i think you are right on point with expectations being the problem. i grew up without friends for various reasons, and i spent a lot of time alone and isolated

i think you are right on point with expectations being the problem. i grew up without friends for various reasons, and i spent a lot of time alone and isolated, but, at the same time i also grew up without anyone ever putting any kind of undue expectations on me. of course i was expected to help at home with some housework, but when it didn't happen i was never made to feel guilty about it. i believe for me this freedom from expectations counteracted the negative effects of not having friends. it allowed me to pursue my interests only limited by financial resources. when i saw as a young adult how many people had expectations on others, i did what you suggest, and reject the whole idea. i had no desire to fit in. it's one reason why i left europe at the time. i realized one of the problems europe has with immigrants is that expectation to assimilate and fit in. that particular problem is less strong in the US due to the less homogeneous society there, but it does exist there too. it's just a bit easier there to find your tribe as it were which lessens the difficulty of needing to fit in. this is at the macro level, on the other hand at the individual level the problem remains. again for me that meant that since i grew up alone, it was a lot easier to stay away from people who had expectations that i didn't want to fulfill. if you weren't able to accept me as the person i was, you were not going to gain my friendship. i expect many others are not able to do that so easily. for them, losing a friend, or having trouble finding friends hurts a lot more. i have a few friends. and i do want more friends, but not to the degree that i would give up my individuality as a human being in order to get those friends. in fact the worst experiences in my life were when people confronted me with specific expectations that i could not fulfill. my reaction was to protect myself by disconnecting from them.