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> In order to listen to fix first you must understand... You're missing the point - it's about whether you should "listen to fix" at all. In my experience, whe

by squigz 3y ago

> In order to listen to fix first you must understand... You're missing the point - it's about whether you should "listen to fix" at all. In my experience, when most people are "sharing", they don't want you to solve their problems - chances are they know everything you're about to say anyway - and if they did, they'll more specifically ask for your help What people want is just someone to listen, to feel heard. This relates to the oft-repeated advice of not trying to solve your partner's daily problems, but just to respond with "That sucks". It's also why responding with your own experiences all the time doesn't make you a great listener > which does not help except to make that person feel better at that very moment and nothing else. Not sure why you're implying this is some sort of bad thing.

germandiago 3y ago
True, they might know, but a push is probably what they need. Listening is disjoint from giving advice. In fact you need to first listen to be able to give advice. And yes, some people just want to be listened. I am not against it as such I usually talk actionable stuff more than not actually but I understand that some people might not be like me. Yes, my last quote there means that making someone feel just better for a moment while keeping something for which there could be something about is probably suboptimal. Idk if bad, just suboptimal. The honest feedback in a conversation is critical to solve our own problems. Sometimes I found out things noone would have ever told me by people that really appreciate me and that is a good thing that improves me, not a bad thing that should make me angry or annoyed. I have the feeling that we are doing something wrong with this kind of advice. The generation that comes 20 years after me or 30 (I am 40) are mentally way softer than before and I think this kind of behavior promoted by the article promotes this kind of feedback. The biggest difference I have seen compared to Europe from living in Vietnam (for 12 years) is that they have a much stronger mind. They have better and worse things, as every culture. But I relate this kind of advice as a fundamental mistake. We need positive listening, we need things like that, sure. But we also need to deal with frustration, with failure and with negative feedback. Those things teach us to deal with fristration, to naturalize it and to be able to deal with it as well. So my advice would be more, without being a therapist, train your kids as Toni Nadal trained Rafa Nadal. Hard minds are ready for good and bad times. Soft minds only for the good ones. So I would be wary of promoting that kind of "everything's cool let's be positive never mind". I'd rather promote "be careful, this is the problem, can we deal with it?" If so, how? If not, we cannot win all the time which is also a lesson that humbles us.
- squigz 3y ago
  In my experience, the younger generations deal with their problems a lot more productively than the older generations.
  - germandiago 3y ago
    Not with the emotional or tolerance (tied to emotional) ones at least in my country. I also see, if you are american, at least from my perception (I could be wrong!), that many attitudes from the younger generations are the result of overprotection. Something I do not see in Asia to the level I see in developed countries in the westerner countries.

by squigz 3y ago

germandiago 3y ago

True, they might know, but a push is probably what they need. Listening is disjoint from giving advice. In fact you need to first listen to be able to give advice. And yes, some people just want to be listened. I am not against it as such I usually talk actionable stuff more than not actually but I understand that some people might not be like me. Yes, my last quote there means that making someone feel just better for a moment while keeping something for which there could be something about is probably suboptimal. Idk if bad, just suboptimal. The honest feedback in a conversation is critical to solve our own problems. Sometimes I found out things noone would have ever told me by people that really appreciate me and that is a good thing that improves me, not a bad thing that should make me angry or annoyed. I have the feeling that we are doing something wrong with this kind of advice. The generation that comes 20 years after me or 30 (I am 40) are mentally way softer than before and I think this kind of behavior promoted by the article promotes this kind of feedback. The biggest difference I have seen compared to Europe from living in Vietnam (for 12 years) is that they have a much stronger mind. They have better and worse things, as every culture. But I relate this kind of advice as a fundamental mistake. We need positive listening, we need things like that, sure. But we also need to deal with frustration, with failure and with negative feedback. Those things teach us to deal with fristration, to naturalize it and to be able to deal with it as well. So my advice would be more, without being a therapist, train your kids as Toni Nadal trained Rafa Nadal. Hard minds are ready for good and bad times. Soft minds only for the good ones. So I would be wary of promoting that kind of "everything's cool let's be positive never mind". I'd rather promote "be careful, this is the problem, can we deal with it?" If so, how? If not, we cannot win all the time which is also a lesson that humbles us.

squigz 3y ago
In my experience, the younger generations deal with their problems a lot more productively than the older generations.
- germandiago 3y ago
  Not with the emotional or tolerance (tied to emotional) ones at least in my country. I also see, if you are american, at least from my perception (I could be wrong!), that many attitudes from the younger generations are the result of overprotection. Something I do not see in Asia to the level I see in developed countries in the westerner countries.