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Saying, "I'm sorry; I've made a mistake" is the killer disarming technique for even the most emotional conflict. Not sure if it's our pride or fear of liability

Saying, "I'm sorry; I've made a mistake" is the killer disarming technique for even the most emotional conflict. Not sure if it's our pride or fear of liability but western culture is very hesitant to say "sorry" - other than the fake one "I'm sorry if anyone interpreted my actions|remarks|words as ..." - that doesn't count.

jeffhuys 3y ago
Do NOT do this too much, though. I did this in my last relationship and it turned into resentment from me, while she walked all over me, knowing I would say sorry for everything. It wasn’t her fault, I should’ve protected my values more, but this is a slippery slope. However, my next partner in my opinion should take this and say something like “no, this is not your fault. Let’s work on it”. It could go both ways. I can never change though; saying sorry is too simple for me
- nlitened 3y ago
  > she walked all over me > It wasn’t her fault Sir, I don't know you at all, but coming from personal experience, if you often get walked over, maybe it's time to stop taking shape of a door mat. Maybe it _was_ her fault, and you deserve better.
  - alias_neo 3y ago
    > maybe it's time to stop taking shape of a door mat I'm sorry, I know this is a serious discussion, but this made me laugh. I need to use this in the future.
    - 5n00py 3y ago
      I would agree on this from experience, even though I would agree with the initial statement as well. The advice applies for some parts in life but not all social contexts.
- dayjaby 3y ago
  Admitting weakness gets exploited very easily by people. Me: Sorry, I forgot about some details about the stuff I was working on last month. Him: Your memory is so bad. I can literally remember all the details of the last 6 months. Try to become more like me.
  - datadrivenangel 3y ago
    And this is a great asshole filter.
    - fuzztester 3y ago
      google boss brain asshole joke
grouseway 3y ago
I know this is a tangent, but if anything, western culture is better about this. We're not an "honor" culture, and we don't warp family relationships to "save face". People are not even allowed to apologize in some other cultures because it brings shame on their family/group. To give a really grotesque example, there is an country run by autocrats that carelessly unleashed a plague on the world because they prioritized their self image over taking descisive action to prevent an epidemic.
- spicymaki 3y ago
  There are plenty of examples of honor culture within western culture, such as the Antebellum South. Dueling was huge amongst the aristocratic cultures of Europe and US (see Alexander Hamilton). It is certainly making a comeback today. In the US specifically certain people were against mask mandates to the point where they actually banned people wearing masks during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic. Masks became a point of contention where some people needed to defend the family/group from wearing them at any cost.
theonething 3y ago
> but western culture is very hesitant to say "sorry" This is very wrong. Eastern/Asian culture with its obsession with saving face is the culture where saying sorry is anathema.
- mrweasel 3y ago
  It's also very Japanese to say "sorry" and accepting blame I believe. That might be what they mean with by "Asian culture", but it's certainly doesn't apply to all of Asia. Years ago we started to get basic introduction into Chinese culture, so that we could better navigate situations with a Chinese customer. This helped to better understand requirements and defuse certain situations. I've NEVER experience Chinese or Indian companies go to the same length, instead they will frequently attempt to bullshit their way out of situations or be offended that you believe that their product/service might in some way be at fault and they sure as hell won't apologize for it, under any circumstances.
- cgrealy 3y ago
  Just don’t generalise about massive groups of people? “Eastern” and “western” culture are not monoblocs.
  - fuzztester 3y ago
    "culture" itself is a stupid generalization
- david-gpu 3y ago
  > Eastern/Asian culture with its obsession with saving face is the culture where saying sorry is anathema Ever been to Japan?

jeffhuys 3y ago

Do NOT do this too much, though. I did this in my last relationship and it turned into resentment from me, while she walked all over me, knowing I would say sorry for everything. It wasn’t her fault, I should’ve protected my values more, but this is a slippery slope. However, my next partner in my opinion should take this and say something like “no, this is not your fault. Let’s work on it”. It could go both ways. I can never change though; saying sorry is too simple for me

nlitened 3y ago
> she walked all over me > It wasn’t her fault Sir, I don't know you at all, but coming from personal experience, if you often get walked over, maybe it's time to stop taking shape of a door mat. Maybe it _was_ her fault, and you deserve better.
- alias_neo 3y ago
  > maybe it's time to stop taking shape of a door mat I'm sorry, I know this is a serious discussion, but this made me laugh. I need to use this in the future.
  - 5n00py 3y ago
    I would agree on this from experience, even though I would agree with the initial statement as well. The advice applies for some parts in life but not all social contexts.
dayjaby 3y ago
Admitting weakness gets exploited very easily by people. Me: Sorry, I forgot about some details about the stuff I was working on last month. Him: Your memory is so bad. I can literally remember all the details of the last 6 months. Try to become more like me.
- datadrivenangel 3y ago
  And this is a great asshole filter.
  - fuzztester 3y ago
    google boss brain asshole joke

grouseway 3y ago

I know this is a tangent, but if anything, western culture is better about this. We're not an "honor" culture, and we don't warp family relationships to "save face". People are not even allowed to apologize in some other cultures because it brings shame on their family/group. To give a really grotesque example, there is an country run by autocrats that carelessly unleashed a plague on the world because they prioritized their self image over taking descisive action to prevent an epidemic.

spicymaki 3y ago
There are plenty of examples of honor culture within western culture, such as the Antebellum South. Dueling was huge amongst the aristocratic cultures of Europe and US (see Alexander Hamilton). It is certainly making a comeback today. In the US specifically certain people were against mask mandates to the point where they actually banned people wearing masks during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic. Masks became a point of contention where some people needed to defend the family/group from wearing them at any cost.

theonething 3y ago

> but western culture is very hesitant to say "sorry" This is very wrong. Eastern/Asian culture with its obsession with saving face is the culture where saying sorry is anathema.

mrweasel 3y ago
It's also very Japanese to say "sorry" and accepting blame I believe. That might be what they mean with by "Asian culture", but it's certainly doesn't apply to all of Asia. Years ago we started to get basic introduction into Chinese culture, so that we could better navigate situations with a Chinese customer. This helped to better understand requirements and defuse certain situations. I've NEVER experience Chinese or Indian companies go to the same length, instead they will frequently attempt to bullshit their way out of situations or be offended that you believe that their product/service might in some way be at fault and they sure as hell won't apologize for it, under any circumstances.
cgrealy 3y ago
Just don’t generalise about massive groups of people? “Eastern” and “western” culture are not monoblocs.
- fuzztester 3y ago
  "culture" itself is a stupid generalization
david-gpu 3y ago
> Eastern/Asian culture with its obsession with saving face is the culture where saying sorry is anathema Ever been to Japan?