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I believe strongly that maladaptive behaviours like tantrums require the presence of another caring, supportive person to help establish and nurture positive ad

I believe strongly that maladaptive behaviours like tantrums require the presence of another caring, supportive person to help establish and nurture positive adaptations. If the individual hasn't learned to manage their emotions safely and constructively, it's unlikely that they'll suddenly figure out better ways of behaving without having it modelled or otherwise shown to them. A big part of tantrums in my experience is that a child is overwhelmed and has no idea how to express what they need. Usually the tantrum is not a great indicator of what the child needs. They say they need the iPad or fruit loops. What they actually need is layered under that, and they're likely unaware of it. Walking away from them won't help them uncover that, nor will it help them feel like these bad feelings are manageable. Occasionally you need to walk away because none of us are perfect. I think if we want actual growth and progress though, we have to meet these things head on and help our kids learn better ways to live, feel, and adapt. This is a hard answer because this is usually non-trivial and arguably something many of us as adults haven't fully figured out, either. We've all got bad behaviours we still hold on to from our early days. Who are we to work these things out with our kids? And yet, this is why so many maladaptive behaviours propagate down through generations. It doesn't go away if you don't step up to it.

zrail 3y ago
> Usually the tantrum is not a great indicator of what the child needs. They say they need the iPad or fruit loops. What they actually need is layered under that, and they're likely unaware of it. I have had success with "body scans" where I start at the top of their head and ask "how does your brain feel" and then proceed all the way to their toes (sometimes being sillily specific about, say, the tip of their left pinky finger or whatever). Usually this reveals something about their body that they were unaware of. Hungry, thirsty, headache, something else hurts, etc. Once we have some physical needs we can address them we can move forward, and if there aren't any then we move on to emotional needs.
- steve_adams_86 3y ago
  The physical assessment is pretty useful as an adult, too. I suppose one of the tricky things as adults is that quite often, the physical deprivations are caused by emotional issues. Not always, but it’s not uncommon. Regardless, you won’t make progress on anything without some rest, nutrition, and a little help figuring out what’s bothering you. Being human can be hard.
nucleardog 3y ago
> I believe strongly that maladaptive behaviours like tantrums require the presence of another caring, supportive person to help establish and nurture positive adaptations. If the individual hasn't learned to manage their emotions safely and constructively, it's unlikely that they'll suddenly figure out better ways of behaving without having it modelled or otherwise shown to them. Yes. At those sorts of ages they literally don't know how to manage the emotions they're feeling. Hell, often enough they may be _entirely new emotions_--they don't even know the words to put to them to begin to express them or ask for help. It is absolutely your job as their parent to teach them this stuff. Teach them what feelings are. Teach them to recognize the feelings. Teach them how to cope with the feelings. If you don't, who's going to? Walking away because they're overwhelmed by unfamiliar emotions and haven't learned any coping strategies is just throwing your kid in the deep end of the pool and walking away figuring "eh, they'll either learn to swim or they'll drown. they'll probably learn to swim.".

zrail 3y ago

> Usually the tantrum is not a great indicator of what the child needs. They say they need the iPad or fruit loops. What they actually need is layered under that, and they're likely unaware of it. I have had success with "body scans" where I start at the top of their head and ask "how does your brain feel" and then proceed all the way to their toes (sometimes being sillily specific about, say, the tip of their left pinky finger or whatever). Usually this reveals something about their body that they were unaware of. Hungry, thirsty, headache, something else hurts, etc. Once we have some physical needs we can address them we can move forward, and if there aren't any then we move on to emotional needs.

steve_adams_86 3y ago
The physical assessment is pretty useful as an adult, too. I suppose one of the tricky things as adults is that quite often, the physical deprivations are caused by emotional issues. Not always, but it’s not uncommon. Regardless, you won’t make progress on anything without some rest, nutrition, and a little help figuring out what’s bothering you. Being human can be hard.

nucleardog 3y ago

> I believe strongly that maladaptive behaviours like tantrums require the presence of another caring, supportive person to help establish and nurture positive adaptations. If the individual hasn't learned to manage their emotions safely and constructively, it's unlikely that they'll suddenly figure out better ways of behaving without having it modelled or otherwise shown to them. Yes. At those sorts of ages they literally don't know how to manage the emotions they're feeling. Hell, often enough they may be _entirely new emotions_--they don't even know the words to put to them to begin to express them or ask for help. It is absolutely your job as their parent to teach them this stuff. Teach them what feelings are. Teach them to recognize the feelings. Teach them how to cope with the feelings. If you don't, who's going to? Walking away because they're overwhelmed by unfamiliar emotions and haven't learned any coping strategies is just throwing your kid in the deep end of the pool and walking away figuring "eh, they'll either learn to swim or they'll drown. they'll probably learn to swim.".