I smoked on and off for about ten years, and eventually stopped because I realized that no matter how nice the anticipation of it was, immediately afterwards I

I smoked on and off for about ten years, and eventually stopped because I realized that no matter how nice the anticipation of it was, immediately afterwards I felt dirty and depressed. I quit for good almost twenty years ago, and the interesting this is now the dirty and depressed feeling is still palpable when I think about it, but I only remember the anticipation as a symbol. I remember *that* the anticipation happened, but not what it felt like.