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I feel like this is a common misconception about having kids, that your life somehow ends, and you have to give up everything you care about in favor of them. W

by ericd 3y ago

I feel like this is a common misconception about having kids, that your life somehow ends, and you have to give up everything you care about in favor of them. We’ve been traveling with our kids since the first was 4 months old, and it’s been great fun introducing them to our hobbies, and doing them with them. Seeing them pick this stuff up and in some ways surpass us is incredibly gratifying.

nunez 3y ago
i'm not a parent, but from observing the parents i know, i think you're incredibly lucky to be able to travel with your child and have it not be a burden. the norm seems to be "add an hour and hundreds of dollars for every activity you do with kids, and add unbounded levels of stress if you're the mom"
- ericd 3y ago
  We’re certainly very lucky in many ways, but besides the financial aspect, a lot of it is just practicing it with the kids and getting them used to it, which is the case with many other things in their lives, and part of it is changing our own expectations about traveling. We go a lot slower than we used to, with more and longer stops on road trips, and give ourselves a lot more time/wiggle room at each place. If we need to drive 9 hours, we might break that into three days, and visit places that are about 3 hours apart. If we fly somewhere and it’s long, we try to go to immediately go to a hotel as close as possible to the airport so that we can all conk out if we need to. When we’re not stressed about timetables, it’s much easier for us all to have a good time. We don’t spend so much of our time at the destination, but that’s fine, there’s lots of cool stuff to see on the way, generally. We keep our schedule at the destination similarly sparse. Also, we take turns with everything, it’s not on mom. Don’t know how she’d handle that on her own. It takes work and energy, and we do some things differently than we used to, we’ve had to relearn some things, but it’s not putting the fun parts of life on pause for 10 years. You adapt, and still have a lot of fun, and you get to see these little people learn and grow, which is amazing. Ours are in a pun-making phase, which is hilarious and terrible.
  - nunez 3y ago
    > We’re certainly very lucky in many ways, but besides the financial aspect, Your observations are valid, but you can't just sidestep the financial aspect of it, my dude. This is, like, 70% of the hardship of having kids from what I've found. Like this: > If we need to drive 9 hours, we might break that into three days, and visit places that are about 3 hours apart. If we fly somewhere and it’s long, we try to go to immediately go to a hotel as close as possible to the airport so that we can all conk out if we need to. Is straight up not possible for a family of 3 or more with a total household income of less than $150k in the US. On-premise airport hotels that aren't complete chaos are usually $200/night and many people in the US get hardly any vacation time (which is a whole other problem in its own right).
silverquiet 3y ago
If one of your kids required extensive medical care for some reason or other, would it put a cramp in your lifestyle?
- ericd 3y ago
  I’m sure, but that’s true of one of us requiring extensive medical care, too. Living is risky.
  - silverquiet 3y ago
    I'm quite aware of the risk; I have a rare childhood disorder that will likely require ever more medical care as I age. Trying to keep my own ass covered by medical insurance is enough challenge for me.
    - ericd 3y ago
      Sorry you’ve had to go through that. But rare childhood disorders are rare, right? Most kids are healthy, so most parents don’t have to cover that. Many people seem to think that having kids means an end to their having fun, my point is that that’s not a given. It’s not to say that everyone is in a good position to have kids.
      - silverquiet 3y ago
        Mine is indeed quite rare; I'd put money on you never having heard of it because the average doctor barely has. The thing is I know tons of people with some rare condition or other; collectively it seems rare conditions are common. I've personally seen some truly heinous conditions affect children; far worse than what I went through. Certainly there are no givens, to borrow another's HN comment - kids are like a reverse lottery ticket. > It’s not to say that everyone is in a good position to have kids. Yes, I'd say that it's up to each individual to determine that, and it seems that more and more are deciding that they are not.
Pamar 3y ago
yes, but I do not think this is something that people really discusses rationally, either. I.e. I doubt that couples who decide to go childless sit down and say "listen, if we have children our current life is over, just look at Jack and Laura - they disappeared from the Lindy classes and had to cancel their spa subscription". It is probably both a subconscious thing that - along with other factors - will make you postpone the decision until it is either too late, or your spouse somehow puts you in front of an ultimatum. As I said in another message I have living proof that things can work out fine among relatives and friends both, so I am sure that it could be done. Neither me nor my MSO (Most Significant Other) were really into the idea of having children though, so we passed.
jeffrallen 3y ago
It's not a misconception if you choose your family style to be "prioritize time with kids and follow their interests". To implement that in our family meant adjusting our budget to allow one parent to stay at home. Adjusting our budget like that had consequences on our previous hobbies of travels, etc. C'est la vie, and la vie est belle.

by ericd 3y ago

nunez 3y ago

i'm not a parent, but from observing the parents i know, i think you're incredibly lucky to be able to travel with your child and have it not be a burden. the norm seems to be "add an hour and hundreds of dollars for every activity you do with kids, and add unbounded levels of stress if you're the mom"

ericd 3y ago
We’re certainly very lucky in many ways, but besides the financial aspect, a lot of it is just practicing it with the kids and getting them used to it, which is the case with many other things in their lives, and part of it is changing our own expectations about traveling. We go a lot slower than we used to, with more and longer stops on road trips, and give ourselves a lot more time/wiggle room at each place. If we need to drive 9 hours, we might break that into three days, and visit places that are about 3 hours apart. If we fly somewhere and it’s long, we try to go to immediately go to a hotel as close as possible to the airport so that we can all conk out if we need to. When we’re not stressed about timetables, it’s much easier for us all to have a good time. We don’t spend so much of our time at the destination, but that’s fine, there’s lots of cool stuff to see on the way, generally. We keep our schedule at the destination similarly sparse. Also, we take turns with everything, it’s not on mom. Don’t know how she’d handle that on her own. It takes work and energy, and we do some things differently than we used to, we’ve had to relearn some things, but it’s not putting the fun parts of life on pause for 10 years. You adapt, and still have a lot of fun, and you get to see these little people learn and grow, which is amazing. Ours are in a pun-making phase, which is hilarious and terrible.
- nunez 3y ago
  > We’re certainly very lucky in many ways, but besides the financial aspect, Your observations are valid, but you can't just sidestep the financial aspect of it, my dude. This is, like, 70% of the hardship of having kids from what I've found. Like this: > If we need to drive 9 hours, we might break that into three days, and visit places that are about 3 hours apart. If we fly somewhere and it’s long, we try to go to immediately go to a hotel as close as possible to the airport so that we can all conk out if we need to. Is straight up not possible for a family of 3 or more with a total household income of less than $150k in the US. On-premise airport hotels that aren't complete chaos are usually $200/night and many people in the US get hardly any vacation time (which is a whole other problem in its own right).

silverquiet 3y ago

If one of your kids required extensive medical care for some reason or other, would it put a cramp in your lifestyle?

ericd 3y ago
I’m sure, but that’s true of one of us requiring extensive medical care, too. Living is risky.
- silverquiet 3y ago
  I'm quite aware of the risk; I have a rare childhood disorder that will likely require ever more medical care as I age. Trying to keep my own ass covered by medical insurance is enough challenge for me.
  - ericd 3y ago
    Sorry you’ve had to go through that. But rare childhood disorders are rare, right? Most kids are healthy, so most parents don’t have to cover that. Many people seem to think that having kids means an end to their having fun, my point is that that’s not a given. It’s not to say that everyone is in a good position to have kids.
    - silverquiet 3y ago
      Mine is indeed quite rare; I'd put money on you never having heard of it because the average doctor barely has. The thing is I know tons of people with some rare condition or other; collectively it seems rare conditions are common. I've personally seen some truly heinous conditions affect children; far worse than what I went through. Certainly there are no givens, to borrow another's HN comment - kids are like a reverse lottery ticket. > It’s not to say that everyone is in a good position to have kids. Yes, I'd say that it's up to each individual to determine that, and it seems that more and more are deciding that they are not.

Pamar 3y ago

yes, but I do not think this is something that people really discusses rationally, either. I.e. I doubt that couples who decide to go childless sit down and say "listen, if we have children our current life is over, just look at Jack and Laura - they disappeared from the Lindy classes and had to cancel their spa subscription". It is probably both a subconscious thing that - along with other factors - will make you postpone the decision until it is either too late, or your spouse somehow puts you in front of an ultimatum. As I said in another message I have living proof that things can work out fine among relatives and friends both, so I am sure that it could be done. Neither me nor my MSO (Most Significant Other) were really into the idea of having children though, so we passed.

jeffrallen 3y ago

It's not a misconception if you choose your family style to be "prioritize time with kids and follow their interests". To implement that in our family meant adjusting our budget to allow one parent to stay at home. Adjusting our budget like that had consequences on our previous hobbies of travels, etc. C'est la vie, and la vie est belle.