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The problem is that sometimes humility and compassion are not what's needed. Sometimes a person needs a kick in the pants. A close friend willing to tell you to
by darkerside 3y ago
The problem is that sometimes humility and compassion are not what's needed. Sometimes a person needs a kick in the pants. A close friend willing to tell you to stop impulse buying furniture, or get a fucking job, or get off your ass and work out.
The tricky part is knowing when which tactic is called for.
- squigz 3y agoHave you ever told a friend that and them respond with something along the lines of, "You know, I'd never thought of that. I'm just going to go get a job. Thanks!"? Me neither.
- brvsft 3y agoYou don't tell your friend to get a job. You tell your friend they sound like a miserable fuck and some of their problems are of their own making.
- darkerside 3y agoI have given hard truths to friends before. If you care about someone, there's a point where you need to. Even if they don't respond well in the moment, truth once heard cannot be unheard.
- PeterisP 3y agoIf your friend is screwing up their life and you are enabling them by validating their bad choices, you're not being a good friend to them. Close friends are pretty much the only ones who are in a position of trust to be able to deliver harsh truths to someone in a way that actually gets through (unlike internet strangers, media, authorities and in many cases also family), so it's the duty of friends to actually do so when needed.
- squigz 3y agoNobody's making the case for enabling bad choices - I just don't think being an asshole is the only alternative. I also don't know anyone in a similar situation who isn't acutely aware of the situation - they don't need their friends constantly giving them the most obvious advice in the world, they need support.
- darkerside 3y agoIf you're going through a tough time and need compassion, don't mistake that for thinking everybody in every situation always needs compassion
- bradjohnson 3y agoCounterpoint: Literally nobody needs 'darkerside' from hackernews to tell them to "get a fucking job".
- darkerside 3y agoI can read between the lines... Get a job Brad! :-D
- bradjohnson 3y agoI'm overburdened with employment already, unfortunately, but duly noted.
- squigz 3y agoI don't think I said that. Likewise, though, if you're too blind to notice your own bad behavior, don't mistake that for everyone else being too blind to notice their own behavior. I'm also not really sure why you're playing this card, since I referenced other people in my previous comment... but oh well.
- darkerside 3y ago
- flipgimble 3y agoIts fairly obvious that an anonymous stranger on the internet, or a politician proselytizing for their punative economic policies is _not_ that type of friend. But it seems some people derive a great deal of satisfaction out of imaginging themselves as knowing better how people should live their lives.
- darkerside 3y agoIt may not be a much better approach than pandering and patronizing their feelings, but it's probably at least a little bit better.
- bradjohnson 3y agoUnsolicited internet judgement and condescending advice is worse than nothing and significantly worse than compassion. Too many people on the internet are way too over confident in their assessment of others' situations, and I dare say that with your 'tough love' position on this, you may be one of them.
- darkerside 3y agoHa! I'm not telling anyone (else) on here to "get a job". I'm saying there may be someone in your life that needs to hear something painful. Maybe just once, at the right time.
- bradjohnson 3y agoSure, but it requires a relationship and deep knowledge about their situation. I think we're talking about different things. Talk to your friends however works for the situation and your relationship with them. However, If some rando tells me to do something either obvious or pointless in a condescending way (which is pretty much what the article is talking about, and very common even in this comment section talking about it) it is 100% of the time way more harmful than helpful.
- 3y ago