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As someone with a very small family I sometimes lament the fact that friendships, no matter how significant or long-lasting, are not held in the same regard as

As someone with a very small family I sometimes lament the fact that friendships, no matter how significant or long-lasting, are not held in the same regard as technical familial relationships. Maybe this will change as the demographics continue to change, but I feel like we lacking the language to acknowledge it. I have several friends who have kids that refer to me as "uncle", which I love, but it still feels like the wrong label because we traditionally restrict special nouns like that to blood or legal relations.

NoMoreNicksLeft 3y ago
Part of the problem with that is that in the modern world, we use the word "friend" too quickly, too easily, and continue to use it even after that person has demonstrated that they are not friends. If you have acquaintances that you call friends, quite subconsciously you'll have less regard for them than for family. And that might actually color how you'd regard true friends. I've only ever had a handful of friends in my entire half-century life. An exceptional person might have 8 or 10 or something like that. I doubt that most people have had any at all. The modern world isn't very good at cultivating real friendships.
- anon291 3y ago
  Also friendship is way too atomized. My parents had friends we called aunt and uncle and the entire family was friends. It's not a relationship between individuals, but between families, like marriage.
- c22 3y ago
  My cousins all died from meth and alcohol before any of them reached the age of fifty, but after bleeding my parents of significant sums of money. I hold my friends in much higher regard.
  - NoMoreNicksLeft 3y ago
    So, your family held the cousins in such low regard that they self-medicated and fell off the edge of the world... somehow they're the ones that caused you to hold your friends in higher regard? You speak from bitterness that they've done you wrong, but did you ever do them right in the first place? Which of your friends would stick with you if things got tough? Which would let their lives go off the rails for a chance to put yours back on them? What norms would they flout to protect you, in other words, which of them could you call certain they'd help you get rid of the body? I'm guessing none.
rayiner 3y ago
It’s not considered the same because it’s not the same. In traditional societies, kinship networks allow this web of interdependency that just makes life easier. It’s not just the depth of the relationships, but the breadth. Your friends are probably the same age as you, work in similar jobs, etc. That’s not true of your kin, who will be in a range of aged and different life stages that can support you, or whom you can support. Two of my mom’s sisters lived with us between college and when they got married. How many people do you know that are say 5 years older who would let you move in with them for years? How many would watch your kids every day for months? How many of your friends are going to attend your parents’ funeral?
- standardUser 3y ago
  I would ask those same questions about cousins. The funeral one seems irrelevant/circumstantial, but the others imply a person who is willing and able to make personal sacrifices for another person. I'm fortunate to have many of friends who meet those criteria, and maybe one cousin that does. I'd also say that though friendships tend to be very homogenous by age when we're young, that can change considerably as we get older. But because longevity is one of the key factors in any relationship, most of my closest friends are +/- 3 years of me. And in support of your point, it's often when we're young and mostly have young friends that we need support, and those friends are not likely to be in a great position to help. EDIT: I actually did get help from friends' parents as a kid! As well as an adult "family friend". Those types of connections shouldn't be overlooked.
- hollerith 3y ago
  And yet most of humanity's scientific and technological progress happened in a part of the world (Western Europe from about 1500 to 1900) with relatively weak kinship networks by world-historical standards.
  - rayiner 3y ago
    I’m just pointing out that friendship networks are a treated differently than kinship networks because they are. Hard to deny the economic effectiveness of the western model, however.
anon291 3y ago
In the culture I'm from (indian), it's not at all abnormal to call dads and moms friends uncle and auntie. It took me forever to realize our godparents weren't related to us even though we called them uncle and aunty. So your last statements only true if you restrict the 'we' you're talking about.
- pests 3y ago
  Agreed. I, an American, have a small family and have many "adopted" family relationships - an ex of my mother I call uncle, his ex wife incall grandma, etc. It works out and no one is surprised or confused when I clarify they aren't really blood family.

NoMoreNicksLeft 3y ago

Part of the problem with that is that in the modern world, we use the word "friend" too quickly, too easily, and continue to use it even after that person has demonstrated that they are not friends. If you have acquaintances that you call friends, quite subconsciously you'll have less regard for them than for family. And that might actually color how you'd regard true friends. I've only ever had a handful of friends in my entire half-century life. An exceptional person might have 8 or 10 or something like that. I doubt that most people have had any at all. The modern world isn't very good at cultivating real friendships.

anon291 3y ago
Also friendship is way too atomized. My parents had friends we called aunt and uncle and the entire family was friends. It's not a relationship between individuals, but between families, like marriage.
c22 3y ago
My cousins all died from meth and alcohol before any of them reached the age of fifty, but after bleeding my parents of significant sums of money. I hold my friends in much higher regard.
- NoMoreNicksLeft 3y ago
  So, your family held the cousins in such low regard that they self-medicated and fell off the edge of the world... somehow they're the ones that caused you to hold your friends in higher regard? You speak from bitterness that they've done you wrong, but did you ever do them right in the first place? Which of your friends would stick with you if things got tough? Which would let their lives go off the rails for a chance to put yours back on them? What norms would they flout to protect you, in other words, which of them could you call certain they'd help you get rid of the body? I'm guessing none.

rayiner 3y ago

It’s not considered the same because it’s not the same. In traditional societies, kinship networks allow this web of interdependency that just makes life easier. It’s not just the depth of the relationships, but the breadth. Your friends are probably the same age as you, work in similar jobs, etc. That’s not true of your kin, who will be in a range of aged and different life stages that can support you, or whom you can support. Two of my mom’s sisters lived with us between college and when they got married. How many people do you know that are say 5 years older who would let you move in with them for years? How many would watch your kids every day for months? How many of your friends are going to attend your parents’ funeral?

standardUser 3y ago
I would ask those same questions about cousins. The funeral one seems irrelevant/circumstantial, but the others imply a person who is willing and able to make personal sacrifices for another person. I'm fortunate to have many of friends who meet those criteria, and maybe one cousin that does. I'd also say that though friendships tend to be very homogenous by age when we're young, that can change considerably as we get older. But because longevity is one of the key factors in any relationship, most of my closest friends are +/- 3 years of me. And in support of your point, it's often when we're young and mostly have young friends that we need support, and those friends are not likely to be in a great position to help. EDIT: I actually did get help from friends' parents as a kid! As well as an adult "family friend". Those types of connections shouldn't be overlooked.
hollerith 3y ago
And yet most of humanity's scientific and technological progress happened in a part of the world (Western Europe from about 1500 to 1900) with relatively weak kinship networks by world-historical standards.
- rayiner 3y ago
  I’m just pointing out that friendship networks are a treated differently than kinship networks because they are. Hard to deny the economic effectiveness of the western model, however.

anon291 3y ago

In the culture I'm from (indian), it's not at all abnormal to call dads and moms friends uncle and auntie. It took me forever to realize our godparents weren't related to us even though we called them uncle and aunty. So your last statements only true if you restrict the 'we' you're talking about.

pests 3y ago
Agreed. I, an American, have a small family and have many "adopted" family relationships - an ex of my mother I call uncle, his ex wife incall grandma, etc. It works out and no one is surprised or confused when I clarify they aren't really blood family.