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I've personally had about half of the parents I know tell me "never have kids." Their kids have not been at any consistent age when they've told me this, so I d

by madrox 3y ago

I've personally had about half of the parents I know tell me "never have kids." Their kids have not been at any consistent age when they've told me this, so I don't think it's simply about the stress of rearing a very young child. The other half of parents haven't said whether to have kids or not.

Log_out_ 3y ago
So kids are basically just a condensed version of:" don't expose yourself to the economic realities and dependence on societys fabric"?
sho_hn 3y ago
My example will be as anecdotal as yours: I have many friends who are parents, and many who are not. Neither group appears to be more or less happy or fortunate, on average. I personally don't know any parents who regret having their children, but that doesn't mean they haven't known hardship or bad luck, including when it comes to their kids. However, I also have child-free friends who are deeply troubled or unhappy. On the whole, I've concluded it isn't a big factor. I tend to find my friends who are parents are more productive in their 30s and 40s than those who don't have kids, because it forced them to learn planning and time management, and their non-kid activities benefited as well. I think this may be compelling to many on HN.
- mlyle 3y ago
  The tradeoff you make is kind of wack. If you have kids, you're committing to an experience that is more full of meaning and joy than anything else you can do. But a huge fraction of the time is just work or suck-- far more than you get to revel in that meaning and joy. And you give up a lot of other options. And there's no escape from the struggle. (I'm a father of 3 boys; they're awesome; I don't regret my choice. Though, it would be 10x better if I could have the best of both worlds and take a true break for a week or two every now and then ;)
- deleted 3y ago
  [deleted]
Aurornis 3y ago
> I've personally had about half of the parents I know tell me "never have kids." People say that to communicate or exaggerate how much work they’re doing as a parent. They might also be fishing for sympathy or trying to signal that they want you to cut them some slack. Personally, I’ve lost patience for parents who think they’re martyrs or who think that complaining about their kids is a great casual conversation topic. As a parent of young children myself I find I’m much happier spending time with other parents who acknowledge that parent is work, but aren’t fishing for sympathy or pretending to be martyrs at every turn. Yeah, parenting is more work than not being a parent, but people who pretend like it’s the end of their lives or the worst thing in the world are just unnecessarily cynical or have a martyrdom complex.
- catlover76 3y ago
  > Yeah, parenting is more work than not being a parent, but people who pretend like it’s the end of their lives or the worst thing in the world are just unnecessarily cynical or have a martyrdom complex. Probably. But also seems to me very likely to be a lack of proper orientation in what considers good, ascribes value to, etc.
- Teever 3y ago
  Have you ever considered that people are different experiences being a parent that depend on the myriad of other factors in their life? I bet the single most important factor in determining how difficult people find parent to be is money.
  - RestlessMind 3y ago
    You might lose that bet. Availability of social support structure plays a far bigger role in many parts of the world. I first hand know many poor people who had kids but it was easy because they had a wide social circle to help raise their kids.
- yougrinch 3y ago
  [dead]
low_tech_love 3y ago
I don’t know if by that you mean that this is a factor that influences you, but if so, please try not to ascribe so much meaning to what people say. Sometimes it’s just chit chat. I’d be extremely surprised (and horrified) if even a tiny percentage of parents actually regret having kids, let alone 50%. I mean of course if that makes your decision easier go ahead, but my bet is that it’s simply not true.
nvm0n2 3y ago
I've heard that too. A substantial number of the people who told me that went on to have more kids afterwards.
hellisothers 3y ago
Are you sure they’re not telling you, specifically, not to have kids? :)
RestlessMind 3y ago
> I've personally had about half of the parents I know tell me "never have kids." That might be about you, specifically?
Fire-Dragon-DoL 3y ago
This might sound stupid but as a parent, we think a lot about our kids and if you ask me to talk about them, I'm going to talk for hours. For that reason I try to avoid it unless prompted, and I don't recommend children unless prompted. That being said, I wouldn't feel anywhere this fulfilled if I didn't have children, I haven't regretted having them. I would have probably gone up to 4 if society did not make it this hard (economically speaking but many things become annoying too). There is so much free time without children, no doubt. Doing nothing on the weekend is a pleasure I can only enjoy in small chunks, since I usually must do something for them.
AviationAtom 3y ago
Don't have kids if you don't feel over the top about having them, make sure the person you choose to have them with is the right one, and make sure you fully understand all that is involved in having kids.

by madrox 3y ago

Log_out_ 3y ago

So kids are basically just a condensed version of:" don't expose yourself to the economic realities and dependence on societys fabric"?

sho_hn 3y ago

My example will be as anecdotal as yours: I have many friends who are parents, and many who are not. Neither group appears to be more or less happy or fortunate, on average. I personally don't know any parents who regret having their children, but that doesn't mean they haven't known hardship or bad luck, including when it comes to their kids. However, I also have child-free friends who are deeply troubled or unhappy. On the whole, I've concluded it isn't a big factor. I tend to find my friends who are parents are more productive in their 30s and 40s than those who don't have kids, because it forced them to learn planning and time management, and their non-kid activities benefited as well. I think this may be compelling to many on HN.

mlyle 3y ago
The tradeoff you make is kind of wack. If you have kids, you're committing to an experience that is more full of meaning and joy than anything else you can do. But a huge fraction of the time is just work or suck-- far more than you get to revel in that meaning and joy. And you give up a lot of other options. And there's no escape from the struggle. (I'm a father of 3 boys; they're awesome; I don't regret my choice. Though, it would be 10x better if I could have the best of both worlds and take a true break for a week or two every now and then ;)
deleted 3y ago
[deleted]

Aurornis 3y ago

> I've personally had about half of the parents I know tell me "never have kids." People say that to communicate or exaggerate how much work they’re doing as a parent. They might also be fishing for sympathy or trying to signal that they want you to cut them some slack. Personally, I’ve lost patience for parents who think they’re martyrs or who think that complaining about their kids is a great casual conversation topic. As a parent of young children myself I find I’m much happier spending time with other parents who acknowledge that parent is work, but aren’t fishing for sympathy or pretending to be martyrs at every turn. Yeah, parenting is more work than not being a parent, but people who pretend like it’s the end of their lives or the worst thing in the world are just unnecessarily cynical or have a martyrdom complex.

catlover76 3y ago
> Yeah, parenting is more work than not being a parent, but people who pretend like it’s the end of their lives or the worst thing in the world are just unnecessarily cynical or have a martyrdom complex. Probably. But also seems to me very likely to be a lack of proper orientation in what considers good, ascribes value to, etc.
Teever 3y ago
Have you ever considered that people are different experiences being a parent that depend on the myriad of other factors in their life? I bet the single most important factor in determining how difficult people find parent to be is money.
- RestlessMind 3y ago
  You might lose that bet. Availability of social support structure plays a far bigger role in many parts of the world. I first hand know many poor people who had kids but it was easy because they had a wide social circle to help raise their kids.
yougrinch 3y ago
[dead]

low_tech_love 3y ago

I don’t know if by that you mean that this is a factor that influences you, but if so, please try not to ascribe so much meaning to what people say. Sometimes it’s just chit chat. I’d be extremely surprised (and horrified) if even a tiny percentage of parents actually regret having kids, let alone 50%. I mean of course if that makes your decision easier go ahead, but my bet is that it’s simply not true.

nvm0n2 3y ago

I've heard that too. A substantial number of the people who told me that went on to have more kids afterwards.

hellisothers 3y ago

Are you sure they’re not telling you, specifically, not to have kids? :)

RestlessMind 3y ago

> I've personally had about half of the parents I know tell me "never have kids." That might be about you, specifically?

Fire-Dragon-DoL 3y ago

This might sound stupid but as a parent, we think a lot about our kids and if you ask me to talk about them, I'm going to talk for hours. For that reason I try to avoid it unless prompted, and I don't recommend children unless prompted. That being said, I wouldn't feel anywhere this fulfilled if I didn't have children, I haven't regretted having them. I would have probably gone up to 4 if society did not make it this hard (economically speaking but many things become annoying too). There is so much free time without children, no doubt. Doing nothing on the weekend is a pleasure I can only enjoy in small chunks, since I usually must do something for them.

AviationAtom 3y ago

Don't have kids if you don't feel over the top about having them, make sure the person you choose to have them with is the right one, and make sure you fully understand all that is involved in having kids.