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Hey Lars. Thanks for sharing your story, so many of us are in a similar situations but dealing with it in isolation. After more than a decade of being a carer I

Hey Lars. Thanks for sharing your story, so many of us are in a similar situations but dealing with it in isolation. After more than a decade of being a carer I can offer you the following: Take care of yourself and your partner. Get some outside help if you can so you can take some breaks. Find things that bring you joy, treat yourself. Try and help your daughters process things and come away better people for the experience. Treat your son with love and dignity. Find some things in your life to be grateful for and dwell on them, it is impossible to feel sorrow and gratitude at the same time. Sending the hugs back to you and yours.

totetsu 3y ago
> Find some things in your life to be grateful for and dwell on them, it is impossible to feel sorrow and gratitude at the same time. Any advice on how to do this one. Recently I have been Noticing how no matter how many Good things I do in a year once they’re over they don’t really bring positive feelings the same way that the bad things pop up and make them selves dwelled upon.
- HlessClaudesman 3y ago
  I struggle with it too. Remind yourself that bad feelings are like storms, they will soon pass.
- apwell23 3y ago
  There is really no tricks to do this, anyone who says otherwise is lying. We are not designed to "feel happy" we are designed to reproduce successfully . Don't strive to be happy all the time. I am sure even dalai lama has a nagging inner voice thats harshing his buzz all the time. All the stuff these folks preach is just entertainment. Inner voice has been conditioned by evolution, food, famine, floods, climate, culture , your body, your parents and host of other fears and hopes. You cannot simply trick that voice into thinking happy thoughts.
  - chefandy 3y ago
    That’s weirdly reductive. The point isn’t to feel persistently happy—happiness is fleeting— it's to not feel hopeless and inconsolably miserable. I’m chemically prone to depression— diagnoses and everything— and even at my most depressed I’ll still feel moments of happiness. It’s the pervasive lack of hope, vitality, and the ability to see what’s good in your life that’s dangerous. Feeling grateful might not be a silver bullet for being in this mental state, but trying to more objectively view your situation in context and recognizing the good parts is an important part of grounding yourself when your perspective is skewed by depression.
    - chefandy 3y ago
      An addendum: not sure if you were speaking figuratively, but an inner voice constantly preoccupied with potential catastrophe (even at a small scale, like minor social embarrassment) is a pretty strong indicator of an anxiety problem, which is eminently treatable. Even for people that chafe at the prospect of medication and traditional talk therapy, CBT specialists can help you implement some practical mental tools in only a few visits without protracted emotional history explorations or anything resembling them. The technique has proven to get quick, meaningful results for everything from combat PTSD to ADHD to depression and beyond, and can be a fast path to achieving good mental hygiene. Anyone reading this who’s curious about their own anxiety level should find an online questionnaire by a reputable, specialized mental health organization (i.e. not buzzfeed, et al, a pharmaceutical company, or someone trying to sell you therapy) and be honest in your answers. You shouldn’t need to create a login or divulge any identifying information.
  - uwagar 3y ago
    if you could watch that voice, maybe it will shut up or u can make peace with it?
  - Aerbil313 3y ago
    Non-believer not believing that believers’ belief has a real impact on their subjective inner experience. It does.
- prometheus76 3y ago
  I hope this doesn't sound overly simplistic, but it has changed my life. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life. A couple of years ago, a therapist said, "Have you tried thinking of something else?" when I was explaining running through anxiety-inducing scenarios in my head. So now when something that causes anxiety or dread starts to show up in my head, I immediately say "I don't want to think about that" and I say a little prayer. Sometimes, I keep repeating the prayer to keep my mind occupied on something besides dread.
  - DiggyJohnson 3y ago
    I have joked that this is my "Bottle it up" approach to my mental health, which people usually assume is a self-deprecating joke, but there's actually a lot of truth in it. Being able to control when to mentally address these tough situations if a real skill, and is not simply ignoring the problem outright. I'm glad you shared this experience.
    - prometheus76 3y ago
      Yeah it felt like a revelation when someone said "you can control your thoughts" basically. I was like, "Really? Is it really that easy?" and it takes some practice but yes, you don't have to just let your brain run around thinking about whatever it wants. You can say "no". It really helps me to have a specific prayer I say instead so that my mind doesn't just jump to some other dreadful scenario. The other most impactful thing I've done for my anxiety was uninstalling all news apps from my phone. I check the headlines one time in the morning to satiate my curiosity then I don't look at the news at all.
  - supertofu 3y ago
    In theravada buddhism, this is called applying the faculty of wise attention. We have zero control over our thoughts, but we have control over the object of our attention (and it improves with practice). When unpleasant thoughts arise, the (canonical Buddhist) strategy is to move your attention to something (anything!) else. Using mantra (prayer) or force of will ("I close my attention to this thought") are both applications of the technique.
- em-bee 3y ago
  i try to focus on positive experiences. that can mean trying to think of a positive memory or daydream about something, but usually it is immersing myself in a game or watch a movie, or listen or a story or audio drama, or writing. one thing about writing vs daydreaming. daydreaming tends to have a bad reputation: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daydream#Benefits_and_costs https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daydream#Benefits_and_costs but to me, a daydream is just a story not written down. when i focus on daydreaming i am literally doing the same thing as when i am focusing on writing a story. i also write down positive experiences so i can revisit them if i feel the need (although i never do that. it's enough for me to know that the memory is saved) you could try listening to entertaining podcasts if you want something to distract you while doing other work. another thing that i found when i miss someone, is that drawing them lets me feel closer to them. if you want to try that but worry about your drawing skills, i recommend taking a photo of that person, break it down into small rectangles and then reconstruct the photo one rectangle at the time. that ensures you get the proportions right even if you don't have any drawing skills and you won't get frustrated that your drawing looks wrong.
- brightball 3y ago
  I've heard it said that "happiness is a fleeting feeling and joy is a state of being." Any time you have the opportunity to experience gratitude, contentment and appreciation for what you do have it brings a great deal of peace.
smeej 3y ago
> it is impossible to feel sorrow and gratitude at the same time. This is very much the opposite of my experience. Being grateful even for the losses that have brought the most sorrow, the two things at the very same time, has ripped me apart, but it's also been the only way through. ETA: I say this not to contradict you or deny your experience. I say it in case other people are thinking their experience might need to include both, so they're encouraged to realize that, for some people, it's not impossible, but necessary.
- TheRealDunkirk 3y ago
  > Being grateful even for the losses that have brought the most sorrow, the two things at the very same time, has ripped me apart, but it's also been the only way through. Whether or not you express this sentiment as a Christian, this is a core tenet of the teachings. Despite being reminded of this by a close counselor in the beginning of my own tragedy, I have yet to fully come to terms with it. I know I need to, and I try, but I'm still bitter about it, and I know I'm still only faking it. In fact, I think I'm reading this story and your comment at precisely the time I need to in order to finally admit to myself that this is also my only way through. I gotta be honest: I never expected to hear the voice of God speaking through this forum. Thank you.
  - smeej 3y ago
    I do express it as a Christian, and I don't believe I could any other way. After losing my sister and my nephew six years ago (today would have been her 36th birthday, actually), I tried mightily to come up with any other way through, and it just didn't, couldn't, happen. There's a line at the end of the book A Song for Nagasaki where he says, "For all that has been, thank you. To all that will be, yes." I think the journey of my life of faith is one of coming to mean that. Peace to you.
    - xp84 3y ago
      That’s a beautiful line. Thank you for sharing it.
- 3y ago
baconhigh 3y ago
I appreciate that your post is thoughtful and has good intentions, but can i suggest not telling people how they can or cannot feel, or what they should or shouldn’t do? (hah. putting myself into this basket for a second and acknowledging this comment) emotions are complex. you can show compassion and empathy without instruction? inshallah
- HlessClaudesman 3y ago
  So you are instructing me not to offer instruction?
erikpukinskis 3y ago
> it is impossible to feel sorrow and gratitude at the same time. I would’ve said this too, until 12 months ago. I lost my dog suddenly. And then some weeks and months later I started to feel her presence running up alongside me when I would walk in our familiar places. In those moments I felt elation in her presence and also utter despair in her loss all at once. It was a strange experience but also clear as day.

totetsu 3y ago

> Find some things in your life to be grateful for and dwell on them, it is impossible to feel sorrow and gratitude at the same time. Any advice on how to do this one. Recently I have been Noticing how no matter how many Good things I do in a year once they’re over they don’t really bring positive feelings the same way that the bad things pop up and make them selves dwelled upon.

HlessClaudesman 3y ago
I struggle with it too. Remind yourself that bad feelings are like storms, they will soon pass.
apwell23 3y ago
There is really no tricks to do this, anyone who says otherwise is lying. We are not designed to "feel happy" we are designed to reproduce successfully . Don't strive to be happy all the time. I am sure even dalai lama has a nagging inner voice thats harshing his buzz all the time. All the stuff these folks preach is just entertainment. Inner voice has been conditioned by evolution, food, famine, floods, climate, culture , your body, your parents and host of other fears and hopes. You cannot simply trick that voice into thinking happy thoughts.
- chefandy 3y ago
  That’s weirdly reductive. The point isn’t to feel persistently happy—happiness is fleeting— it's to not feel hopeless and inconsolably miserable. I’m chemically prone to depression— diagnoses and everything— and even at my most depressed I’ll still feel moments of happiness. It’s the pervasive lack of hope, vitality, and the ability to see what’s good in your life that’s dangerous. Feeling grateful might not be a silver bullet for being in this mental state, but trying to more objectively view your situation in context and recognizing the good parts is an important part of grounding yourself when your perspective is skewed by depression.
  - chefandy 3y ago
    An addendum: not sure if you were speaking figuratively, but an inner voice constantly preoccupied with potential catastrophe (even at a small scale, like minor social embarrassment) is a pretty strong indicator of an anxiety problem, which is eminently treatable. Even for people that chafe at the prospect of medication and traditional talk therapy, CBT specialists can help you implement some practical mental tools in only a few visits without protracted emotional history explorations or anything resembling them. The technique has proven to get quick, meaningful results for everything from combat PTSD to ADHD to depression and beyond, and can be a fast path to achieving good mental hygiene. Anyone reading this who’s curious about their own anxiety level should find an online questionnaire by a reputable, specialized mental health organization (i.e. not buzzfeed, et al, a pharmaceutical company, or someone trying to sell you therapy) and be honest in your answers. You shouldn’t need to create a login or divulge any identifying information.
- uwagar 3y ago
  if you could watch that voice, maybe it will shut up or u can make peace with it?
- Aerbil313 3y ago
  Non-believer not believing that believers’ belief has a real impact on their subjective inner experience. It does.
prometheus76 3y ago
I hope this doesn't sound overly simplistic, but it has changed my life. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life. A couple of years ago, a therapist said, "Have you tried thinking of something else?" when I was explaining running through anxiety-inducing scenarios in my head. So now when something that causes anxiety or dread starts to show up in my head, I immediately say "I don't want to think about that" and I say a little prayer. Sometimes, I keep repeating the prayer to keep my mind occupied on something besides dread.
- DiggyJohnson 3y ago
  I have joked that this is my "Bottle it up" approach to my mental health, which people usually assume is a self-deprecating joke, but there's actually a lot of truth in it. Being able to control when to mentally address these tough situations if a real skill, and is not simply ignoring the problem outright. I'm glad you shared this experience.
  - prometheus76 3y ago
    Yeah it felt like a revelation when someone said "you can control your thoughts" basically. I was like, "Really? Is it really that easy?" and it takes some practice but yes, you don't have to just let your brain run around thinking about whatever it wants. You can say "no". It really helps me to have a specific prayer I say instead so that my mind doesn't just jump to some other dreadful scenario. The other most impactful thing I've done for my anxiety was uninstalling all news apps from my phone. I check the headlines one time in the morning to satiate my curiosity then I don't look at the news at all.
- supertofu 3y ago
  In theravada buddhism, this is called applying the faculty of wise attention. We have zero control over our thoughts, but we have control over the object of our attention (and it improves with practice). When unpleasant thoughts arise, the (canonical Buddhist) strategy is to move your attention to something (anything!) else. Using mantra (prayer) or force of will ("I close my attention to this thought") are both applications of the technique.
em-bee 3y ago
i try to focus on positive experiences. that can mean trying to think of a positive memory or daydream about something, but usually it is immersing myself in a game or watch a movie, or listen or a story or audio drama, or writing. one thing about writing vs daydreaming. daydreaming tends to have a bad reputation: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daydream#Benefits_and_costs https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daydream#Benefits_and_costs but to me, a daydream is just a story not written down. when i focus on daydreaming i am literally doing the same thing as when i am focusing on writing a story. i also write down positive experiences so i can revisit them if i feel the need (although i never do that. it's enough for me to know that the memory is saved) you could try listening to entertaining podcasts if you want something to distract you while doing other work. another thing that i found when i miss someone, is that drawing them lets me feel closer to them. if you want to try that but worry about your drawing skills, i recommend taking a photo of that person, break it down into small rectangles and then reconstruct the photo one rectangle at the time. that ensures you get the proportions right even if you don't have any drawing skills and you won't get frustrated that your drawing looks wrong.
brightball 3y ago
I've heard it said that "happiness is a fleeting feeling and joy is a state of being." Any time you have the opportunity to experience gratitude, contentment and appreciation for what you do have it brings a great deal of peace.

smeej 3y ago

> it is impossible to feel sorrow and gratitude at the same time. This is very much the opposite of my experience. Being grateful even for the losses that have brought the most sorrow, the two things at the very same time, has ripped me apart, but it's also been the only way through. ETA: I say this not to contradict you or deny your experience. I say it in case other people are thinking their experience might need to include both, so they're encouraged to realize that, for some people, it's not impossible, but necessary.

TheRealDunkirk 3y ago
> Being grateful even for the losses that have brought the most sorrow, the two things at the very same time, has ripped me apart, but it's also been the only way through. Whether or not you express this sentiment as a Christian, this is a core tenet of the teachings. Despite being reminded of this by a close counselor in the beginning of my own tragedy, I have yet to fully come to terms with it. I know I need to, and I try, but I'm still bitter about it, and I know I'm still only faking it. In fact, I think I'm reading this story and your comment at precisely the time I need to in order to finally admit to myself that this is also my only way through. I gotta be honest: I never expected to hear the voice of God speaking through this forum. Thank you.
- smeej 3y ago
  I do express it as a Christian, and I don't believe I could any other way. After losing my sister and my nephew six years ago (today would have been her 36th birthday, actually), I tried mightily to come up with any other way through, and it just didn't, couldn't, happen. There's a line at the end of the book A Song for Nagasaki where he says, "For all that has been, thank you. To all that will be, yes." I think the journey of my life of faith is one of coming to mean that. Peace to you.
  - xp84 3y ago
    That’s a beautiful line. Thank you for sharing it.
3y ago

baconhigh 3y ago

I appreciate that your post is thoughtful and has good intentions, but can i suggest not telling people how they can or cannot feel, or what they should or shouldn’t do? (hah. putting myself into this basket for a second and acknowledging this comment) emotions are complex. you can show compassion and empathy without instruction? inshallah

HlessClaudesman 3y ago
So you are instructing me not to offer instruction?

erikpukinskis 3y ago

> it is impossible to feel sorrow and gratitude at the same time. I would’ve said this too, until 12 months ago. I lost my dog suddenly. And then some weeks and months later I started to feel her presence running up alongside me when I would walk in our familiar places. In those moments I felt elation in her presence and also utter despair in her loss all at once. It was a strange experience but also clear as day.