieTar 2y ago
  I get that feeling of feeling like everyone is faking being happy, and I'm glad that you've found a way to overcome it. For me, I've always struggled with being overly cynical. I can't let nice moments be, and I can't let accomplishments lie. I feel like I'm somewhere on the journey you are on, and I hope to get to the same destination.
  - Cthulhu_ 2y ago
    I'm no psychologist but I share the sentiment, a feeling of "this'll all end up in tears anyway". From the point of view of attachment theory, it may be related to avoidant attachment; don't get too attached to nice moments, accomplishments, good times because something will go wrong. I'm fairly sure I'm in the avoidant quadrant; as to what caused it, I'm not entirely sure but the things that fit are that my mother was very ill when I was 3 (thrombosis, she spent a few days in ER), and that a friend who sort of "saved" me from being all alone at school just left one day (her parents moved), which re-emphasized my already present feeling of "shouldn't get too attached". The rest was probably self-inflicted, feelings of superiority / being more mature than the other kids, fear of rejection, etc. But it adds up and resulted in growing up awkward, immature, single, boring, etc. I'm 38 now and have been through some mental health stuff, but it's expensive (since it's not clinical) and ultimately pointless unless I throw my life around, become a more social person, and get a lot more reinforcement that I'm wrong and my cynicism is not justified. But instead I get reinforcement that I'm not wrong. To a point that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, but at the same time society is going through a loneliness crisis and focused on individuality, so... I'm not wrong? Anyway; avoidant attachment theory, have a look.
- lanstin 2y ago
  I was sexually abused by a family member at young age. It certainly affected me in negative ways, and should be stopped, but it is also important to emphasize to current victims that being abused doesn't make you uniquely and shamefully damaged. Some large percentage of humans have been traumatized as children, and many of us find our way to a fulfilling and good life. Lots of therapy, maybe a few sharp corners that won't go away, but still healing is possible, and not even algorithmically difficult, just a lot of hard work and awareness and willingness to question deeply behind the surface of things. I might sometimes get triggered by certain textures while I am eating, but I am able to trust people and tolerate being hurt without totally shutting down and enjoy my family and work and leisure. Some people are tremendously evil, but most people are surprisingly resilient. We didn't get thru human history without being able to overcome a lot.
  - Cthulhu_ 2y ago
    Both the cause and consequences of this need to be addressed, but the problems are twofold; one is that - of course - it's hidden, and most cases of abuse are never made public; in my personal experience (not me but my SO) it's the victim that doesn't want anyone else to know, and I'm confident that this is the case in many cases. And the other part - the consequences - need to be addressed too. Many people I know are in a mental health program of sorts, myself included although that was mostly last year and nothing major. But a lot of people in their 30's finally have the awareness that something is not right, the time/means to pursue it, and the access to mental health, and get a lot of epiphanies on themselves - be it trauma, neurodiversity such as ADHD/ASD, etc. At least four adults I know have started on ADHD medication and have had an emotional moment where for the first times in their life their head emptied and they could think straight or not go through a dozen mood swings a day. But we're in a mental health crisis; a lot of people grew up with "just suck it up", "deal with it", "there's others that have it worse", or "this is normal", but thanks to awareness, the internet, and reduced stigma to talk about mental health, there's a lot of people now who realize they need help, which is overloading the mental health systems. In my country there's at least a year long wait period for some of the most vulnerable people (teenagers), which is a big problem because teenagers are also more neuroplastic still, so they would benefit the most from mental health help compared to people in their 30's. TL;DR, while the root causes from an older generation will be difficult to solve, I have high hopes for a younger generation that has more awareness and access to mental health problems and who can hopefully resolve their own issues growing up and not pass it on to the younger generation. However, I'm also aware that the above is a very "western" point of view; there's plenty of situations worldwide, right now, that will result in generational trauma for decades to come yet. The people currently living in warzones, poverty, etc will never be the same again. "Our" generation is the children and grandchildren of people who lived through WW2, who themselves or whose parents lived through WW1 and the Great Depression, and this generational trauma is still very much affecting "us" today to lesser or greater degrees.
smeej 2y ago
I've been going through a similar metamorphosis, but it didn't start until 36. I wonder sometimes whether I'll have missed out on some things permanently because of it. For instance, every year my odds of carrying a healthy child to term drop farther, and I'm already considered "geriatric" for pregnancy purposes. I really don't see how it could have happened any earlier than it did, and I'm grateful it happened at all because I can easily see how it could have been worse, but there's still a grief journey involved even though I try not to dwell on the things lost.
- SoftTalker 2y ago
  Everyone "misses out" on things either due to choices they make or events/accidents that are out of their control. Being a parent can be rewarding but it also comes with a lot of expense, worry, and sacrifice. There are a lot of things a childless person or couple can do that would be difficult or impossible for someone with kids, and a lot of things that they will never have to deal with (e.g. serious illness or death of a child, the possibility that the child "fails to launch" or even becomes a criminal, etc.). I have no regrets but parenthood is a fork in the road in life and there is "missing out" on both sides of it.
  - 01HNNWZ0MV43FF 2y ago
    The concern is whether you're missing out on something you would have preferred to have. I missed out on a lot of young adult stuff, partying, traveling, sleeping around, and I can't seem to get over it. I have lots of money but I can't seem to buy my way out of resentment and envy for people who had a more ordinary life
    - SoftTalker 2y ago
      IMO that stuff is overrated, but either way you can't change the past, neither the mistakes you made, the abuse you suffered, or the stuff you never did. Look forward, not back. And in my experience, if you have money you'll have no trouble finding people to party with you, if that's what you want to do. Go to the nearest bar and start buying rounds.

This stuff is almost too scary for me to read. My childhood was awful and only around age 30 did my life start to get "better".

by diob 2y ago

This stuff is almost too scary for me to read. My childhood was awful and only around age 30 did my life start to get "better".

deleted 2y ago

[deleted]

passing_through 2y ago

First 20 years of my life was me waiting to get out of the environment I was in. The next 5 trying to stay alive. The past 5 improving myself, my mental health, the way I view life and relate to others. It's all good in the end. For 25 years of my life I thought everyone faked being happy. I now know that it actually is possible to be happy :).

PodgieTar 2y ago
I get that feeling of feeling like everyone is faking being happy, and I'm glad that you've found a way to overcome it. For me, I've always struggled with being overly cynical. I can't let nice moments be, and I can't let accomplishments lie. I feel like I'm somewhere on the journey you are on, and I hope to get to the same destination.
- Cthulhu_ 2y ago
  I'm no psychologist but I share the sentiment, a feeling of "this'll all end up in tears anyway". From the point of view of attachment theory, it may be related to avoidant attachment; don't get too attached to nice moments, accomplishments, good times because something will go wrong. I'm fairly sure I'm in the avoidant quadrant; as to what caused it, I'm not entirely sure but the things that fit are that my mother was very ill when I was 3 (thrombosis, she spent a few days in ER), and that a friend who sort of "saved" me from being all alone at school just left one day (her parents moved), which re-emphasized my already present feeling of "shouldn't get too attached". The rest was probably self-inflicted, feelings of superiority / being more mature than the other kids, fear of rejection, etc. But it adds up and resulted in growing up awkward, immature, single, boring, etc. I'm 38 now and have been through some mental health stuff, but it's expensive (since it's not clinical) and ultimately pointless unless I throw my life around, become a more social person, and get a lot more reinforcement that I'm wrong and my cynicism is not justified. But instead I get reinforcement that I'm not wrong. To a point that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, but at the same time society is going through a loneliness crisis and focused on individuality, so... I'm not wrong? Anyway; avoidant attachment theory, have a look.
lanstin 2y ago
I was sexually abused by a family member at young age. It certainly affected me in negative ways, and should be stopped, but it is also important to emphasize to current victims that being abused doesn't make you uniquely and shamefully damaged. Some large percentage of humans have been traumatized as children, and many of us find our way to a fulfilling and good life. Lots of therapy, maybe a few sharp corners that won't go away, but still healing is possible, and not even algorithmically difficult, just a lot of hard work and awareness and willingness to question deeply behind the surface of things. I might sometimes get triggered by certain textures while I am eating, but I am able to trust people and tolerate being hurt without totally shutting down and enjoy my family and work and leisure. Some people are tremendously evil, but most people are surprisingly resilient. We didn't get thru human history without being able to overcome a lot.
- Cthulhu_ 2y ago
  Both the cause and consequences of this need to be addressed, but the problems are twofold; one is that - of course - it's hidden, and most cases of abuse are never made public; in my personal experience (not me but my SO) it's the victim that doesn't want anyone else to know, and I'm confident that this is the case in many cases. And the other part - the consequences - need to be addressed too. Many people I know are in a mental health program of sorts, myself included although that was mostly last year and nothing major. But a lot of people in their 30's finally have the awareness that something is not right, the time/means to pursue it, and the access to mental health, and get a lot of epiphanies on themselves - be it trauma, neurodiversity such as ADHD/ASD, etc. At least four adults I know have started on ADHD medication and have had an emotional moment where for the first times in their life their head emptied and they could think straight or not go through a dozen mood swings a day. But we're in a mental health crisis; a lot of people grew up with "just suck it up", "deal with it", "there's others that have it worse", or "this is normal", but thanks to awareness, the internet, and reduced stigma to talk about mental health, there's a lot of people now who realize they need help, which is overloading the mental health systems. In my country there's at least a year long wait period for some of the most vulnerable people (teenagers), which is a big problem because teenagers are also more neuroplastic still, so they would benefit the most from mental health help compared to people in their 30's. TL;DR, while the root causes from an older generation will be difficult to solve, I have high hopes for a younger generation that has more awareness and access to mental health problems and who can hopefully resolve their own issues growing up and not pass it on to the younger generation. However, I'm also aware that the above is a very "western" point of view; there's plenty of situations worldwide, right now, that will result in generational trauma for decades to come yet. The people currently living in warzones, poverty, etc will never be the same again. "Our" generation is the children and grandchildren of people who lived through WW2, who themselves or whose parents lived through WW1 and the Great Depression, and this generational trauma is still very much affecting "us" today to lesser or greater degrees.

smeej 2y ago

I've been going through a similar metamorphosis, but it didn't start until 36. I wonder sometimes whether I'll have missed out on some things permanently because of it. For instance, every year my odds of carrying a healthy child to term drop farther, and I'm already considered "geriatric" for pregnancy purposes. I really don't see how it could have happened any earlier than it did, and I'm grateful it happened at all because I can easily see how it could have been worse, but there's still a grief journey involved even though I try not to dwell on the things lost.

SoftTalker 2y ago
Everyone "misses out" on things either due to choices they make or events/accidents that are out of their control. Being a parent can be rewarding but it also comes with a lot of expense, worry, and sacrifice. There are a lot of things a childless person or couple can do that would be difficult or impossible for someone with kids, and a lot of things that they will never have to deal with (e.g. serious illness or death of a child, the possibility that the child "fails to launch" or even becomes a criminal, etc.). I have no regrets but parenthood is a fork in the road in life and there is "missing out" on both sides of it.
- 01HNNWZ0MV43FF 2y ago
  The concern is whether you're missing out on something you would have preferred to have. I missed out on a lot of young adult stuff, partying, traveling, sleeping around, and I can't seem to get over it. I have lots of money but I can't seem to buy my way out of resentment and envy for people who had a more ordinary life
  - SoftTalker 2y ago
    IMO that stuff is overrated, but either way you can't change the past, neither the mistakes you made, the abuse you suffered, or the stuff you never did. Look forward, not back. And in my experience, if you have money you'll have no trouble finding people to party with you, if that's what you want to do. Go to the nearest bar and start buying rounds.