3 ms·

Here's a prelude I'd add: work out if you really want kids before you have kids. I mean, if you really want kids or it's expected, you're doing it because your

• dgfitz 3y ago
  > If you're just going to put them in front of screens, in school, in after-school care, etc so you don't actually have to devote attention to them then don't have them. School and aftercare help teach kids social skills and a modicum of independence. Children socializing with a variety of other children is such an important thing, I cannot overstate this enough. My folks restricted the fuck our of screens when I was a kid, it actively stunted my social life. I didn't see all the shows my friends watched and couldn't relate/participate in these conversations, same with videogames. It was something that took me a while to move past in terms of resentment. My kids know how much my spouse and I love them. We spend a lot of quality time together with them. Giving a child undivided attention as much as possible is, in my experience, NOT a good thing. Kids then rely on the parent solely for entertainment and distraction. They don't learn how to play independently, or with siblings/other kids. They don't learn to bounce back up after a fall because they know $parent is always there to pick them up, or how to navigate a disagreement with a peer, because $parent is always there to moderate. > Creating a new generation of people who have to work through the trauma of not really being wanted is best avoided. Creating a new generation of people who haven't learned how to be independent and self-sufficient is far, far worse. Kids can tell if you love and care about them, it has nothing to do with aftercare. I strongly disagree with your assessment.
  • jmyeet 3y ago
    You're reliving your childhood trauma. It's OK. We all do it. We just need to learn to recognize it and deal with it as best as we can. I say this because you seem to take my point personally and are shadow boxing with a point I never made. Did I say "don't send your kid to school"? Did I say "never let your kid in front of a screen"? No, of course not. There is, for example, a vast difference between playing Xbox with your child vs letting them sit all day in their room on Roblox. My point is that I see so many people (too many people) use screens as babysitters, work long hours to "provide" and keep their kids in the care of other people all their waking hours without actually spending ANY time with them. None of those things are objectively bad. It's only bad when you're using them as an excuse to avoid giving children your time and attention because, in reality, you don't actually want children.
    • robocat 3y ago
      > You're reliving your childhood trauma Jeepers - you seem to be fixating a lot on this "childhood trauma" idea. My guess is that you are responding to someone who would never apply those words to that situation (seemed like normal teenage stuff to me). Obviously HN is a terrible forum to have any reasonable discussion about the cause of your fixation. Context: I think that there's a whole psych industry that survives by ruminating on personal problems: the industry and it's participants are incentivised to addict people to their tripe. The right amount of psych thinking is healthy: dosage defines a poison.
• circlefavshape 3y ago
  > Spend an hour on /r/regretfulparents and see it resonates at all Holy shit, that's some depressing stuff I didn't particularly want kids, but my wife really wanted them. Took me some time to adjust, and when they're very little it's a real slog, but ... well, they're just people, people who are biologically pre-disposed to love you very much, and who you are biologically pre-disposed to love very much. The enormous amount of love that comes into your life when you're a parent is the upside of the whole thing that's invisible to non-parents