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> I also don't see what is insulting about making a sincere attempt to help, whether it ends up being helpful or not. It's the equivalent of people wanting to
by kayodelycaon 2y ago
> I also don't see what is insulting about making a sincere attempt to help, whether it ends up being helpful or not.
It's the equivalent of people wanting to escort you across a road without getting run over. They don't think you're capable of understanding the risks of crossing a road.
Or giving someone in a wheelchair tips on how to walk normally.
Or your completely tech illiterate grandparent telling you how to write code. (Yes, this has happened to me.)
A lot of people I've dealt with have no interest understanding the problem. They just want to do the easy thing that feels good to them. When what they expect doesn't happen, they feel bad and expect me to make them feel better.
Similarly, this pattern always happens around food. It's not uncommon I can't eat any of the food at a social event. I'm used to that and I'm not bothered by it. But everyone else feels bad for me and decides to tell me so. No matter how much I say I'm fine, they keep apologizing because they feel guilty. Of course, I can't tell them to stop making their feelings my problem.
- lostlogin 2y ago> It's not uncommon I can't eat any of the food at a social event. I'm used to that and I'm not bothered by it. But everyone else feels bad for me and decides to tell me so. Being vegetarian seems to generate this problem.
- headstorm 2y agoI think that celiac disease diagnosis is far more limiting than being vegetarian for social events, based on my experience.
- PopAlongKid 2y agoI don't consider any of your extreme examples as "a sincere attempt to help". Maybe I should rephrase it as "sincere, reasonable attempt to help". I guess there is also a distinction to be made between problems to be solved, and currently acceptable, non-problematic situations where you receive unsolicited advice on how to improve it.
- kayodelycaon 2y agoThe problem with unsolicited advice is: 1. I didn't ask for it. 2. They didn't bother to understand the problem. 3. Now I am socially obligated to talk to them. 4. I have stop everything I'm thinking about to figure out how to respond to them in a way that doesn't make them feel bad. This seems grossly unfair to me. Social norms that don't come naturally to me. They are allowed say anything they want and I'm not allowed to reject it.
- lazide 2y agoYou could also go the ‘autistic’ route - Frown, and walk away while they’re talking. Or Deeply analyze why they’re wrong and they know it. In front of them, where they can hear you do it. You’ll get hate, but what else is new? You could also just lie, say ‘oh that’s good advice’ and then ignore it like most normal people. Or, figure out what painful personal failure they are trying to warn you about from their side, with no real solution they’ve been able to figure out. And see if there is some lesson you can learn from it. Wait, am I giving unsolicited advice now?
- kayodelycaon 2y agoI would like to point you to #2. :) I understand what neurotypical people feel but I am unable to predict it without logical analysis. Thus, I fully understand social norms but I am not capable of following them in realtime. Absolutely none of your unsolicited advice is even remotely useful to me because my current strategy of building logic trees and memorizing appropriate responses is far superior to anything you suggest. :P
- lazide 2y agoAnd yet.... You're not happy, because you're here complaining about it. So perhaps it isn't as superior as you want to believe? QED. (As someone who does the same sometimes, like apparently right now. Sorry.)
- 2y ago