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You might find it difficult to stay secure when your partner says you’re no longer good enough. Of course, some people don’t seem to mind this much. Or maybe t

You might find it difficult to stay secure when your partner says you’re no longer good enough. Of course, some people don’t seem to mind this much. Or maybe this fancy new Bay Area “polyamory” memeplex works really well. I find it hard to imagine any amount of coping strategies could dull the pain for me.

Quinzel 3y ago
Thinking that your partner is suddenly going to think you’re not good enough because they see other people is an insecure kind of line of thought and the sort of thought processes that breed jealousy IMO. Being sexually exclusive doesn’t prevent people from falling out of love and moving on. People in monogamous relationships still sometimes decide their partners are not good enough, or they get bored, or whatever…
- ferbivore 3y ago
  You can't just choose not to feel a certain way. It's quite difficult, and often a bad idea besides. Feelings aren't meaningless noise. We might have different ideas of security. If you don't value monogamy anyway, maybe your security isn't threatened much by your partner deciding you aren't good enough for it.
  - chownie 3y ago
    > If you don't value monogamy anyway, maybe your security isn't threatened much by your partner deciding you aren't good enough for it. I wrote a comment 3 times trying to steel man this but it still reads like horribly bitter snark rather than an earnest pov. People who enter poly relationships are not doing so because they value their partners less. In a relationship between more than two people their communication skills must be on point and they have to sincerely take one another's needs into account or the whole thing crumbles, it's all the effort of monogamy and then some. If your partner isn't "good enough" for monogamy then they definitely won't manage polyamory.
    - ferbivore 3y ago
      You claim in your other comments to not experience jealousy. This is the same as not valuing monogamy. That’s completely fine, but it means my comments aren’t for you. They’re for people like me, who don’t have your gift, but are perhaps vulnerable to being convinced by others that they do. There’s no reason to feel insulted or to insult me in turn; my honest feelings as a human being are not bitter snark, thanks. Talking about people who mutually decide to engage in polyamory is off-topic for this particular thread. Quinzel’s scenario is someone in a monogamous relationship deciding to seek out new partners.
      - chownie 3y ago
        > There’s no reason to feel insulted or to insult me in turn; my honest feelings as a human being are not bitter snark, thanks. These may be your sincere feelings, I've also absolutely got the right to feel insulted by the way you've chosen to express them. It's mean spirited to vent in such a way that you catch other people in the crossfire when you're airing your personal dislikes. Saying that people with polyamoristic proclivities seek out other people because their partner "isn't good enough for monogamy" is an offensive mischaracterizastion of the kind of relationship I've been in for half a decade.

Quinzel 3y ago

Thinking that your partner is suddenly going to think you’re not good enough because they see other people is an insecure kind of line of thought and the sort of thought processes that breed jealousy IMO. Being sexually exclusive doesn’t prevent people from falling out of love and moving on. People in monogamous relationships still sometimes decide their partners are not good enough, or they get bored, or whatever…

ferbivore 3y ago
You can't just choose not to feel a certain way. It's quite difficult, and often a bad idea besides. Feelings aren't meaningless noise. We might have different ideas of security. If you don't value monogamy anyway, maybe your security isn't threatened much by your partner deciding you aren't good enough for it.
- chownie 3y ago
  > If you don't value monogamy anyway, maybe your security isn't threatened much by your partner deciding you aren't good enough for it. I wrote a comment 3 times trying to steel man this but it still reads like horribly bitter snark rather than an earnest pov. People who enter poly relationships are not doing so because they value their partners less. In a relationship between more than two people their communication skills must be on point and they have to sincerely take one another's needs into account or the whole thing crumbles, it's all the effort of monogamy and then some. If your partner isn't "good enough" for monogamy then they definitely won't manage polyamory.
  - ferbivore 3y ago
    You claim in your other comments to not experience jealousy. This is the same as not valuing monogamy. That’s completely fine, but it means my comments aren’t for you. They’re for people like me, who don’t have your gift, but are perhaps vulnerable to being convinced by others that they do. There’s no reason to feel insulted or to insult me in turn; my honest feelings as a human being are not bitter snark, thanks. Talking about people who mutually decide to engage in polyamory is off-topic for this particular thread. Quinzel’s scenario is someone in a monogamous relationship deciding to seek out new partners.
    - chownie 3y ago
      > There’s no reason to feel insulted or to insult me in turn; my honest feelings as a human being are not bitter snark, thanks. These may be your sincere feelings, I've also absolutely got the right to feel insulted by the way you've chosen to express them. It's mean spirited to vent in such a way that you catch other people in the crossfire when you're airing your personal dislikes. Saying that people with polyamoristic proclivities seek out other people because their partner "isn't good enough for monogamy" is an offensive mischaracterizastion of the kind of relationship I've been in for half a decade.