I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but I do really, really recommend talking to a therapist about depression. The feelings you describe make a l

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but I do really, really recommend talking to a therapist about depression. The feelings you describe make a lot of sense given your experiences, but there may be ways to recapture some of the sublimity you pursued, at least in small ways. Maybe medication can help. (If you're so inclined, psychedelics can provide a drastically novel perspective.)