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They probably will freely admit to their close non-judgemental female friends that they’re only on Tinder for hooking up / having sex with hot guys (aka Chads).

They probably will freely admit to their close non-judgemental female friends that they’re only on Tinder for hooking up / having sex with hot guys (aka Chads). > Would they say the same to their parents? A random cop? Co-workers? Most women would not say this openly, since there’s a lot of judgement about this. But their actual behavior paints a very different picture / story. Millions of modern educated women seem to be engaging in casual sex with a relatively small number of highly-attractive-looking hyper-sexual men (who probably sleep with someone every night “spinning plates” so to speak). Meanwhile, millions of other men are relegated to being involuntarily celibate. We’re talking men who are software engineers in the Bay Area who are earning circa $300k with interesting passions and hobbies but can’t find a single woman, due to monopolization of “sexually liberated” women by so-called Chad men (who have virtual harems as a result) and the consequent smaller dating pool of women.

verall 3y ago
I can't tell if you're like an archeologist of incel culture or a card-carrying member. If someone makes $300k/yr and can't find a date they have other issues and/or need to move out of the bay.
- winter_blue 3y ago
  First off, it’s pretty easy to make $300k as a software engineer in the Bay Area. You just have to good. You don’t have to be amazing or excellent. Even an L5 SWE at Google earns well above that. Second, yes, there certainly are many men who are struggling. I even know a CTO of a startup that has gone through YC, raised over a million in funding, who’s in his mid 30s, and he still has his V card. Then there men who are pretty low income who do odd jobs like wait tables, but are good looking, and they pretty much get laid like it’s raining women (just for them, to be clear). I personally know a guy like that, and he’s dating multiple women simultaneously, and these women literally pay for his dinners and other things. These include a woman who’s a product manager making good money, a woman who’s got a bootstrapped startup with an ARR of over half a million USD a year, etc. He’s not officially in a relationship with any of them, but in informal situationships (and they’re not aware he’s dating other women either), and he rotates between them through the course of the week. If you’ve ever seen a graph distribution of likes on dating apps, you’lll know what I’m talking about. About 80% of men get very little attention, whereas the top 20% and especially the top 5% live like one of the Sultans of the Ottoman Empire, with women ready to deliver themselves to their door for intimacy. It’s some pretty insane, dark, and depressing stuff to think about. A lot of these men would make good fathers and good husbands. They also earn high incomes, so they would be able to provide an upper middle class life for their family if they had one as well. But the so-called “Chad cock carousel” has taken such a sheer number of women out of marriage and dating market, that millions of amazing men are left single, sexless, and unable to marry, and have children and start a family, etc. This stuff cuts across racial boundaries, although non-white seem to have it extremely hard. Not that white guys have it easy. I also know a white/WASPy software engineer who’s a nerdy gamer guy (with his ancestors having moved to North America in the 1600s) and he struggled a lot with dating and women as well, but he eventually got married to a Chinese-American woman, and has had kids with them, and I can attest that he’s a great father. These are the sorts of high quality men that many of these sexually-liberated women claim they want, but then in the real dating market, we see a situation play out where where a small number of good-looking (“Chad”) men (many who are low income or professionally-unsuccessful) end up having harems of 3 to 5 women, hence massively shrinking the number of women available. Why would women do this, rather that have a deep loving relationship with a man who can give her 100% of himself to her (and build a family with that guy)? I have no idea. It certainly isn’t a good thing. We see the results manifest in a massive drop in the fertility rate, a massive increase in the number of men who are single, sexless celibate (but who would want to start a family and have a loving marriage with a woman, and who likely would like be good fathers as well). Many incels just want a wife. They don’t want to sleep with double digit women or anything. Many of these men would be happy with 1 single woman who loves them to commit to living their life with, and building a family with them. But then you’ve got millions of these women who priories the dopamine or serotonin (or oxytocin or whatever) hit of sleeping with various Chads, and the end result is the breakdown of families, and the future of civil society. It’s a sad state of affairs. That’s all I can say.
  - hilux 3y ago
    [I'm a guy.] Super interesting comment, particularly your insight that these "Chads" are removing women from the dating market for other guys. This assumes that the women are naively monogamous, which may be true for some women. I know it's not true for all women in the Bay Area. Is the overall situation "sad"? It is what it is. If, as you point out, men succeed based on their dating skills, rather than (only) the value of their RSUs, I think that's fair. As for the women, I've always liked the idea of revealed preference, i.e. learn what people want by observing their choices, rather than by what they say they want.
  - robocat 3y ago
    I am not in the US market, but your comments reflect more on your identified biases than statistical reality. You appear to be obsessed with a very unhealthy subculture focused on Chads and sex: perhaps you need to avoid whatever cesspit that is infecting your mind. Avoiding subcultures that damage you is a general skill that requires effort and practice. My personal current danger is alcohol and pubs. Statistics show that men with lots of sexual partners are often having sex with women that have lots of partners. I suspect you would especially find that in self-selecting markets like Tinder. > hence massively shrinking the number of women available. That is just irrational thinking - even though popular with some subcultures. There are plenty of women out there - you must notice that even in your own experience - it is unavoidably obvious. If you are a nice guy that wants a family, then change your selection criteria until you find someone worthwhile living a long time with. My guess is you have unreasonable criteria - wanting 10s (similar to your projected accusations against women). Teaching oneself to be less judgemental is very very worthwhile. If you wished to catch Chad-chasers then it is achievable to become a Chad: there's lots of resources about that. Beware: it doesn't appear to be a very satisfying lifestyle for the people I know that are into it. I'm middle-aged so I also see some of the longer term outcomes. The men I know that have the most multiple sexual partners are ugly or average - their strategies depend on other factors than their looks. Not having Chadian good looks is just a pathetic excuse. Most importantly: having negative beliefs about women as a group is incredibly destructive. Every person is unique - treating women like stereotypes is unhealthy. Noticeably you are complaining about stereotypes of men. Anyone can find a partner. The first step is learning how to be a good partner. Teaching yourself positive traits is hard. Avoiding negative traits is harder. I do it by have having female friends and encouraging them to train me not to be a dick. Listening to criticism is hard, not attacking back is hard, then making the effort to change behaviour is a lifelong struggle. And it definitely isn't about being a nice doormat (although I admit I try to be too nice - making the world a better place is somewhat submissive - but mostly cooperative).
giantg2 3y ago
"Meanwhile, millions of other men are relegated to being involuntarily celibate." In my experience, this is mostly a problem in mismatched expectations vs self perception. There are plenty of lower tier (no offense meant) women that the "chads" wouldn't bother with to go with the lower tier men. Plus you're talking just about casual sex and nothing to do with 1-to-1 marriage, for which your mention of high-income incels should fair well due to their potential to support a family. Unless there are some serious other problems with behavior, personality, unrealistic expectations, etc.
- lazide 3y ago
  In my experience, like incel women, it's an inability to accept a deep internal wound related to women/reality due to prior bad experiences, poor coping behavior, etc. There is almost always a degree of PTSD involved. Women incels tend to do the same blame game/projection as male incels (and there are a lot of both), but it looks different - less violence/outright language attacks, more avoidance altogether and subtle manipulation.
williamdclt 3y ago
As my comment is the grandparent to this one, for my own sense of integrity I have to make it clear that this is very far from what I’m talking about. And fwiw I believe this is a lot of BS, it’s literally the incel narrative. I’m not going to go into “why are incels wrong”, there’s enough to read about that on the internet.

verall 3y ago

I can't tell if you're like an archeologist of incel culture or a card-carrying member. If someone makes $300k/yr and can't find a date they have other issues and/or need to move out of the bay.

winter_blue 3y ago
First off, it’s pretty easy to make $300k as a software engineer in the Bay Area. You just have to good. You don’t have to be amazing or excellent. Even an L5 SWE at Google earns well above that. Second, yes, there certainly are many men who are struggling. I even know a CTO of a startup that has gone through YC, raised over a million in funding, who’s in his mid 30s, and he still has his V card. Then there men who are pretty low income who do odd jobs like wait tables, but are good looking, and they pretty much get laid like it’s raining women (just for them, to be clear). I personally know a guy like that, and he’s dating multiple women simultaneously, and these women literally pay for his dinners and other things. These include a woman who’s a product manager making good money, a woman who’s got a bootstrapped startup with an ARR of over half a million USD a year, etc. He’s not officially in a relationship with any of them, but in informal situationships (and they’re not aware he’s dating other women either), and he rotates between them through the course of the week. If you’ve ever seen a graph distribution of likes on dating apps, you’lll know what I’m talking about. About 80% of men get very little attention, whereas the top 20% and especially the top 5% live like one of the Sultans of the Ottoman Empire, with women ready to deliver themselves to their door for intimacy. It’s some pretty insane, dark, and depressing stuff to think about. A lot of these men would make good fathers and good husbands. They also earn high incomes, so they would be able to provide an upper middle class life for their family if they had one as well. But the so-called “Chad cock carousel” has taken such a sheer number of women out of marriage and dating market, that millions of amazing men are left single, sexless, and unable to marry, and have children and start a family, etc. This stuff cuts across racial boundaries, although non-white seem to have it extremely hard. Not that white guys have it easy. I also know a white/WASPy software engineer who’s a nerdy gamer guy (with his ancestors having moved to North America in the 1600s) and he struggled a lot with dating and women as well, but he eventually got married to a Chinese-American woman, and has had kids with them, and I can attest that he’s a great father. These are the sorts of high quality men that many of these sexually-liberated women claim they want, but then in the real dating market, we see a situation play out where where a small number of good-looking (“Chad”) men (many who are low income or professionally-unsuccessful) end up having harems of 3 to 5 women, hence massively shrinking the number of women available. Why would women do this, rather that have a deep loving relationship with a man who can give her 100% of himself to her (and build a family with that guy)? I have no idea. It certainly isn’t a good thing. We see the results manifest in a massive drop in the fertility rate, a massive increase in the number of men who are single, sexless celibate (but who would want to start a family and have a loving marriage with a woman, and who likely would like be good fathers as well). Many incels just want a wife. They don’t want to sleep with double digit women or anything. Many of these men would be happy with 1 single woman who loves them to commit to living their life with, and building a family with them. But then you’ve got millions of these women who priories the dopamine or serotonin (or oxytocin or whatever) hit of sleeping with various Chads, and the end result is the breakdown of families, and the future of civil society. It’s a sad state of affairs. That’s all I can say.
- hilux 3y ago
  [I'm a guy.] Super interesting comment, particularly your insight that these "Chads" are removing women from the dating market for other guys. This assumes that the women are naively monogamous, which may be true for some women. I know it's not true for all women in the Bay Area. Is the overall situation "sad"? It is what it is. If, as you point out, men succeed based on their dating skills, rather than (only) the value of their RSUs, I think that's fair. As for the women, I've always liked the idea of revealed preference, i.e. learn what people want by observing their choices, rather than by what they say they want.
- robocat 3y ago
  I am not in the US market, but your comments reflect more on your identified biases than statistical reality. You appear to be obsessed with a very unhealthy subculture focused on Chads and sex: perhaps you need to avoid whatever cesspit that is infecting your mind. Avoiding subcultures that damage you is a general skill that requires effort and practice. My personal current danger is alcohol and pubs. Statistics show that men with lots of sexual partners are often having sex with women that have lots of partners. I suspect you would especially find that in self-selecting markets like Tinder. > hence massively shrinking the number of women available. That is just irrational thinking - even though popular with some subcultures. There are plenty of women out there - you must notice that even in your own experience - it is unavoidably obvious. If you are a nice guy that wants a family, then change your selection criteria until you find someone worthwhile living a long time with. My guess is you have unreasonable criteria - wanting 10s (similar to your projected accusations against women). Teaching oneself to be less judgemental is very very worthwhile. If you wished to catch Chad-chasers then it is achievable to become a Chad: there's lots of resources about that. Beware: it doesn't appear to be a very satisfying lifestyle for the people I know that are into it. I'm middle-aged so I also see some of the longer term outcomes. The men I know that have the most multiple sexual partners are ugly or average - their strategies depend on other factors than their looks. Not having Chadian good looks is just a pathetic excuse. Most importantly: having negative beliefs about women as a group is incredibly destructive. Every person is unique - treating women like stereotypes is unhealthy. Noticeably you are complaining about stereotypes of men. Anyone can find a partner. The first step is learning how to be a good partner. Teaching yourself positive traits is hard. Avoiding negative traits is harder. I do it by have having female friends and encouraging them to train me not to be a dick. Listening to criticism is hard, not attacking back is hard, then making the effort to change behaviour is a lifelong struggle. And it definitely isn't about being a nice doormat (although I admit I try to be too nice - making the world a better place is somewhat submissive - but mostly cooperative).

giantg2 3y ago

"Meanwhile, millions of other men are relegated to being involuntarily celibate." In my experience, this is mostly a problem in mismatched expectations vs self perception. There are plenty of lower tier (no offense meant) women that the "chads" wouldn't bother with to go with the lower tier men. Plus you're talking just about casual sex and nothing to do with 1-to-1 marriage, for which your mention of high-income incels should fair well due to their potential to support a family. Unless there are some serious other problems with behavior, personality, unrealistic expectations, etc.

lazide 3y ago
In my experience, like incel women, it's an inability to accept a deep internal wound related to women/reality due to prior bad experiences, poor coping behavior, etc. There is almost always a degree of PTSD involved. Women incels tend to do the same blame game/projection as male incels (and there are a lot of both), but it looks different - less violence/outright language attacks, more avoidance altogether and subtle manipulation.

williamdclt 3y ago

As my comment is the grandparent to this one, for my own sense of integrity I have to make it clear that this is very far from what I’m talking about. And fwiw I believe this is a lot of BS, it’s literally the incel narrative. I’m not going to go into “why are incels wrong”, there’s enough to read about that on the internet.