4 ms·

For those of you who decided not to have kids in your 20s-30s, and are now in your 40s+, when changing that decision now becomes increasingly more difficult: di

For those of you who decided not to have kids in your 20s-30s, and are now in your 40s+, when changing that decision now becomes increasingly more difficult: did you regret it? Did your position of “I want to live my life, I don’t want the hassle or the cost, or there are too many humans already, or something else”, did that position change or weaken? Asking for a friend :)

davedx 3y ago
I had my first child in my mid 30's, and one of my friends started when both him and his partner were in their 40's. No regrets, but the biological challenges can be very real -- my friends had to use IVF for both their pregnancies. I don't know anyone who had kids a bit later in life who regretted it purely due to their age. Though being now in my mid 40's I think I would struggle with the sleep deprivation and noise of a new baby....
- XorNot 3y ago
  For me it became an estimate of how old I wanted to be when my son turned 20. In my 50s seemed better then my 60s.
- cpursley 3y ago
  Sometimes I wish we had our daughter a bit earlier, the energy requirements are real.
ben_w 3y ago
I've just turned 40, and I'm currently childless, but not because that was my goal. Twice wanted to settle down with a woman, but I wasn't her Mr Right. I'm still friends with the second, but she's (metaphorically) married to her activism; she and I split just as I moved to Germany which was itself just before the pandemic. Then I ended up with a boyfriend, but medical tech isn't quite there yet for Mpreg :P
- xyzzy4747 3y ago
  Do you regret having a boyfriend instead of a relationship that biologically can produce children?
  - ben_w 3y ago
    No regrets — there's also at least four[0] ways around that off the top of my head, but I think explaining them and how they relate to my life right now would derail the rest of the conversation. [1] Would be five, but I'm too old for sperm donation.
    - xyzzy4747 3y ago
      Personally I find a deep satisfaction that my marriage produced a child so far. It gives it a lot of meaning. If I was in a relationship that wasn't headed anywhere except our demise it would eventually feel pointless to me, like a lot of effort for nothing. I'm sure this is a minority opinion though so take it with a grain of salt.
- seec 3y ago
  It's funny because I am trending in the same direction. You can't say it because of political correctness but I believe many of our fertility problem lies in the behavior of today's women. But women can't do no wrong so... If you can't/won't have kids, men make better partners anyway. Everything else can be solved one way or another...
fingerlocks 3y ago
No, but there is a very brief, almost imperceptible flicker of envy when you realize most of your friends have children. Our decision was really my wife’s decision, I was always indifferent, which may explain the feelings described above. Wife remains staunchly committed to a child free lifestyle and couldn’t be happier.
wkat4242 3y ago
No I'm nearly 50 and I don't regret it at all, never have in the slightest. I see all the strings my friends have, having to book meetings months in advance. Where I can go out dancing till 6am whenever I feel like it (which I do a lot) or wake up at 3pm on a Saturday. I don't think my life would have been so full if I'd been so tied down with a family.
schmookeeg 3y ago
Nope. 47 now. As I travel more, my opinion that there are enough humans already has only strengthened. If I feel the need to scoop up the purported "joy of children", I can visit my sister and wind up my nephew for a few hours, then leave the sugar crash and ensuing tantrums to be her problem as I whizz off back to reality. I'm so very grateful that my home doesn't have some little narcissist in it running around wearing my face and destroying my property, sanity, and finances. Or at least, not another one. :)
nlnn 3y ago
In my 40s, never wanted kids, and my position hasn't changed at all. I've never really had the urge, and it's only ever been friends/relatives pushing the "you should have kids, they're amazing!" narrative. I'm sure they are, but I equate it with e.g. painting. I'm sure painting is very enjoyable, frustrating at times, and can bring a ton of joy and wonder to the world. But I just don't enjoy painting, or have any desire to learn, and don't feel the world is so desperately short of artists that I have a duty to do it. Seeing many friends of mine seriously struggle with money and time also convinces me I made the right choice. I also don't envy a lot of issues they have to go through, e.g. bullying, teen pregancy, phone addiction, tuition fees, serious/lifelong medical issues, etc.

davedx 3y ago

I had my first child in my mid 30's, and one of my friends started when both him and his partner were in their 40's. No regrets, but the biological challenges can be very real -- my friends had to use IVF for both their pregnancies. I don't know anyone who had kids a bit later in life who regretted it purely due to their age. Though being now in my mid 40's I think I would struggle with the sleep deprivation and noise of a new baby....

XorNot 3y ago
For me it became an estimate of how old I wanted to be when my son turned 20. In my 50s seemed better then my 60s.
cpursley 3y ago
Sometimes I wish we had our daughter a bit earlier, the energy requirements are real.

ben_w 3y ago

I've just turned 40, and I'm currently childless, but not because that was my goal. Twice wanted to settle down with a woman, but I wasn't her Mr Right. I'm still friends with the second, but she's (metaphorically) married to her activism; she and I split just as I moved to Germany which was itself just before the pandemic. Then I ended up with a boyfriend, but medical tech isn't quite there yet for Mpreg :P

xyzzy4747 3y ago
Do you regret having a boyfriend instead of a relationship that biologically can produce children?
- ben_w 3y ago
  No regrets — there's also at least four[0] ways around that off the top of my head, but I think explaining them and how they relate to my life right now would derail the rest of the conversation. [1] Would be five, but I'm too old for sperm donation.
  - xyzzy4747 3y ago
    Personally I find a deep satisfaction that my marriage produced a child so far. It gives it a lot of meaning. If I was in a relationship that wasn't headed anywhere except our demise it would eventually feel pointless to me, like a lot of effort for nothing. I'm sure this is a minority opinion though so take it with a grain of salt.
seec 3y ago
It's funny because I am trending in the same direction. You can't say it because of political correctness but I believe many of our fertility problem lies in the behavior of today's women. But women can't do no wrong so... If you can't/won't have kids, men make better partners anyway. Everything else can be solved one way or another...

fingerlocks 3y ago

No, but there is a very brief, almost imperceptible flicker of envy when you realize most of your friends have children. Our decision was really my wife’s decision, I was always indifferent, which may explain the feelings described above. Wife remains staunchly committed to a child free lifestyle and couldn’t be happier.

wkat4242 3y ago

No I'm nearly 50 and I don't regret it at all, never have in the slightest. I see all the strings my friends have, having to book meetings months in advance. Where I can go out dancing till 6am whenever I feel like it (which I do a lot) or wake up at 3pm on a Saturday. I don't think my life would have been so full if I'd been so tied down with a family.

schmookeeg 3y ago

Nope. 47 now. As I travel more, my opinion that there are enough humans already has only strengthened. If I feel the need to scoop up the purported "joy of children", I can visit my sister and wind up my nephew for a few hours, then leave the sugar crash and ensuing tantrums to be her problem as I whizz off back to reality. I'm so very grateful that my home doesn't have some little narcissist in it running around wearing my face and destroying my property, sanity, and finances. Or at least, not another one. :)

nlnn 3y ago

In my 40s, never wanted kids, and my position hasn't changed at all. I've never really had the urge, and it's only ever been friends/relatives pushing the "you should have kids, they're amazing!" narrative. I'm sure they are, but I equate it with e.g. painting. I'm sure painting is very enjoyable, frustrating at times, and can bring a ton of joy and wonder to the world. But I just don't enjoy painting, or have any desire to learn, and don't feel the world is so desperately short of artists that I have a duty to do it. Seeing many friends of mine seriously struggle with money and time also convinces me I made the right choice. I also don't envy a lot of issues they have to go through, e.g. bullying, teen pregancy, phone addiction, tuition fees, serious/lifelong medical issues, etc.