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I love to see them happy; I'm heartbroken to see them sad, and they feel the same. I want them to have everything. That's a normal, healthy relationship. Sorry

I love to see them happy; I'm heartbroken to see them sad, and they feel the same. I want them to have everything. That's a normal, healthy relationship. Sorry, but that sounds like a one-sided relationship. No one can have everything they want in reality. It's always subject to negotiation, game theory, and economics. If partners always talk to each other in good faith, it all works out. Good partners keep each other in line. My wife doesn't let me have everything, and sometimes makes demands of me. I make demands of my wife, and she doesn't get everything either. It all comes down to honesty and accountability. Getting everything you want is either bribery or fantasy.

wolverine876 3y ago
I wouldn't mention it, if it wasn't in context of relationships. Between the two of us, you are looking for problems AFAICT. You take "I want them to have everything" to some extreme and then critique it - it's finding things to critique. Good relationships follow the HN guidelines (not coincidentally): Be curious, not judgmental and don't leap to conclusions; e.g., what did I mean by that? There are many possibilities. Be charitable in interpretations - did I really mean that my partner should have literally everything? We end up in a debate that has nothing to do with anything I think or say, I'm just cornered - put in a spotlight to defend a position that has nothing to do with me.
- stcredzero 3y ago
  Thanks for clarifying. So "I want them to have everything," isn't an argument for just acceding to a demand to avert your gaze? Wanting your partner to have everything is as emotionally understandable and foolish as wanting your child to have everything.
  - wolverine876 3y ago
    I genuinely want you to have everything too, including great relationships. Good luck. These are excerpts from a song by Lucinda Williams. I think of it sometimes in life, especially when people seem to demand that life and relationships be a lonely struggle for survival. I read that it was written for a friend of Williams who committed suicide. The breath from your own lips The touch of fingertips A sweet and tender kiss The sound of a midnight train Wearing someone's ring Someone calling your name Somebody so warm Cradled in your arm Didn't you think you were worth anything? Millions of us in love Promises made good Your own flesh and blood Looking for some truth Dancing with no shoes The beat, the rhythm, the blues Life isn't simple or easy, but the love is very real and very possible.
    - peferron 3y ago
      Why don't you refer GP to a suicide hotline while you're at it? Your attitude in this thread has been repulsive.
    - wolverine876 3y ago
      Too late to edit the parent: I'm not suggesting the GP is somehow suicidal in any way at all; I only meant that as context for the lyrics. Sorry for any misunderstanding.
- BatmansMom 3y ago
  Don't you want to be with a partner that "wants you to have everything" also? Even if we don't take that literally, I think a healthy relationship has both parties honestly sharing their desires with each other. If you "just do something to make your partner happy," knowing it makes you less happy, isn't that being dishonest? I just struggle to understand how you don't see the relationship as one sided if one person is making sacrifices for the other and that value isn't reciprocated. Or maybe I'm misunderstanding what you're trying to say.
  - wolverine876 3y ago
    There's miscommunication somewhere (maybe in my writing): I agree, it would be an unhealthy relationship if it wasn't both ways. But to pick on a specific word (perhaps not meant so specifically), I don't think reciprocation is necessary or optimal, though maybe it's sufficient. It's not a transaction or a deal; you help the other because you love them, not to get anything back. It doesn't have to be equal or balanced or 'fair', but both should see to it that their partner's needs are met - you still have needs. It's 'from each according to their ability, to each according to their need'. And abilties and needs will shift over the long term. One may need much more than the other. Sometimes one person will be much more able than the other. It will never balance out. > If you "just do something to make your partner happy," knowing it makes you less happy, isn't that being dishonest? If you mean that's all you are doing, then it sure isn't healthy (I suppose it could be honest if you are open about it with yourself and your partner). But do you make sacrifices like that? All the time, of course, with joy and love, and pride to be part of that relationship, and to know they do the same. Anyway, that's one vision of a relationship, but I think it's a healthy one and I suspect some elements are pretty universal.

wolverine876 3y ago

I wouldn't mention it, if it wasn't in context of relationships. Between the two of us, you are looking for problems AFAICT. You take "I want them to have everything" to some extreme and then critique it - it's finding things to critique. Good relationships follow the HN guidelines (not coincidentally): Be curious, not judgmental and don't leap to conclusions; e.g., what did I mean by that? There are many possibilities. Be charitable in interpretations - did I really mean that my partner should have literally everything? We end up in a debate that has nothing to do with anything I think or say, I'm just cornered - put in a spotlight to defend a position that has nothing to do with me.

stcredzero 3y ago
Thanks for clarifying. So "I want them to have everything," isn't an argument for just acceding to a demand to avert your gaze? Wanting your partner to have everything is as emotionally understandable and foolish as wanting your child to have everything.
- wolverine876 3y ago
  I genuinely want you to have everything too, including great relationships. Good luck. These are excerpts from a song by Lucinda Williams. I think of it sometimes in life, especially when people seem to demand that life and relationships be a lonely struggle for survival. I read that it was written for a friend of Williams who committed suicide. The breath from your own lips The touch of fingertips A sweet and tender kiss The sound of a midnight train Wearing someone's ring Someone calling your name Somebody so warm Cradled in your arm Didn't you think you were worth anything? Millions of us in love Promises made good Your own flesh and blood Looking for some truth Dancing with no shoes The beat, the rhythm, the blues Life isn't simple or easy, but the love is very real and very possible.
  - peferron 3y ago
    Why don't you refer GP to a suicide hotline while you're at it? Your attitude in this thread has been repulsive.
  - wolverine876 3y ago
    Too late to edit the parent: I'm not suggesting the GP is somehow suicidal in any way at all; I only meant that as context for the lyrics. Sorry for any misunderstanding.
BatmansMom 3y ago
Don't you want to be with a partner that "wants you to have everything" also? Even if we don't take that literally, I think a healthy relationship has both parties honestly sharing their desires with each other. If you "just do something to make your partner happy," knowing it makes you less happy, isn't that being dishonest? I just struggle to understand how you don't see the relationship as one sided if one person is making sacrifices for the other and that value isn't reciprocated. Or maybe I'm misunderstanding what you're trying to say.
- wolverine876 3y ago
  There's miscommunication somewhere (maybe in my writing): I agree, it would be an unhealthy relationship if it wasn't both ways. But to pick on a specific word (perhaps not meant so specifically), I don't think reciprocation is necessary or optimal, though maybe it's sufficient. It's not a transaction or a deal; you help the other because you love them, not to get anything back. It doesn't have to be equal or balanced or 'fair', but both should see to it that their partner's needs are met - you still have needs. It's 'from each according to their ability, to each according to their need'. And abilties and needs will shift over the long term. One may need much more than the other. Sometimes one person will be much more able than the other. It will never balance out. > If you "just do something to make your partner happy," knowing it makes you less happy, isn't that being dishonest? If you mean that's all you are doing, then it sure isn't healthy (I suppose it could be honest if you are open about it with yourself and your partner). But do you make sacrifices like that? All the time, of course, with joy and love, and pride to be part of that relationship, and to know they do the same. Anyway, that's one vision of a relationship, but I think it's a healthy one and I suspect some elements are pretty universal.