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I cannot relate to this Michael. When I am in a relationship I have tunnel vision. Prettiest girl in the world could come up to me and I would walk right past h

I cannot relate to this Michael. When I am in a relationship I have tunnel vision. Prettiest girl in the world could come up to me and I would walk right past her to go spend time with the girl of my obsession. Ironically I feel as though this attitude of mine tends to be detrimental during the dating phase. I give them way too much attention and they lose respect for me.

all2 3y ago
I've got tunnel vision as well. I cannot say I obsess, but I don't have eyes or desire for anyone but her. > I give them way too much attention and they lose respect for me. I've done this. There's a balance in remaining an individual and committing fully to a relationship. I think there's a lie in the idea of being subsumed by a relationship. You have to maintain your heading and keep the winds of purpose at your back. Don't lose speed just because your heart is full. If she's game, she'll be more than capable of keeping up.
danenania 3y ago
How long of a relationship have you been in? I think your experience is common early on during the honeymoon phase but it’s rarer if you’re talking about multi-year, cohabiting long term relationships or marriages.
Sakos 3y ago
I definitely can. Independent of how happy, in love and sexually satisfied I might be in a relationship, I seem to always have an eye out for pretty women. It feels like I could have this same exact conversation if I had a insecure partner, or a partner who is unable to accept that attraction to other people doesn't necessarily stop when in a relationship, or if I were a bit more of an uncaring dick like Michael. I've just never had the need/urge to act on it. Meanwhile I've been cheated on twice. I think there are far more important concerns in a relationship than whether I think some other girl is pretty.
- wolverine876 3y ago
  > I've just never had the need/urge to act on it. Yes, I see many things in the world that I like/want, and don't act on it. If I see someone at the next table say something outrageous, I don't butt into their conversation.
neilv 3y ago
> Ironically I feel as though this attitude of mine tends to be detrimental during the dating phase. I give them way too much attention and they lose respect for me. Maybe think of it as reason for a confidence boost: that this awesome person seems to want to be with you? So try to be a little comfortable and more confident with that, so you're less likely to smother or come across as insecure? Some people need to be told the opposite. They find someone and get too cocky, take the person for granted, or even lose interest because the great person was found too easily (and emotion-stupidity is implying to them, if it was too easy, then they could do better). (Grain of salt: I've managed to lose more than my share of awesome gfs. Much less an expert, than a cautionary tale.)
- stcredzero 3y ago
  (and emotion-stupidity is implying to them, if it was too easy, then they could do better) It could be some kind of subconscious statistical sophistication. There's a mathematical argument somewhere, that you should date 7-10 times or so, then pick the best one that comes after that sample.
pmarreck 3y ago
That usually doesn't last. Rarely though, it does, but it does require a woman to be... the type to want to stay in that type of relationship, because it can be a turn-off for many women. There's a certain socially-conservative but possibly valid (when it comes to long-term familial integrity) train of thought that goes like this: Husband adores wife more than kids. Wife adores kids more than husband. Kids take adoration for granted until they experience loss, and no one really adores the husband... and somehow this may be a more stable arrangement than we give it credit for. The general sense is that men are happiest in families where they retain a romantic fascination with their wives (even over the love for their kids), and that this is becoming a rarer and rarer thing leading to more marital-security erosion.
kamikaz1k 3y ago
Instead of piling on I’ll instead link to a heartening clip from Malcolm in the Middle where Hal and Lois resolve the question of who loves whom more. https://youtu.be/C3ouolMALIM https://youtu.be/C3ouolMALIM
- globular-toast 3y ago
  What I love about this is how much is said between the lines. The red pill type folk want to talk about a lot of this stuff explicitly and that makes people feel uncomfortable. But it's clear from dialogue like this that the ideas are understood by many and perhaps can be discussed, even on children's TV. This is one of the reasons I love comedy. It's the only way to tell the truth and find out what other people think. If someone laughs at something, then they believe it. As for Malcolm in the Middle, I was far too young to understand dialogue like this when I watched it, but even as a child I could tell there was something "more" to it then there seemed. It's such a high quality show. A big difference between American and British shows is the British ones seem clearly divided between for children and for adults. Stuff like Doctor Who, which is made for children, seem to have nothing to stimulate the adult brain. But perhaps that means stuff for adults, like Black Mirror, can be more efficient by ignoring the child demographic completely. I'm glad both approaches exist.
wolverine876 3y ago
> Ironically I feel as though this attitude of mine tends to be detrimental during the dating phase. I give them way too much attention and they lose respect for me. Without knowing you or your partners at all ... I'd expect people to feel uncomfortable because you are not seeing them - you are acting on your "obsession" (to use your word), and not based on them and the attention need, want, when and how, who they are, etc. They could be anyone; it has little to do with them as a person, and that understanding for and compassion for the individual is the whole point of a (healthy, IMHO) relationship.
bawolff 3y ago
> I give them way too much attention and they lose respect for me. "Respect" seems like a bizarre lens to view this through. Are you sure you aren't misinterpreting the situation?
darkerside 3y ago
Respect doesn't mean fawning over somebody because you want to sleep with them, and confusing the two of them shows a lack of self awareness that makes it quite rational to avoid dating you. You can't respect what you don't understand. Perhaps seek first to understand your potential partner, in a way that you can only arrive at through deep and personal conversation. Then you'll both know if she's truly deserving of your respect.
metadat 3y ago
This is classic codependent behavior.
DiggyJohnson 3y ago
> I would walk right past her to go spend time with the girl of my obsession It sounds like you're already aware of this, but that's got to be unsustainable (let alone un-reciprocated).

all2 3y ago

I've got tunnel vision as well. I cannot say I obsess, but I don't have eyes or desire for anyone but her. > I give them way too much attention and they lose respect for me. I've done this. There's a balance in remaining an individual and committing fully to a relationship. I think there's a lie in the idea of being subsumed by a relationship. You have to maintain your heading and keep the winds of purpose at your back. Don't lose speed just because your heart is full. If she's game, she'll be more than capable of keeping up.

danenania 3y ago

How long of a relationship have you been in? I think your experience is common early on during the honeymoon phase but it’s rarer if you’re talking about multi-year, cohabiting long term relationships or marriages.

Sakos 3y ago

I definitely can. Independent of how happy, in love and sexually satisfied I might be in a relationship, I seem to always have an eye out for pretty women. It feels like I could have this same exact conversation if I had a insecure partner, or a partner who is unable to accept that attraction to other people doesn't necessarily stop when in a relationship, or if I were a bit more of an uncaring dick like Michael. I've just never had the need/urge to act on it. Meanwhile I've been cheated on twice. I think there are far more important concerns in a relationship than whether I think some other girl is pretty.

wolverine876 3y ago
> I've just never had the need/urge to act on it. Yes, I see many things in the world that I like/want, and don't act on it. If I see someone at the next table say something outrageous, I don't butt into their conversation.

neilv 3y ago

> Ironically I feel as though this attitude of mine tends to be detrimental during the dating phase. I give them way too much attention and they lose respect for me. Maybe think of it as reason for a confidence boost: that this awesome person seems to want to be with you? So try to be a little comfortable and more confident with that, so you're less likely to smother or come across as insecure? Some people need to be told the opposite. They find someone and get too cocky, take the person for granted, or even lose interest because the great person was found too easily (and emotion-stupidity is implying to them, if it was too easy, then they could do better). (Grain of salt: I've managed to lose more than my share of awesome gfs. Much less an expert, than a cautionary tale.)

stcredzero 3y ago
(and emotion-stupidity is implying to them, if it was too easy, then they could do better) It could be some kind of subconscious statistical sophistication. There's a mathematical argument somewhere, that you should date 7-10 times or so, then pick the best one that comes after that sample.

pmarreck 3y ago

That usually doesn't last. Rarely though, it does, but it does require a woman to be... the type to want to stay in that type of relationship, because it can be a turn-off for many women. There's a certain socially-conservative but possibly valid (when it comes to long-term familial integrity) train of thought that goes like this: Husband adores wife more than kids. Wife adores kids more than husband. Kids take adoration for granted until they experience loss, and no one really adores the husband... and somehow this may be a more stable arrangement than we give it credit for. The general sense is that men are happiest in families where they retain a romantic fascination with their wives (even over the love for their kids), and that this is becoming a rarer and rarer thing leading to more marital-security erosion.

kamikaz1k 3y ago

Instead of piling on I’ll instead link to a heartening clip from Malcolm in the Middle where Hal and Lois resolve the question of who loves whom more. https://youtu.be/C3ouolMALIM https://youtu.be/C3ouolMALIM

globular-toast 3y ago
What I love about this is how much is said between the lines. The red pill type folk want to talk about a lot of this stuff explicitly and that makes people feel uncomfortable. But it's clear from dialogue like this that the ideas are understood by many and perhaps can be discussed, even on children's TV. This is one of the reasons I love comedy. It's the only way to tell the truth and find out what other people think. If someone laughs at something, then they believe it. As for Malcolm in the Middle, I was far too young to understand dialogue like this when I watched it, but even as a child I could tell there was something "more" to it then there seemed. It's such a high quality show. A big difference between American and British shows is the British ones seem clearly divided between for children and for adults. Stuff like Doctor Who, which is made for children, seem to have nothing to stimulate the adult brain. But perhaps that means stuff for adults, like Black Mirror, can be more efficient by ignoring the child demographic completely. I'm glad both approaches exist.

wolverine876 3y ago

> Ironically I feel as though this attitude of mine tends to be detrimental during the dating phase. I give them way too much attention and they lose respect for me. Without knowing you or your partners at all ... I'd expect people to feel uncomfortable because you are not seeing them - you are acting on your "obsession" (to use your word), and not based on them and the attention need, want, when and how, who they are, etc. They could be anyone; it has little to do with them as a person, and that understanding for and compassion for the individual is the whole point of a (healthy, IMHO) relationship.

bawolff 3y ago

> I give them way too much attention and they lose respect for me. "Respect" seems like a bizarre lens to view this through. Are you sure you aren't misinterpreting the situation?

darkerside 3y ago

Respect doesn't mean fawning over somebody because you want to sleep with them, and confusing the two of them shows a lack of self awareness that makes it quite rational to avoid dating you. You can't respect what you don't understand. Perhaps seek first to understand your potential partner, in a way that you can only arrive at through deep and personal conversation. Then you'll both know if she's truly deserving of your respect.

metadat 3y ago

This is classic codependent behavior.

DiggyJohnson 3y ago

> I would walk right past her to go spend time with the girl of my obsession It sounds like you're already aware of this, but that's got to be unsustainable (let alone un-reciprocated).