3 ms·

Yes! Many bad decisions—choosing the wrong partner, making bad health choices, or even getting the wrong degree, can be changed in 6-36 months, if the mistake i

by bckr 2y ago

Yes! Many bad decisions—choosing the wrong partner, making bad health choices, or even getting the wrong degree, can be changed in 6-36 months, if the mistake is realized. But the person who makes the mistake takes too long to see the mistake, and then goes about making the same mistake (or failing to make a different decision) for years after they start to question their decision. There’s the bottleneck. That’s why I’ve invested a lot of energy into being more flexible, changing my mind readily, and learning from my mistakes very quickly.

harimau777 2y ago
At least in relationships that's not the case. Unless you are naturally extroverted or charismatic, if you mess up and haven't figured things out by the time you are in your 30s then you may as well give up. American society just isn't built for finding love outside of school/college.
- Remnant44 2y ago
  That's a pretty strong claim to make completely unsupported by evidence. In fact, I think you'll find more people than ever before are settling down in their 30s and starting families, etc.
  - lelanthran 2y ago
    >> if you mess up and haven't figured things out by the time you are in your 30s > In fact, I think you'll find more people than ever before are settling down in their 30s and starting families, etc. I did not interpret GP post to mean "If you haven't settled down and started a family by 30, you may as well give up". I interpreted it more as "If you haven't made a decent sized social network, or haven't figured out how to approach strangers, or haven't been in a committed/long-term/love/etc relationship, or didn't socialise enough to develop socialisation skills, etc... THEN you may as well give up!" I think the GP's point is that those people who are settling down in their 30s and starting families, well, they didn't mess up, and figured things out before age 30. Maybe he'll clarify, but I agree with my interpretation: if you haven't figured out romantic relationships by age 30, you may as well give up, because post-30 it's exceedingly difficult to find an environment with lots of socialising with peers. Almost impossible, in fact, because, as you said, most people are already out of that scene anyway...
    - mlrtime 2y ago
      This is a incel mindset and very toxic. In reality this isn't black/white, but a spectrum. Some may have a harder time than others, but giving up is reductionary and depressing and leads nowhere.
      - lelanthran 2y ago
        > This is a incel mindset and very toxic. Is it really necessary to both slip in an insult and try to shame opposing ideas into silence before stating your point?
    - coolThingsFirst 2y ago
      Obviously it is in the West in tech circles where everyone is introverted and they work 14 hour days. The protestant work ethic has decimated society and all that matters.
    - Remnant44 2y ago
      I also disagree strongly with that. I live in Seattle (a city well known for being not social and welcoming - aka the seattle freeze), and didn't recover from being a shy introvert until around 30. The skills and mindset for human connection was hard for sure, but I found many pockets of really welcoming social environments around shared interests. My personal interests run to the outdoors, so for me it was hiking/biking/mountaineering/run clubs. However, groups and clubs around shared activities exist for almost any interest, and the whole point of them is to socialize and meet people! It DOES take some effort and discomfort, but it's not even close to "almost impossible".
- lanstin 2y ago
  I had a dreadful marriage that ended in my forties and am now ten years into a relationship where I am so persistently happy I had to rescale my idea of happiness. Maybe by a factor of 1024 or more. I have step kids and my kids have a step mom but they all have been exposed to more happiness than before. And I finally got able to be myself and found a spouse who can talk math with me and gets me in a way I was too blind to conceptualize as a young adult.
  - lelanthran 2y ago
    > I had to rescale my idea of happiness. Maybe by a factor of 1024 or more. Tell me you're a programmer without telling me you're a programmer :-)
    - nuancebydefault 2y ago
      He wanted to write 10 x, but then realized a bit shift of 10 places would be a better estimate.
  - treis 2y ago
    This is one of those areas where money can solve your problem. It's a lot harder to rebuild if you're not making good money. Especially for those who are on the hook for alimony & child support.
lanstin 2y ago
In my case it took a few decades to plumb utterly the idea that perfecting myself, or trying extremely hard to do so, would not make a bad relationship good. It was a hard lesson for me but I learned it in every cell of my system. Not that I am against being flexible, but some people need life to really beat that lesson into them.
- nuancebydefault 2y ago
  Well, you did not realize that the relationship-choice-of-person itself was the problem, until that pattern got broken.

by bckr 2y ago

harimau777 2y ago

At least in relationships that's not the case. Unless you are naturally extroverted or charismatic, if you mess up and haven't figured things out by the time you are in your 30s then you may as well give up. American society just isn't built for finding love outside of school/college.

Remnant44 2y ago
That's a pretty strong claim to make completely unsupported by evidence. In fact, I think you'll find more people than ever before are settling down in their 30s and starting families, etc.
- lelanthran 2y ago
  >> if you mess up and haven't figured things out by the time you are in your 30s > In fact, I think you'll find more people than ever before are settling down in their 30s and starting families, etc. I did not interpret GP post to mean "If you haven't settled down and started a family by 30, you may as well give up". I interpreted it more as "If you haven't made a decent sized social network, or haven't figured out how to approach strangers, or haven't been in a committed/long-term/love/etc relationship, or didn't socialise enough to develop socialisation skills, etc... THEN you may as well give up!" I think the GP's point is that those people who are settling down in their 30s and starting families, well, they didn't mess up, and figured things out before age 30. Maybe he'll clarify, but I agree with my interpretation: if you haven't figured out romantic relationships by age 30, you may as well give up, because post-30 it's exceedingly difficult to find an environment with lots of socialising with peers. Almost impossible, in fact, because, as you said, most people are already out of that scene anyway...
  - mlrtime 2y ago
    This is a incel mindset and very toxic. In reality this isn't black/white, but a spectrum. Some may have a harder time than others, but giving up is reductionary and depressing and leads nowhere.
    - lelanthran 2y ago
      > This is a incel mindset and very toxic. Is it really necessary to both slip in an insult and try to shame opposing ideas into silence before stating your point?
  - coolThingsFirst 2y ago
    Obviously it is in the West in tech circles where everyone is introverted and they work 14 hour days. The protestant work ethic has decimated society and all that matters.
  - Remnant44 2y ago
    I also disagree strongly with that. I live in Seattle (a city well known for being not social and welcoming - aka the seattle freeze), and didn't recover from being a shy introvert until around 30. The skills and mindset for human connection was hard for sure, but I found many pockets of really welcoming social environments around shared interests. My personal interests run to the outdoors, so for me it was hiking/biking/mountaineering/run clubs. However, groups and clubs around shared activities exist for almost any interest, and the whole point of them is to socialize and meet people! It DOES take some effort and discomfort, but it's not even close to "almost impossible".
lanstin 2y ago
I had a dreadful marriage that ended in my forties and am now ten years into a relationship where I am so persistently happy I had to rescale my idea of happiness. Maybe by a factor of 1024 or more. I have step kids and my kids have a step mom but they all have been exposed to more happiness than before. And I finally got able to be myself and found a spouse who can talk math with me and gets me in a way I was too blind to conceptualize as a young adult.
- lelanthran 2y ago
  > I had to rescale my idea of happiness. Maybe by a factor of 1024 or more. Tell me you're a programmer without telling me you're a programmer :-)
  - nuancebydefault 2y ago
    He wanted to write 10 x, but then realized a bit shift of 10 places would be a better estimate.
- treis 2y ago
  This is one of those areas where money can solve your problem. It's a lot harder to rebuild if you're not making good money. Especially for those who are on the hook for alimony & child support.

lanstin 2y ago

In my case it took a few decades to plumb utterly the idea that perfecting myself, or trying extremely hard to do so, would not make a bad relationship good. It was a hard lesson for me but I learned it in every cell of my system. Not that I am against being flexible, but some people need life to really beat that lesson into them.

nuancebydefault 2y ago
Well, you did not realize that the relationship-choice-of-person itself was the problem, until that pattern got broken.