The Onion's been covering the competitive circuit since 1996, when trash talk was all the rage in prayer playoffs: > LHASA, TIBET—Employing the brash style tha

The Onion's been covering the competitive circuit since 1996, when trash talk was all the rage in prayer playoffs: > LHASA, TIBET—Employing the brash style that first brought him to prominence, Sri Dhananjai Bikram won the fifth annual International Yogi Competition yesterday with a world-record point total of 873.6. “I am the serenest!” Bikram shouted to the estimated crowd of 20,000 yoga fans, vigorously pumping his fists. “No one is serener than Sri Dhananjai Bikram—I am the greatest monk of all time!” Sri Dhananjai Bikram walked away with the World Yoga Championship after averaging 1.89 breaths per minute for two straight hours. "I'm blissful! You blissful?! I'm blissful!" he screamed repeatedly to the other yogis.