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I wonder how middle-aged couples deal with the sexual desires. Numerous reports, let alone anecdotes and shows, mentioned that couples with each other for many

I wonder how middle-aged couples deal with the sexual desires. Numerous reports, let alone anecdotes and shows, mentioned that couples with each other for many years lost sexual desire towards each other, while their libido still flowed free. To quote one of such publications: "Sexual arousal and desire appear to decrease in response to partner familiarity and increase in response to partner novelty". I guess it's a little price to pay for a stable marriage?

throwuxiytayq 3y ago
I've always found this really sad to think about. I'm attracted to my partner and I'd like to stay this way indefinitely, but I'm also aware my own biology isn't on my side. I really hope we figure out ways (medicine? mind tricks? fork in the brain?) to keep the candle burning in the long term.
- hintymad 3y ago
  What I heard is that medicine can keep one up but does not really replace the sudden release of hormone, which gives one this voracious desire and burning sensation
- solumunus 3y ago
  Medicine makes one hard but does nothing to increase desire.
ToucanLoucan 3y ago
That's more or less what got my wife started in it, not lacking attraction to one another, but wondering about others. We loved each other to bits (still do in fact!) but we'd only ever had each other in that way. We were curious. Started as swinging, but eventually we settled more into poly with a dedicated side piece for each of us that we have strong feelings for too. For us at least, it's completely normal to be madly in love with two people at the same time. Maybe even more to be honest, but we're happy with what we have and don't want to rock the boat further. We're still #1 for each other both emotionally and legally, and always thought we'd only ever be that connected to one another. But when it became obvious for both of us that we had "caught feelings" to use the phrasing the kids use, well, we were still madly in love with each other and had less than no desire to split up and all the emotional and financial hell involved with that, so, we have each other, we each have a side piece, and occasionally we even double-date too. Idk, it's fun. I have two women in my life that bring me joy and my wife has another man that does the same. I'm sure it's not for everyone but I will admit that I find myself wondering how many marriages that end in infidelity could've been saved if the people in them just accepted that it was pretty understandable to not remain completely 100% committed to one person for the rest of your natural life.
- hintymad 3y ago
  Just curious, what if the novelty wears out even with two partners? I'd imagine it'd wear out twice as slow, but eventually familiarity will take over, right?
  - ToucanLoucan 3y ago
    I mean, it hasn't yet? We don't all live together so the extra partners do retain a sense of novelty I feel, what with us being perpetually held back from the true "spousal" feel? But even so, with the two of them, I feel no need to like... add another. That's just too much, haha.
- solumunus 3y ago
  I totally get your perspective but what I don’t understand is these two other individuals. Are they actually happy being second best? Do they know/think they’re second best? Possibly you’re going to tell me they’re not second best and the love is equal? I think all of you have a preference and equality is impossible, but I’m willing to hear that position out. I’m sure it’s fun, my feeling is that these situations are often fun for some of the participants but aren’t fun or become quite hellish for others. Obviously I’ve no statistics but it seems to end badly more often than not. As do most relationships, admittedly.
  - ToucanLoucan 3y ago
    > Are they actually happy being second best? Do they know/think they’re second best? Possibly you’re going to tell me they’re not second best and the love is equal? I think all of you have a preference and equality is impossible, but I’m willing to hear that position out. I mean they're "second best" with regard to the law, which is unfortunate but there really isn't any legal mechanisms where we live for multi-partnering, so it's just kind of the reality we've had to accept. But outside of that, we do our best to keep ourselves equal to our extraneous partners. It may seem strange but this is really the best. Sometimes that means plans with my wife can't happen because she already has some, and sometimes it means stuff my wife can't go to, my girlfriend does instead. It usually breaks down to whoever is available first, and we keep the lines of communication open and do our level best to head off any sense of resentment that crops up. As with most things, communication resolves a lot. It also doesn't hurt that my wife's second man really doesn't have much romantic interest at all outside of her, so he doesn't have someone else to juggle, and mine happens to be married to my best friend, which certainly complicated that relationship for awhile there but we've had it more or less down to a routine for a good while now. > I’m sure it’s fun, my feeling is that these situations are often fun for some of the participants but aren’t fun or become quite hellish for others. Obviously I’ve no statistics but it seems to end badly more often than not. As do most relationships, admittedly. There are unique challenges. Since one party is always a limitation on the other, there is sort of a baseline sense of rejection and de-prioritization one has to contend with. It just is what it is, so much of our culture and conditioning is built around this idea of you find ONE person and that one person is just, your entire world, forever and now you're sharing them. However, again the flip side to that is, you have another person too. So it sort of replaces the monogamous sole-relationship with... almost a sense of community belonging that is profound. It's not without it's costs to get it sorted, but IMO it's the best thing I've ever done in my life for my mental health. Not putting all your eggs in one basket has advantages, you know?
deleted 3y ago
[deleted]
VirusNewbie 3y ago
My wife and I are still very attracted to each other after fifteen years of marriage and a kid. There isn’t the same initial “rush” or “excitement” of getting to know a new partner, but she jokes how I still make (impressed/obama meme) faces when she’s scantily clad, and she still seems to appreciate when I’m working out etc. We prioritize dating and physicality, just like we prioritize other parts of our life we find important.

throwuxiytayq 3y ago

I've always found this really sad to think about. I'm attracted to my partner and I'd like to stay this way indefinitely, but I'm also aware my own biology isn't on my side. I really hope we figure out ways (medicine? mind tricks? fork in the brain?) to keep the candle burning in the long term.

hintymad 3y ago
What I heard is that medicine can keep one up but does not really replace the sudden release of hormone, which gives one this voracious desire and burning sensation
solumunus 3y ago
Medicine makes one hard but does nothing to increase desire.

ToucanLoucan 3y ago

That's more or less what got my wife started in it, not lacking attraction to one another, but wondering about others. We loved each other to bits (still do in fact!) but we'd only ever had each other in that way. We were curious. Started as swinging, but eventually we settled more into poly with a dedicated side piece for each of us that we have strong feelings for too. For us at least, it's completely normal to be madly in love with two people at the same time. Maybe even more to be honest, but we're happy with what we have and don't want to rock the boat further. We're still #1 for each other both emotionally and legally, and always thought we'd only ever be that connected to one another. But when it became obvious for both of us that we had "caught feelings" to use the phrasing the kids use, well, we were still madly in love with each other and had less than no desire to split up and all the emotional and financial hell involved with that, so, we have each other, we each have a side piece, and occasionally we even double-date too. Idk, it's fun. I have two women in my life that bring me joy and my wife has another man that does the same. I'm sure it's not for everyone but I will admit that I find myself wondering how many marriages that end in infidelity could've been saved if the people in them just accepted that it was pretty understandable to not remain completely 100% committed to one person for the rest of your natural life.

hintymad 3y ago
Just curious, what if the novelty wears out even with two partners? I'd imagine it'd wear out twice as slow, but eventually familiarity will take over, right?
- ToucanLoucan 3y ago
  I mean, it hasn't yet? We don't all live together so the extra partners do retain a sense of novelty I feel, what with us being perpetually held back from the true "spousal" feel? But even so, with the two of them, I feel no need to like... add another. That's just too much, haha.
solumunus 3y ago
I totally get your perspective but what I don’t understand is these two other individuals. Are they actually happy being second best? Do they know/think they’re second best? Possibly you’re going to tell me they’re not second best and the love is equal? I think all of you have a preference and equality is impossible, but I’m willing to hear that position out. I’m sure it’s fun, my feeling is that these situations are often fun for some of the participants but aren’t fun or become quite hellish for others. Obviously I’ve no statistics but it seems to end badly more often than not. As do most relationships, admittedly.
- ToucanLoucan 3y ago
  > Are they actually happy being second best? Do they know/think they’re second best? Possibly you’re going to tell me they’re not second best and the love is equal? I think all of you have a preference and equality is impossible, but I’m willing to hear that position out. I mean they're "second best" with regard to the law, which is unfortunate but there really isn't any legal mechanisms where we live for multi-partnering, so it's just kind of the reality we've had to accept. But outside of that, we do our best to keep ourselves equal to our extraneous partners. It may seem strange but this is really the best. Sometimes that means plans with my wife can't happen because she already has some, and sometimes it means stuff my wife can't go to, my girlfriend does instead. It usually breaks down to whoever is available first, and we keep the lines of communication open and do our level best to head off any sense of resentment that crops up. As with most things, communication resolves a lot. It also doesn't hurt that my wife's second man really doesn't have much romantic interest at all outside of her, so he doesn't have someone else to juggle, and mine happens to be married to my best friend, which certainly complicated that relationship for awhile there but we've had it more or less down to a routine for a good while now. > I’m sure it’s fun, my feeling is that these situations are often fun for some of the participants but aren’t fun or become quite hellish for others. Obviously I’ve no statistics but it seems to end badly more often than not. As do most relationships, admittedly. There are unique challenges. Since one party is always a limitation on the other, there is sort of a baseline sense of rejection and de-prioritization one has to contend with. It just is what it is, so much of our culture and conditioning is built around this idea of you find ONE person and that one person is just, your entire world, forever and now you're sharing them. However, again the flip side to that is, you have another person too. So it sort of replaces the monogamous sole-relationship with... almost a sense of community belonging that is profound. It's not without it's costs to get it sorted, but IMO it's the best thing I've ever done in my life for my mental health. Not putting all your eggs in one basket has advantages, you know?

deleted 3y ago

[deleted]

VirusNewbie 3y ago

My wife and I are still very attracted to each other after fifteen years of marriage and a kid. There isn’t the same initial “rush” or “excitement” of getting to know a new partner, but she jokes how I still make (impressed/obama meme) faces when she’s scantily clad, and she still seems to appreciate when I’m working out etc. We prioritize dating and physicality, just like we prioritize other parts of our life we find important.