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Ask HN: Need ethical advice on separation involving illness
My partner recently left me after 12 years, we were never married and have a 10 year old daughter together. She told me the reason was that "this relationship isn't working for me anymore". The problem is that she suffers from schizo-affective disorder and major depression and as a result stopped working 10 years ago. Her state was so bad since she stopped working that she was unable to do any house work, very little help with our kid etc. whilst I had to work relentlessly to grow a small business to pay for everything, whilst at the same time doing the house work and raising our kid. The balance was about 95/5.
Now she is demanding 50% of my business which she obviously has no legal right to since we were never married and which I feel is extremely unfair and even disrespectful. However I feel very conflicted on what to do ethically. Her disorder and consequent behavior cost me immeasurable stress, I supported her throughout her illness in every way I knew possible, sacrificing the growth of my company and my dreams in the process, and then she walked out on me.
Yet I know she obviously didn't bring this illness upon herself and in many ways I feel desperately sorry for her and worry about how she will support herself as the mother of my child. And I need to consider the impact of my decision on my daughter. I feel like I need to consult with some sort of ethical counselor on how to proceed with a financial settlement so I can put this behind me, I only want what is right and fair.
Can anyone recommend where I can look for help or have any advice for me?
- I_Am_Nous 3y agoSorry to hear this is happening, it sounds like you have been doing everything you could to support both your daughter and partner. It doesn't sound like she has any kind of equity in the business as she didn't help you with it, but most likely you will be required to pay child support for your daughter if she will be living with her mother. Depending on your state/country there may be pre-emptive paperwork you can file for child support to ensure there is no question on your willingness to provide for your daughter.
- momo89 3y agoThanks, our daughter lives with me, the mother isn't capable of looking after her for longer than a few hours at a time. I'm still financially supporting my ex-partner 100%. I'm based in the UK.
- I_Am_Nous 3y agoThe way you feel is justified, but it takes intentional effort to not allow that to consume you somewhat. Focusing on the hurt can make you vulnerable to negative feelings toward the mother, and as a child of divorce I can advise that you do your best to not speak ill of the mother around or to your daughter. The bar for what a child will understand as negative depends on the child, but even small frustration based complaints can hurt. There is always a chance the mother will experience a reversal of whatever mental health change may have precipitated this behavior, and wish to come back. As you mentioned, it's not like she picked her mental health condition. It sounds like you've been very patient with the situation, for a while, so good on you :) I hope the situation improves.
- jesusatea55 3y ago[dead]