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Open relationships are nearly impossible to navigate from either side and as someone who has done it on more than one occasion, I very strongly recommend that i

Open relationships are nearly impossible to navigate from either side and as someone who has done it on more than one occasion, I very strongly recommend that if you’re considering it, reconsider—hard. They are often a last ditch effort at offsetting dead bedrooms, relationship problems, or other significant issues and they are often a cause of severe dating stress on you, your primary, and your secondary/tertiary/etc partners. If you do want to absolutely do it, don’t do it via a mainstream app or don’t do it as a relationship—keep it as a hookup. But, if you insist this is good for you, instead join some sort of tight-knit community that is more open to such alternative relationship styles or you’re going to have a bad time. A really bad time. In my extensive experience, of those who are open to open/polyamory are either doing it themselves or have serious issues with self-image and/or mental health. Of those who aren’t in these camps, the stress of the relationship dynamics will end up in hurt, pain, and a never-ending conversation about the situation or the lack of separation from the primary. Again, keep it to hookups or tight-knit pro-open communities and away from those looking for something normal or stable. It’s not fair to anyone involved. If it’s “working” for you via those mainstream dating communities, you’re either missing/ignoring the issues or you’re in a very tiny minority.

Mandelmus 3y ago
I was in open relationships in Berlin’s polyamorous community for nearly five years and I concur with everything you said.
damascus 3y ago
When I first started down this path my first red flag appeared when I started asking poly people how long they'd been poly. The first 30 people I asked over a period of about 4 months, the longest anyone had been poly was 14 months. It wasn't until I got involved in a smaller alt-art community that I found a few old timers with more than 5 years under their belts, and all of them were solo poly (they live alone, unmarried, but date multiple people).
- joseph8th 3y ago
  We used to call "solo poly"... "single".
  - gizmo686 3y ago
    Single people aren't normally in relationships.
fshbbdssbbgdd 3y ago
In my experience with the local gay scene, it’s common for stable, long term relationships to be open. Maybe this fits what you said about “tight-knit pro-open communities” but it’s not like we intentionally self-selected to combine poly people together. Maybe it’s some difference in relationship dynamics related to gender expectations.
- captnFwiffo 3y ago
  As a gay, I think that we actually have a lot of self-exceptionalism around the abuse of younger men by poly/open men in legal marriages with their primary. There's a lot of solidified marriages around fucking younger men and having a mortgage with the old same-sex ball and chain. I think it's a sort of normalized abuse we haven't even begun to reckon with.
  - fshbbdssbbgdd 3y ago
    I can understand how that would be abusive in some cases. But it doesn’t match what I see. A lot of time people in these relationships engage in more like what straight people call “swinging”, and there may not be any significant age gap. Even when there is an age gap, it usually doesn’t seem abusive to me. A lot of the times the younger partner is more outgoing, is actually the main person coordinating socialization and in that sense has a lot of agency. But there are endless configurations and it is hard to generalize. When I have seen abuse, it’s usually either someone who is controlling of their (only or primary) partner, or a single person who acts predatory (maybe too creepy to get in any deep relationship). A “third” or fling usually would have much less tying them to the relationship and can more easily cut and run if things aren’t fun. Then again I don’t want to deny the existence of abuse just because I haven’t seen it, people cover stuff up and it’s good to speak out. FYI your account is in a semi-banned state. This comment was marked as dead and I could only see it because I have “showdead” setting turned on. I vouched for this specific comment so it might be visible now.
    - captnFwiffo 3y ago
      [dead]
geoelectric 3y ago
I realized at one point that the math associated with Brook’s Law—ie the chance of project failure scaling to n(n-1)/2, the number of communications paths between n people who have to cooperate with each other to achieve the result—probably applied to many kinds of open and poly/ethical-non-monogamous relationships as well. The degree of drama I’ve anecdotally seen them stir up seemed to support my hypothesis. I avoid them now.
- SnorkelTan 3y ago
  50% of marriages end in divorce. I think of that statistic as a probability of failure for a life long monogamous relationship. I don't think there's any argument that can convince me that increasing the number of partners reduces or does not increase the probability at which a relationship between 2 people will end up in heart break and hurt feelings.

Mandelmus 3y ago

I was in open relationships in Berlin’s polyamorous community for nearly five years and I concur with everything you said.

damascus 3y ago

When I first started down this path my first red flag appeared when I started asking poly people how long they'd been poly. The first 30 people I asked over a period of about 4 months, the longest anyone had been poly was 14 months. It wasn't until I got involved in a smaller alt-art community that I found a few old timers with more than 5 years under their belts, and all of them were solo poly (they live alone, unmarried, but date multiple people).

joseph8th 3y ago
We used to call "solo poly"... "single".
- gizmo686 3y ago
  Single people aren't normally in relationships.

fshbbdssbbgdd 3y ago

In my experience with the local gay scene, it’s common for stable, long term relationships to be open. Maybe this fits what you said about “tight-knit pro-open communities” but it’s not like we intentionally self-selected to combine poly people together. Maybe it’s some difference in relationship dynamics related to gender expectations.

captnFwiffo 3y ago
As a gay, I think that we actually have a lot of self-exceptionalism around the abuse of younger men by poly/open men in legal marriages with their primary. There's a lot of solidified marriages around fucking younger men and having a mortgage with the old same-sex ball and chain. I think it's a sort of normalized abuse we haven't even begun to reckon with.
- fshbbdssbbgdd 3y ago
  I can understand how that would be abusive in some cases. But it doesn’t match what I see. A lot of time people in these relationships engage in more like what straight people call “swinging”, and there may not be any significant age gap. Even when there is an age gap, it usually doesn’t seem abusive to me. A lot of the times the younger partner is more outgoing, is actually the main person coordinating socialization and in that sense has a lot of agency. But there are endless configurations and it is hard to generalize. When I have seen abuse, it’s usually either someone who is controlling of their (only or primary) partner, or a single person who acts predatory (maybe too creepy to get in any deep relationship). A “third” or fling usually would have much less tying them to the relationship and can more easily cut and run if things aren’t fun. Then again I don’t want to deny the existence of abuse just because I haven’t seen it, people cover stuff up and it’s good to speak out. FYI your account is in a semi-banned state. This comment was marked as dead and I could only see it because I have “showdead” setting turned on. I vouched for this specific comment so it might be visible now.
  - captnFwiffo 3y ago
    [dead]

geoelectric 3y ago

I realized at one point that the math associated with Brook’s Law—ie the chance of project failure scaling to n(n-1)/2, the number of communications paths between n people who have to cooperate with each other to achieve the result—probably applied to many kinds of open and poly/ethical-non-monogamous relationships as well. The degree of drama I’ve anecdotally seen them stir up seemed to support my hypothesis. I avoid them now.

SnorkelTan 3y ago
50% of marriages end in divorce. I think of that statistic as a probability of failure for a life long monogamous relationship. I don't think there's any argument that can convince me that increasing the number of partners reduces or does not increase the probability at which a relationship between 2 people will end up in heart break and hurt feelings.