5 ms·

When I first saw the title of this essay, I thought I already knew what I was going to say... Something about how my own todo this now has only one item on it,

by edw519 15y ago

When I first saw the title of this essay, I thought I already knew what I was going to say... Something about how my own todo this now has only one item on it, the single most important thing to do next. I gravitated to this based on the great quote by chess master Jose Capablanca: [When asked how many moves ahead he looked while playing]: "Only one, but it's always the right one." (from http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Jos%C3%A9_Ra%C3%BAl_Capablanca http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Jos%C3%A9_Ra%C3%BAl_Capablanca). Then I read pg's essay and Bronnie Ware's blog post and realized that this post was less about work and more about life. Then it hit me: My life's todo list still has only one item on it and always has: "Always do the right thing." I realize that this can be very hand wavy because the "right thing" means something different to everyone and even something different to me at different times. But still, it has been the perfect #1 for my todo list. Several years ago, my mother, who lived 1000 miles away, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and could no longer use the phone. So I began flying back to Pittsburgh every other weekend to be with her. After a while, even this wasn't enough. So I moved to Pittsburgh to be with her every day. People tried to say the right thing to me, but it never was right. They'd say things like, "I admire your doing this, but you really don't have to because she doesn't even know who you are," or "You may be making a sacrifice now, but in time you won't regret it; you'll have nothing to be sorry for." And I thought, "How sad. After all these years these people still don't get it. This isn't a sacrifice from me to her. It's a gift from her to me." I'm a little uncomfortable distilling pg's and Bronnie Ware's five thoughts from down into one, but "Always do the right thing" just works for me. I just hope the others in my life find something that works as well for them.

Mz 15y ago
You did the right thing (re your mother) for the right reason, not merely out of some sense of duty. It's hard to get that across. Many people seem to think that "Do the right thing" means they should dutifully sacrifice themselves. I don't think it does. I rarely know how to express it properly. I hope your story helps make it clearer for some people.
js2 15y ago
"Always do the right thing" - I can't think of a more concise definition of a mensch.
mattmanser 15y ago
Brilliant, always do the right thing. So catchy and yet so utterly useless at the same time. You sound just like the 'seduction' experts, 'confidence, that's what gets the girl'. My mum had an episode where she quite literally went mad. We spent a couple of weeks visiting her every day as she was confused, scared and angry. At some point I turned to my sister and said 'we have to go home, our lives have to go on'. The irony being that 'home' was 100 miles away from where my mum lives as my sister had met her husband a year earlier visiting me. Your story is touching and totally fucking stupid at the same time. My to-do list for tomorrow has 'Get loo roll, book a ticket for Splendour festival, vote'. Your to-do list sucks ass as it doesn't actually meet your real life needs. And did I do the right thing? I'll never know, I still feel like a shit as she screamed that the nurses were hurting her. Humiliated, ignored. Maybe they did? Lies I hope. I will never, ever know. Alzheimer's? She won't even remember what you did, you're doing it for nothing more than your own conscience. We are living in a very, very odd time where our parents are turning into our children. EDIT: The reason I had to write this is that your experience seems to me at odds with points 1, 3 & 5 of the list. And the horrible thing is it's going to get worse for all of us here on HN in the next 40 years. Medicine has put us in a very awkward position, one of being able to maintain the body when the mind went long ago. Or (imo worse) maintaining the body and mind when the reasons to live have gone. My friend's grandma openly talks about wanting to die as all her friends are dead. But does my friend's Mum want her Mum to die? Of course not. This is a very odd time.
- karterk 15y ago
  Your to-do list sucks ass as it doesn't actually meet your real life needs. Maybe it does to him. He was just sharing his experience, not preaching everyone to do what he does.
- cstross 15y ago
  it's going to get worse for all of us here on HN in the next 40 years. Medicine has put us in a very awkward position, one of being able to maintain the body when the mind went long ago. Or (imo worse) maintaining the body and mind when the reasons to live have gone. My friend's grandma openly talks about wanting to die as all her friends are dead. But does my friend's Mum want her Mum to die? Of course not. This is a very odd time. Preach it. (Those who downvoted you obviously didn't read far enough.)
davemel37 15y ago
My mother went through years of taking care of her aging mother with Alzheimer's and made many sacrifices. So much so that she made each of my siblings and myself promise her that if she ever got Alzheimer's we would put her in a home and move on. She can't bear the thought of putting her children through the pain she endured. Odds are, if G-Forbid this ever happened, we would be by her side every day, telling ourselves it is the right thing. It's the least we could do after all she has done and continues to do for us.... But it makes me wonder... What would your mother prefer? What would have made her happier? What choice would she have made for you if it was up to her? Human nature is an interesting thing. Always presenting conflict every step of the way. The right thing can and will almost always be a representation of what your heart desires. The weird part is, the more important the decision, the easier it usually is and the choice is more obvious. The hard decisions usually are not that important, but rather a scenario with both options are legitimately justifiable, and both choices can be justified or vilified.
- jiakeliu 15y ago
  There's an old Chinese idiom that says "事到万难须放胆，宜于两可莫粗心" which roughly translates to "A difficult decision for an important matter requires bold action, but it's worth it to consider carefully and deliberately when the two options are equally viable." So for a difficult situation like that I think it's always right to be steadfast and follow the heart.
- gsk 15y ago
  Reading 'Still Alice' by Lisa Genova has helped me. http://www.stillalice.blogspot.co.uk/ http://www.stillalice.blogspot.co.uk/ Edit: Link.
j45 15y ago
Ed It really is a gift. Our definition of self has become so short sighted that doing the right thing becomes a challenge for anyone to remember. Imagine trying to do the right thing in a startup, if we aren't practicing it in every day life with every thought and action. Seeing my parents getting a little older is tough. Where they used to take me to all my doctors appointments whenever I needed it, now more and more, I'm taking them. Why's this important? Priorities and balance and making the most of your time is so important. In waiting rooms I see maybe one in 10 adults accompanied by their kids. My parents are comfortable going to appointments without me, so it means a lot they even ask me, maybe to see the same feeling of finding a familiar face in the waiting room, or someone to help remember what the doctor said. Sadly we have a generation that feels its ok to believe everything is about us, at the expense of being there for others who are greatly responsible for our greatness. Some of the deepest, satisfying moments are when I get to be witness to someone's story. Doing the right thing is for the sake of the right thing being done, not how someone takes it, sees it, or expects you to be there for them. There inevitably are things that need to be done regardless of personalities and positions. I hope we never forget to find and live by our values that give us a deep sense of connection with ourselves and through it to those in our lives. All we have at the end of the day is making memories. Everything can go to hell but you can revisit a memory anytime, and keep creating new ones.
olalonde 15y ago
Does "always do the right thing" mean "listen to your heart, not your head"?
deleted 15y ago
[deleted]
hef19898 15y ago
What my personal experience told me so far, there are always situations that only happen once. then you can do the right thing or you don't, so be carefull how you react in situations like this since they can change the course of your history. the trick is to recognize these moments, but that#s when you do the right thing, so I agrre with you. As the of hagakure put it (cited from my memory and translated twice...): treat important thing lightly and treat unimprtant ones with all the seriousness you have. It took me some hard decissions and situations to slowly get this and it seems like death is best teacher for that you can imagine. So we all should learn from other peoples mistakes and lessons, espacially if it's almost impossible to make them by yourself.
jonah 15y ago
And then watch Kathryn Schulz's TEDx talk on the psychology of regret and why it's OK: http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2011/12/05/kathryn-schulz-regret-ted/ http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2011/12/05/kathryn-sc...
ojr 15y ago
Do the Right Thing like Spike Lee
pragmatte 15y ago
Always do the right thing, even if it's the wrong thing. Just don't be afraid.

by edw519 15y ago

Mz 15y ago

You did the right thing (re your mother) for the right reason, not merely out of some sense of duty. It's hard to get that across. Many people seem to think that "Do the right thing" means they should dutifully sacrifice themselves. I don't think it does. I rarely know how to express it properly. I hope your story helps make it clearer for some people.

js2 15y ago

"Always do the right thing" - I can't think of a more concise definition of a mensch.

mattmanser 15y ago

Brilliant, always do the right thing. So catchy and yet so utterly useless at the same time. You sound just like the 'seduction' experts, 'confidence, that's what gets the girl'. My mum had an episode where she quite literally went mad. We spent a couple of weeks visiting her every day as she was confused, scared and angry. At some point I turned to my sister and said 'we have to go home, our lives have to go on'. The irony being that 'home' was 100 miles away from where my mum lives as my sister had met her husband a year earlier visiting me. Your story is touching and totally fucking stupid at the same time. My to-do list for tomorrow has 'Get loo roll, book a ticket for Splendour festival, vote'. Your to-do list sucks ass as it doesn't actually meet your real life needs. And did I do the right thing? I'll never know, I still feel like a shit as she screamed that the nurses were hurting her. Humiliated, ignored. Maybe they did? Lies I hope. I will never, ever know. Alzheimer's? She won't even remember what you did, you're doing it for nothing more than your own conscience. We are living in a very, very odd time where our parents are turning into our children. EDIT: The reason I had to write this is that your experience seems to me at odds with points 1, 3 & 5 of the list. And the horrible thing is it's going to get worse for all of us here on HN in the next 40 years. Medicine has put us in a very awkward position, one of being able to maintain the body when the mind went long ago. Or (imo worse) maintaining the body and mind when the reasons to live have gone. My friend's grandma openly talks about wanting to die as all her friends are dead. But does my friend's Mum want her Mum to die? Of course not. This is a very odd time.

karterk 15y ago
Your to-do list sucks ass as it doesn't actually meet your real life needs. Maybe it does to him. He was just sharing his experience, not preaching everyone to do what he does.
cstross 15y ago
it's going to get worse for all of us here on HN in the next 40 years. Medicine has put us in a very awkward position, one of being able to maintain the body when the mind went long ago. Or (imo worse) maintaining the body and mind when the reasons to live have gone. My friend's grandma openly talks about wanting to die as all her friends are dead. But does my friend's Mum want her Mum to die? Of course not. This is a very odd time. Preach it. (Those who downvoted you obviously didn't read far enough.)

davemel37 15y ago

My mother went through years of taking care of her aging mother with Alzheimer's and made many sacrifices. So much so that she made each of my siblings and myself promise her that if she ever got Alzheimer's we would put her in a home and move on. She can't bear the thought of putting her children through the pain she endured. Odds are, if G-Forbid this ever happened, we would be by her side every day, telling ourselves it is the right thing. It's the least we could do after all she has done and continues to do for us.... But it makes me wonder... What would your mother prefer? What would have made her happier? What choice would she have made for you if it was up to her? Human nature is an interesting thing. Always presenting conflict every step of the way. The right thing can and will almost always be a representation of what your heart desires. The weird part is, the more important the decision, the easier it usually is and the choice is more obvious. The hard decisions usually are not that important, but rather a scenario with both options are legitimately justifiable, and both choices can be justified or vilified.

jiakeliu 15y ago
There's an old Chinese idiom that says "事到万难须放胆，宜于两可莫粗心" which roughly translates to "A difficult decision for an important matter requires bold action, but it's worth it to consider carefully and deliberately when the two options are equally viable." So for a difficult situation like that I think it's always right to be steadfast and follow the heart.
gsk 15y ago
Reading 'Still Alice' by Lisa Genova has helped me. http://www.stillalice.blogspot.co.uk/ http://www.stillalice.blogspot.co.uk/ Edit: Link.

j45 15y ago

Ed It really is a gift. Our definition of self has become so short sighted that doing the right thing becomes a challenge for anyone to remember. Imagine trying to do the right thing in a startup, if we aren't practicing it in every day life with every thought and action. Seeing my parents getting a little older is tough. Where they used to take me to all my doctors appointments whenever I needed it, now more and more, I'm taking them. Why's this important? Priorities and balance and making the most of your time is so important. In waiting rooms I see maybe one in 10 adults accompanied by their kids. My parents are comfortable going to appointments without me, so it means a lot they even ask me, maybe to see the same feeling of finding a familiar face in the waiting room, or someone to help remember what the doctor said. Sadly we have a generation that feels its ok to believe everything is about us, at the expense of being there for others who are greatly responsible for our greatness. Some of the deepest, satisfying moments are when I get to be witness to someone's story. Doing the right thing is for the sake of the right thing being done, not how someone takes it, sees it, or expects you to be there for them. There inevitably are things that need to be done regardless of personalities and positions. I hope we never forget to find and live by our values that give us a deep sense of connection with ourselves and through it to those in our lives. All we have at the end of the day is making memories. Everything can go to hell but you can revisit a memory anytime, and keep creating new ones.

olalonde 15y ago

Does "always do the right thing" mean "listen to your heart, not your head"?

deleted 15y ago

[deleted]

hef19898 15y ago

What my personal experience told me so far, there are always situations that only happen once. then you can do the right thing or you don't, so be carefull how you react in situations like this since they can change the course of your history. the trick is to recognize these moments, but that#s when you do the right thing, so I agrre with you. As the of hagakure put it (cited from my memory and translated twice...): treat important thing lightly and treat unimprtant ones with all the seriousness you have. It took me some hard decissions and situations to slowly get this and it seems like death is best teacher for that you can imagine. So we all should learn from other peoples mistakes and lessons, espacially if it's almost impossible to make them by yourself.

jonah 15y ago

And then watch Kathryn Schulz's TEDx talk on the psychology of regret and why it's OK: http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2011/12/05/kathryn-schulz-regret-ted/ http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2011/12/05/kathryn-sc...

ojr 15y ago

Do the Right Thing like Spike Lee

pragmatte 15y ago

Always do the right thing, even if it's the wrong thing. Just don't be afraid.