4 ms·

There are other times and places for criticizing the dead, either before or a bit after the person's passing. Not immediately after, and not where the grieving

by neilv 3y ago

There are other times and places for criticizing the dead, either before or a bit after the person's passing. Not immediately after, and not where the grieving will congregate. Obituaries can complicate that when they purport to be a biographical summary (such as for public figures), rather than a traditional formal announcement of memorial services with some kind words thrown in. I hope to live long enough to say "Good riddance!" about the passings of multiple people who did bad things, but I'd do it privately, not be a jerk to the grieving.

pxc 3y ago
There's a lot of space between passing over abuse in silence and being a jerk to others who are grieving. Mere mention of estrangement or complicated relationships is hardly shitting on someone. The bereaved have the right to grieve authentically, even if that means doing justice to a history that involves trauma and conflict. That's part of what collective grieving rituals are for and should be for. There are limits but I don't think there's a universal prescription, or that it's fair to draw a line at, e.g., mere mention of estrangement.
- neilv 3y ago
  Good point. I wasn't thinking of enough scenarios.
arp242 3y ago
There's an old Soviet joke: A man goes to a newspaper stand every day, buys a copy of Pravda, glances at the front cover, curses, and throws it away. After a few weeks of this the seller just has to ask what's going on: "why do you always look at the cover but never inside?" "I'm looking for an obituary." "An obituary? But those are in the back!" "Oh no, the obituary I'm looking for will be on the front page."
- pkphilip 3y ago
  :) interesting and funny at the same time
- jzb 3y ago
  This reminds me of my first job in radio. I worked weekend mornings 6-12. The station had started with a "beautiful music" format, then recently had switched to adult contemporary. They retained a lot of the old advertisers: funeral homes. They sponsored two regularly scheduled readings of funeral notices at 7 and 11:45. Basically, radio obituaries. One woman didn't like the format, so she'd tune in exactly at 11:45. If we ran them early for some reason, she'd call and demand we read them to her. This happened about twice a month. Sometimes I got the call, sometimes it was the guy who came in after me. Always the same voice. We called her the funeral lady. One morning the other guy had enough and I heard him taking to her, "look, lady, is there someone in particular you're hoping is going to die? Just give me a name and we'll call you when they're dead."
  - Aloha 3y ago
    Man, I miss beautiful music being a viable radio format. It makes such great background music.
    - jzb 3y ago
      The Funeral Lady would agree with you. Well, if she's still around. This was 30 years ago, and I would have guessed the owner of the voice on the other side of the phone was already north of 80. I've no beef with the genre but I think it would've been really boring to DJ.
      - Aloha 3y ago
        I'd imagine it was mostly just watching the automation systems run, and waiting to talk. I might be biased - but the tail end of the beautiful music era was probably a high point for FM Broadcast audio quality - it was the last point before the emphasis towards loudness started.
  - 9659 3y ago
    "The Obituary Show" was probably a big money maker. Sponsored by a funeral home, I expect. Great place to be heard by your future customers.
- verisimi 3y ago
  That guy wasted a lot of money, cos looking at the front page is free! (Sorry)
lynx23 3y ago
There are people who are so manipulative and full of hatred that they actually have nobody who is willing to truly grief about their death. My grandma was such a person. I really remember nobody who was fond of her. To the contrary, most people were content that she was finally gone. So please, don't tell others how they are supposed to deal with their peers.
- deleted 3y ago
  [deleted]
- j16sdiz 3y ago
  Let's think it in this way. If the person is universally hatred, nobody would pay for his/her online obituary comment system's moderation
  - toss1 3y ago
    No. Even in the worst of those situations, some people will pay for the formalities for any of a variety of reasons.
    - red-iron-pine 3y ago
      Wills often include instructions for funerals, and expenses to be put to things like Obits, flowers, and other accruements. Funeral is the last chance to say 'fuck you' to the haters

by neilv 3y ago

pxc 3y ago

There's a lot of space between passing over abuse in silence and being a jerk to others who are grieving. Mere mention of estrangement or complicated relationships is hardly shitting on someone. The bereaved have the right to grieve authentically, even if that means doing justice to a history that involves trauma and conflict. That's part of what collective grieving rituals are for and should be for. There are limits but I don't think there's a universal prescription, or that it's fair to draw a line at, e.g., mere mention of estrangement.

neilv 3y ago
Good point. I wasn't thinking of enough scenarios.

arp242 3y ago

There's an old Soviet joke: A man goes to a newspaper stand every day, buys a copy of Pravda, glances at the front cover, curses, and throws it away. After a few weeks of this the seller just has to ask what's going on: "why do you always look at the cover but never inside?" "I'm looking for an obituary." "An obituary? But those are in the back!" "Oh no, the obituary I'm looking for will be on the front page."

pkphilip 3y ago
:) interesting and funny at the same time
jzb 3y ago
This reminds me of my first job in radio. I worked weekend mornings 6-12. The station had started with a "beautiful music" format, then recently had switched to adult contemporary. They retained a lot of the old advertisers: funeral homes. They sponsored two regularly scheduled readings of funeral notices at 7 and 11:45. Basically, radio obituaries. One woman didn't like the format, so she'd tune in exactly at 11:45. If we ran them early for some reason, she'd call and demand we read them to her. This happened about twice a month. Sometimes I got the call, sometimes it was the guy who came in after me. Always the same voice. We called her the funeral lady. One morning the other guy had enough and I heard him taking to her, "look, lady, is there someone in particular you're hoping is going to die? Just give me a name and we'll call you when they're dead."
- Aloha 3y ago
  Man, I miss beautiful music being a viable radio format. It makes such great background music.
  - jzb 3y ago
    The Funeral Lady would agree with you. Well, if she's still around. This was 30 years ago, and I would have guessed the owner of the voice on the other side of the phone was already north of 80. I've no beef with the genre but I think it would've been really boring to DJ.
    - Aloha 3y ago
      I'd imagine it was mostly just watching the automation systems run, and waiting to talk. I might be biased - but the tail end of the beautiful music era was probably a high point for FM Broadcast audio quality - it was the last point before the emphasis towards loudness started.
- 9659 3y ago
  "The Obituary Show" was probably a big money maker. Sponsored by a funeral home, I expect. Great place to be heard by your future customers.
verisimi 3y ago
That guy wasted a lot of money, cos looking at the front page is free! (Sorry)

lynx23 3y ago

There are people who are so manipulative and full of hatred that they actually have nobody who is willing to truly grief about their death. My grandma was such a person. I really remember nobody who was fond of her. To the contrary, most people were content that she was finally gone. So please, don't tell others how they are supposed to deal with their peers.

deleted 3y ago
[deleted]
j16sdiz 3y ago
Let's think it in this way. If the person is universally hatred, nobody would pay for his/her online obituary comment system's moderation
- toss1 3y ago
  No. Even in the worst of those situations, some people will pay for the formalities for any of a variety of reasons.
  - red-iron-pine 3y ago
    Wills often include instructions for funerals, and expenses to be put to things like Obits, flowers, and other accruements. Funeral is the last chance to say 'fuck you' to the haters