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> just "enjoy" the awkwardness. Oh now you're talking! That's a x100 superpower. I recently met someone who is about to start a (psych) PhD on "Awkwardness"

> just "enjoy" the awkwardness. Oh now you're talking! That's a x100 superpower. I recently met someone who is about to start a (psych) PhD on "Awkwardness" and I had one of the most interesting conversations in years. Some people fear embarrassment more than life threatening danger. As one of my favourite philosophers put it, terror management cannot be a plausible theory because "people aren't afraid of dying any more, they're afraid of being seen wearing the wrong trainers". We should all try to understand "awkwardness" and social pressure more, because I think it's role in widespread manipulation is unrecognised. There's something very, very powerful about being kinda resistant to awkwardness without being a callous asshole who feels no shame and delights in other people's discomfort. One insight is that it's highly contagious. and its powerful to be the chain-breaker who can spot it, name it, make a joke or otherwise disrupt it. People really appreciate you for that. When I am in a group of people who get phomo (that nervous wave of synchronised checking and tapping) I just walk off now. I used to stand there watching them all, but have since realised its me who makes them feel terribly awkward. I don't feel awkward, I feel mildly insulted.. but that's my baggage, so I just politely extricate. Edit: Someone flagged this entire topic. Since I cannot find a single untoward comment in the threads I assume they just felt awkward about the whole discussion. QED.

cassianoleal 3y ago
Thanks for your insightful post! > That's a x100 superpower. Well, it's not like I always succeed at that but I'm trying! :D It is a good feeling, to bring the instinctive monkey-like (lizard-like?) reaction of pulling up the phone to the foreground of the mind and taking intentional control of it. Even if the decision is to give in, as long as it's with intent, I'm fine with it - and in this case it's usually easy to put it back down. > being kinda resistant to awkwardness without being a callous asshole who feels no shame and delights in other people's discomfort. I do that to friends. Mostly on purpose. To be fair though, only to the friends with whom I'm intimate enough that I know they would do the same to me and it's out of love both ways. :) > I just walk off now. I used to stand there watching them all, but have since realised its me who makes them feel terribly awkward. I do that some times. That's not always an option in the example of the bar table with friends (or co-workers, etc). In any case, my experience is that the people who get inside their phones in this way are usually so oblivious to their surroundings that it doesn't matter. In these cases I try to just casually observe and learn whatever I can from the situation. > I don't feel awkward, I feel mildly insulted I used to feel that way too. I still do sometimes. Over the years though, I've been learning to get better at changing the way I reactively feel to situations based on what I know - in this case, that them being on their phones is not because of me (am I boring them? am I overly awkward and making them feel that way? am I ...?) but rather because they _need_ their phone fix. Note that I don't feel pity either. I don't think people should stop using their phones. I do wish they did so with more intent and less due to sheer habit.

cassianoleal 3y ago

Thanks for your insightful post! > That's a x100 superpower. Well, it's not like I always succeed at that but I'm trying! :D It is a good feeling, to bring the instinctive monkey-like (lizard-like?) reaction of pulling up the phone to the foreground of the mind and taking intentional control of it. Even if the decision is to give in, as long as it's with intent, I'm fine with it - and in this case it's usually easy to put it back down. > being kinda resistant to awkwardness without being a callous asshole who feels no shame and delights in other people's discomfort. I do that to friends. Mostly on purpose. To be fair though, only to the friends with whom I'm intimate enough that I know they would do the same to me and it's out of love both ways. :) > I just walk off now. I used to stand there watching them all, but have since realised its me who makes them feel terribly awkward. I do that some times. That's not always an option in the example of the bar table with friends (or co-workers, etc). In any case, my experience is that the people who get inside their phones in this way are usually so oblivious to their surroundings that it doesn't matter. In these cases I try to just casually observe and learn whatever I can from the situation. > I don't feel awkward, I feel mildly insulted I used to feel that way too. I still do sometimes. Over the years though, I've been learning to get better at changing the way I reactively feel to situations based on what I know - in this case, that them being on their phones is not because of me (am I boring them? am I overly awkward and making them feel that way? am I ...?) but rather because they _need_ their phone fix. Note that I don't feel pity either. I don't think people should stop using their phones. I do wish they did so with more intent and less due to sheer habit.