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This is all great, but even if you follow all these tips, most people I meet seem to be only interested in talking about themselves. They will answer your quest

This is all great, but even if you follow all these tips, most people I meet seem to be only interested in talking about themselves. They will answer your questions (sometimes to such an exhausting length that you dread any more follow-up questions), but never ask you any questions back. I also come across decent conversationalists, of course, but in my observation more than 2/3th of the people I meet only care about talking about themselves and don't care about learning anything about me. I mostly notice this in women, but that may just be my personal experience.

grvdrm 3y ago
I was going to quote a couple specific things in your reply but after re-reading it all resonates. Completely agree with you. More of my conversations are one-way than not. It's uncomfortable when you get part way through a conversation and realize you've asked nearly every question. And then I question whether I am the boring or less interesting one in the pair. In my profession, I counter this with a simple phrase: be interested, not interesting. It just works better.
dudul 3y ago
At the end of the day, people mostly want to talk about themselves, and if your goal is to be someone they want to talk to it means you're there to listen. It's not about communication, or about forming a relationship or a connection or whatever. It is about making them enjoy speaking with you. So they now think you're a "great person". You're not making friends, you're just building sympathy capital to be used later.
xyzelement 3y ago
Many people suck at conversation. This article is something they’d be better off reading. But it’s weird that almost everyone you meet is like that? That’s not the real world ratio.
zug_zug 3y ago
Maybe there's a math behind this. Maybe they enjoy talking about themselves, and don't like talking about you, so are happy to talk as long as its on their terms, but don't really have an interest in a balanced quid-pro-quo.
331c8c71 3y ago
I don't agree. One of the reasons people talk about themselves is that doing so is not invasive: you share something (hopefully of interest or importance to you) and expect them to do the same. You can only ask so many questions like "what are you like doing" or "what was your experience of doing X" before it starts to be weird. My 2c at least.
- grvdrm 3y ago
  Honest question: what do you mean by weird?
  - 331c8c71 3y ago
    Like you are trying to pull info from your interlocutor and they are answering out of politeness but have no real intention of letting you to know them. It feels fine to ask direct questions from time to time to steer the convo but I think the expectation of a pleasant one is that it flows naturally most of the time (meaning the steering is much more subtle).

grvdrm 3y ago

I was going to quote a couple specific things in your reply but after re-reading it all resonates. Completely agree with you. More of my conversations are one-way than not. It's uncomfortable when you get part way through a conversation and realize you've asked nearly every question. And then I question whether I am the boring or less interesting one in the pair. In my profession, I counter this with a simple phrase: be interested, not interesting. It just works better.

dudul 3y ago

At the end of the day, people mostly want to talk about themselves, and if your goal is to be someone they want to talk to it means you're there to listen. It's not about communication, or about forming a relationship or a connection or whatever. It is about making them enjoy speaking with you. So they now think you're a "great person". You're not making friends, you're just building sympathy capital to be used later.

xyzelement 3y ago

Many people suck at conversation. This article is something they’d be better off reading. But it’s weird that almost everyone you meet is like that? That’s not the real world ratio.

zug_zug 3y ago

Maybe there's a math behind this. Maybe they enjoy talking about themselves, and don't like talking about you, so are happy to talk as long as its on their terms, but don't really have an interest in a balanced quid-pro-quo.

331c8c71 3y ago

I don't agree. One of the reasons people talk about themselves is that doing so is not invasive: you share something (hopefully of interest or importance to you) and expect them to do the same. You can only ask so many questions like "what are you like doing" or "what was your experience of doing X" before it starts to be weird. My 2c at least.

grvdrm 3y ago
Honest question: what do you mean by weird?
- 331c8c71 3y ago
  Like you are trying to pull info from your interlocutor and they are answering out of politeness but have no real intention of letting you to know them. It feels fine to ask direct questions from time to time to steer the convo but I think the expectation of a pleasant one is that it flows naturally most of the time (meaning the steering is much more subtle).