3 ms·

It isn't. I don't know of a single couple in my personal life or extended group of friends that went poly and remained a couple past 5 years. They all eventuall

It isn't. I don't know of a single couple in my personal life or extended group of friends that went poly and remained a couple past 5 years. They all eventually split up. Why get married if you're going to be polyamorous. Seems like a bit of a hassle to tie yourself up legally and financially when you've otherwise thrown all other parts of the relationship to the wind.

magospietato 3y ago
I don't think this anecdote nullifies the question. A thing being popular doesn't necessarily mean it is a successful approach.
- MisterBastahrd 3y ago
  The question is a lie at face value. Polyamory isn't popular at all. It's just not as much of a taboo as it used to be. There's a giant difference between "what would your opinion of someone be if they were in an open relationship" and "would YOU want an open relationship?" The first has nothing to do with you personally past your opinion of how you would relate to someone else.
  - magospietato 3y ago
    Well, you've beaten me here. It would probably serve me better to read the article before posting. But it's Christmas, and there is gin, so I hope I have your forgiveness.
  - krisoft 3y ago
    > Polyamory isn't popular at all. “Become so popular” is about a relative change in popularity, not about absolute numbers. Almost everyone eats breakfast, yet nobody would say it “become so popular”. On the other hand if a very obscure thing becomes a bit less obscure that can be aptly described as becoming popular. > It's just not as much of a taboo as it used to be. Yes, that is what the article says too.
    - MisterBastahrd 3y ago
      Not sure what you're even trying to get at here. Eating breakfast is popular. Polyamory is not only unpopular, but even if it doubled in popularity every year for the next 5 years, it'd still be vastly unpopular.
      - krisoft 3y ago
        > Not sure what you're even trying to get at here. Evidently. “how did X become so popular” does not mean that X is popular. “X is popular” is a statement about the absolute popularity of X. “How did X become so popular” is a question about the change of popularity of X. It might or might not imply that X is popular in absolute terms. Let’s take the relatively niche sport of running-facefirst-into-a-rock. Last year there was only one athlete practicing it, this year there are 200. It is still a rounding error in popularity, yet you can ask “how did it become so popular?” When you ask that you don’t make a statement about the absolute popularity, but the change of it.
Tknl 3y ago
Your anecdote is in the basis correct. Very few relationships which start closed and go to open/poly survive as you do not have the required communication skills or emotional intelligence to make it work. This is usually developed over several failed relationships, similar to monogamy. I suspect relationships that start out polyamarous have a similar failure rate to nonmonogamy. Also, it is advisable to find local poly meetups to get social support and hear about what works. I've been polyamorous for around a decade and I don't date anyone that is just learning the ropes. It is too much of a risk to my existing relationships. Some of the skill sets required are covered in the book Polysecure. Trying to become poly to save your relationship is almost certainly going to fail. Do some marriage counseling first and then consider it if you have an emotionally secure base, but be aware it still likely will blow up.
krisoft 3y ago
> It isn't. Pardon me, but what isn’t? Are you saying it is not popular? > I don't know of a single couple in my personal life or extended group of friends that went poly and remained a couple past 5 years. This sentence makes it sound like you know multiple people who went poly. Which is exactly what “become so popular” mean. Then it sounds like you argue that it doesn’t make sense and the affected mariages didn’t last. Which is fine I guess, but that is a different question from if it is popular or not. > Why get married if you're going to be polyamorous. I don’t understand this question either. Many people are polyamorous without getting married. Perfectly valid choice. Then some people are first married, they live in a monogamous marriage and then they realise that the lifestyle is not working out for them. The choice for these people is not between monogamous marriage and polyamory but between divorce and polyamory. The question you are asking presuposes that people are aware that they want a polyamorous relationship at the time when they get married. Then of course there can be people who want a marriage for some legal or social protection. Let those things be preceived or real. If we believe that two adults can promise each other to stick together and help each other in good and bad, sickness and health, why couldn’t the same thing work just because they also have other people in their lives?
- MisterBastahrd 3y ago
  I also know three people in prison for murder, two for rape, and two more who died by cop while unarmed in their cars. It doesn't mean any of those things are popular or even approaching popularity. That you've heard of something doesn't imply popularity. And at least in the case of the poly couples I mentioned, there are no poly couples anymore. Not only did all of them break up, but they all decided that it was incongruent to maintaining a lasting and trusting relationship for the long term.

magospietato 3y ago

I don't think this anecdote nullifies the question. A thing being popular doesn't necessarily mean it is a successful approach.

MisterBastahrd 3y ago
The question is a lie at face value. Polyamory isn't popular at all. It's just not as much of a taboo as it used to be. There's a giant difference between "what would your opinion of someone be if they were in an open relationship" and "would YOU want an open relationship?" The first has nothing to do with you personally past your opinion of how you would relate to someone else.
- magospietato 3y ago
  Well, you've beaten me here. It would probably serve me better to read the article before posting. But it's Christmas, and there is gin, so I hope I have your forgiveness.
- krisoft 3y ago
  > Polyamory isn't popular at all. “Become so popular” is about a relative change in popularity, not about absolute numbers. Almost everyone eats breakfast, yet nobody would say it “become so popular”. On the other hand if a very obscure thing becomes a bit less obscure that can be aptly described as becoming popular. > It's just not as much of a taboo as it used to be. Yes, that is what the article says too.
  - MisterBastahrd 3y ago
    Not sure what you're even trying to get at here. Eating breakfast is popular. Polyamory is not only unpopular, but even if it doubled in popularity every year for the next 5 years, it'd still be vastly unpopular.
    - krisoft 3y ago
      > Not sure what you're even trying to get at here. Evidently. “how did X become so popular” does not mean that X is popular. “X is popular” is a statement about the absolute popularity of X. “How did X become so popular” is a question about the change of popularity of X. It might or might not imply that X is popular in absolute terms. Let’s take the relatively niche sport of running-facefirst-into-a-rock. Last year there was only one athlete practicing it, this year there are 200. It is still a rounding error in popularity, yet you can ask “how did it become so popular?” When you ask that you don’t make a statement about the absolute popularity, but the change of it.

Tknl 3y ago

Your anecdote is in the basis correct. Very few relationships which start closed and go to open/poly survive as you do not have the required communication skills or emotional intelligence to make it work. This is usually developed over several failed relationships, similar to monogamy. I suspect relationships that start out polyamarous have a similar failure rate to nonmonogamy. Also, it is advisable to find local poly meetups to get social support and hear about what works. I've been polyamorous for around a decade and I don't date anyone that is just learning the ropes. It is too much of a risk to my existing relationships. Some of the skill sets required are covered in the book Polysecure. Trying to become poly to save your relationship is almost certainly going to fail. Do some marriage counseling first and then consider it if you have an emotionally secure base, but be aware it still likely will blow up.

krisoft 3y ago

> It isn't. Pardon me, but what isn’t? Are you saying it is not popular? > I don't know of a single couple in my personal life or extended group of friends that went poly and remained a couple past 5 years. This sentence makes it sound like you know multiple people who went poly. Which is exactly what “become so popular” mean. Then it sounds like you argue that it doesn’t make sense and the affected mariages didn’t last. Which is fine I guess, but that is a different question from if it is popular or not. > Why get married if you're going to be polyamorous. I don’t understand this question either. Many people are polyamorous without getting married. Perfectly valid choice. Then some people are first married, they live in a monogamous marriage and then they realise that the lifestyle is not working out for them. The choice for these people is not between monogamous marriage and polyamory but between divorce and polyamory. The question you are asking presuposes that people are aware that they want a polyamorous relationship at the time when they get married. Then of course there can be people who want a marriage for some legal or social protection. Let those things be preceived or real. If we believe that two adults can promise each other to stick together and help each other in good and bad, sickness and health, why couldn’t the same thing work just because they also have other people in their lives?

MisterBastahrd 3y ago
I also know three people in prison for murder, two for rape, and two more who died by cop while unarmed in their cars. It doesn't mean any of those things are popular or even approaching popularity. That you've heard of something doesn't imply popularity. And at least in the case of the poly couples I mentioned, there are no poly couples anymore. Not only did all of them break up, but they all decided that it was incongruent to maintaining a lasting and trusting relationship for the long term.