7 ms·

There's surprisingly little research on relationship disorders, in particular, in the area of dating. If Gilmartin (who I think was the first to research the i

There's surprisingly little research on relationship disorders, in particular, in the area of dating. If Gilmartin (who I think was the first to research the involutary celibate more formally) were more rigorous and/or if psychologists would have have extracted the good points and developed them, today we'd likely have a better (or at least, better prepared) society. Sadly, Gilmartin is partially reponsible for turning to the topic from something taboo-ish into a laughing stock. It also seems that some people here don't know - modern acception of "incel" is, confusingly, more specific than "involuntary celibates"; it refers to an online, tendentially misogynistic, subculture of involuntary celibates. If some readers here identify themselves with people with serious relationship disorders, seek a therapist - this disorder can be impossible to heal without professional services.

atoav 3y ago
> If some readers here identify themselves with people with serious relationship disorders, do yourself a favor, and see a therapist. This disorder can be impossible to heal without professional services. I think this is good advice. If you feel part of the incel subculture, please take a moment to reflect what attracts you to these people and their explainations. Could it be that they offer you a story within which you don't have to question your own role in your misery? This lack of taking responsibility for ones own way in life is by the way one of the main reasons people tend to look down on incels. The problem isn't you not finding a relationship. The problem is how you explain away your own responsibility within that. And it is the natural, lazy thing to fall for this: After all it feels more comfortable if you are not at fault, but everybody else. The only problem with this is, that it isn't the truth and it doesn't bring you any closer to finding joy in life. Many incels may feel that they don't need therapy, because they have their incel peers. But that is really, really problematic. This is why therapy is a good advice. If you are part of such a hermetic group, getting outside help that gets to know you closer is a really good way of finding a way out. But the first step is admiting you have a problem and that the other people with the same problem are only giving you excuses to continue down that path, not solutions to get out of it.
- pydry 3y ago
  >This lack of taking responsibility for ones own way I took a look at the community out of curiosity for a while and I noticed that the group is subdivided and lot of them do suggest taking responsibility for "Maxx-ing" (as they call it) while the others (the so called 'black' pilled, whom I think are a smaller subgroup) don't. On a separate note: I think the western cult of personal responsibility also gets taken a bit too far sometimes and we need to be cognizant of this, because too often it encourages us to ignore real systemic (often highly profitable) issues. In this case, I think it's the toxic effect of swipe based dating apps and extreme market consolidation in the dating app market.
  - atoav 3y ago
    > I think the western cult of personal responsibility also gets taken a bit too far sometimes I agree totally. This is why I would say a incel needs help. But like with any mental trap, addiction, anxiety, obesity, etc. the first step towards getting better is aknowledging you got a problem and your current way of living does keep you from improving your situation. And this acceptance can only come from the affected person themselves.
  - AnimalMuppet 3y ago
    For those of us not in the know, what is "Maxx-ing" in this context?
    - pydry 3y ago
      Their word for doing stuff to get yourself a date/girlfriend.
deleted 3y ago
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atoav 3y ago

> If some readers here identify themselves with people with serious relationship disorders, do yourself a favor, and see a therapist. This disorder can be impossible to heal without professional services. I think this is good advice. If you feel part of the incel subculture, please take a moment to reflect what attracts you to these people and their explainations. Could it be that they offer you a story within which you don't have to question your own role in your misery? This lack of taking responsibility for ones own way in life is by the way one of the main reasons people tend to look down on incels. The problem isn't you not finding a relationship. The problem is how you explain away your own responsibility within that. And it is the natural, lazy thing to fall for this: After all it feels more comfortable if you are not at fault, but everybody else. The only problem with this is, that it isn't the truth and it doesn't bring you any closer to finding joy in life. Many incels may feel that they don't need therapy, because they have their incel peers. But that is really, really problematic. This is why therapy is a good advice. If you are part of such a hermetic group, getting outside help that gets to know you closer is a really good way of finding a way out. But the first step is admiting you have a problem and that the other people with the same problem are only giving you excuses to continue down that path, not solutions to get out of it.

pydry 3y ago
>This lack of taking responsibility for ones own way I took a look at the community out of curiosity for a while and I noticed that the group is subdivided and lot of them do suggest taking responsibility for "Maxx-ing" (as they call it) while the others (the so called 'black' pilled, whom I think are a smaller subgroup) don't. On a separate note: I think the western cult of personal responsibility also gets taken a bit too far sometimes and we need to be cognizant of this, because too often it encourages us to ignore real systemic (often highly profitable) issues. In this case, I think it's the toxic effect of swipe based dating apps and extreme market consolidation in the dating app market.
- atoav 3y ago
  > I think the western cult of personal responsibility also gets taken a bit too far sometimes I agree totally. This is why I would say a incel needs help. But like with any mental trap, addiction, anxiety, obesity, etc. the first step towards getting better is aknowledging you got a problem and your current way of living does keep you from improving your situation. And this acceptance can only come from the affected person themselves.
- AnimalMuppet 3y ago
  For those of us not in the know, what is "Maxx-ing" in this context?
  - pydry 3y ago
    Their word for doing stuff to get yourself a date/girlfriend.

deleted 3y ago

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