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I think you’re either someone who has suffered abuse and haven’t yet unlearned the effects of it, or you haven’t suffered abuse from a child and doesn’t have fi

I think you’re either someone who has suffered abuse and haven’t yet unlearned the effects of it, or you haven’t suffered abuse from a child and doesn’t have firsthand experience on how much it damages you. Is the world often stressful and scary? Yes. But the lessons that trauma teaches a child do not help the adult manage fear nor stress. For example: a child who has to care for their alcoholic parent can risk growing into an adult that doesn’t know when they’re being taken advantage because they were literally taken advantage of since childhood. A child who was severely beaten at the slightest infraction risks growing up into an adult that cannot handle even minor conflict because they associate being disagreed with to broken bones.

lazide 3y ago
Oh I’m well aware. Some have those results. Some have the opposite results and lean into learning how to handle those situations. That is also a very common reaction. Firefighters, EMTs, Nurses, Paramedics, LEO, smoke jumpers, and many Soldiers of all stripes have the same backgrounds. 80%+ in my experience. A surprising (perhaps) numbers of skydivers and climbers too. Including the West Point graduates, special forces (officers and enlisted), SWAT members, ICU and ED nurses, etc. that I’ve known personally. And several CEOs of tech companies. One that I know who I personally saw beaten (as a child) at the slightest infraction or none at all until I stepped in (as a child myself) to stop it, became a decorated officer in USSOCOM and did multiple combat tours in Afghanistan. And at least two (now) Majors and a Colonel I’ve known since they were kids. The world is not as simple as it appears. Most folks who end up in uncommon places did so because they experienced uncommon things and learned lessons from it that most people never will have the chance to learn. Folks who haven’t learned those lessons tend to not survive many of those places for long.
- giraffe_lady 3y ago
  > Some have those results. Some have the opposite results and lean into learning how to handle those situations. That is also a very common reaction. Childhood trauma is a routine area of clinical specialization because it is so common, and I've never known anyone in that field to hold this position. Anecdotally sure yes plenty of traumatized children become successful adults but very simply and grimly most do not. Extreme survivorship bias at play here, often literally. And separately I am not sure, in this context, considering what we now know about the behavior of american soldiers in afghanistan, that people being drawn to that environment or succeeding within it is evidence of anything positive about them.
  - lazide 3y ago
    Since psychology is expressly about dysfunction, it is a reverse survivorship bias no? And not like anyone who has gone through these situations is going to hang a sign on them that says what they’ve gone through. All of them I know have been quite successful however, and if you walk into any ICU or Emergency department and randomly sample a nurse or Dr, at least 80% odds you’ll find they have that background if you can get them to talk. EMT-B or EMT-P, much higher. The world is a dangerous and scary place many times, for everyone. Chances are, you’d be shocked if you listened to your local EMS/LEO frequencies at how much even within a few miles of where you are sitting. Most of the time, society is able to put up a facade so there is a chance everyone doesn’t have to experience it too directly or too terribly themselves, so others have a chance to live a different life. The sick and injured get treated, the bodies get cleaned up, the threats get dealt with quickly and effectively, etc. The people that do that, can stare it in the eye and deal with it, and that often is because they experienced it and learned how to cope or even thrive. Usually as a child. Respect for that is more warranted than what you’re doing. They get enough shit as it is. They can handle it though, they deal with worse every day.
    - giraffe_lady 3y ago
      Frankly I have gone through this and I have not been successful. It has held me back in every moment and every step through life. In support groups with other survivors I hear the same things over and over again: grief and loss at the people we could have been. More than a few of your "successful" high achievement individuals in those rooms in tears with the same sentiment.
      - lazide 3y ago
        I’m sorry to hear you are still suffering. I’ve been there, and yes those high achievement individuals often have too at some point. Part of the problem is that we often focus on what could have been, instead of the wins of what was, no? Part of what makes things hard though, is if we never process/feel the bad things, we can’t move on. When we process the pain, we can start to let go, and the wins start to come through. It becomes a past, not a present. We can start to see the truth of what is in front of us, instead of getting stuck in an illusion. Some learned/were able to earlier, some later. In my experience. We can look at the future more than relive the past. Some avoid it, and that is often where true evil takes root. ‘Toughing it out’ works in the moment, but adds up over time until we hit our limits. The longer the pain stays in, the more it calcifies. Often, if it’s ‘stuck’ it’s due to something that is very difficult to see due to how bad it is. No one comes through life without some grief and loss and pain, literally no one. Some get more than others, some handle it more than others. In the end, we’re all dirt anyway - what matters is what we do with the time we have. I hope you find some peace. It is possible, but it is often not natural. If you’re still struggling, there may be alternatives that can help. They do often take time and money. I’m happy to provide some pointers or references if you’d like. No guarantees, but I have had some significant personal relief as have others. It is possible.

lazide 3y ago

Oh I’m well aware. Some have those results. Some have the opposite results and lean into learning how to handle those situations. That is also a very common reaction. Firefighters, EMTs, Nurses, Paramedics, LEO, smoke jumpers, and many Soldiers of all stripes have the same backgrounds. 80%+ in my experience. A surprising (perhaps) numbers of skydivers and climbers too. Including the West Point graduates, special forces (officers and enlisted), SWAT members, ICU and ED nurses, etc. that I’ve known personally. And several CEOs of tech companies. One that I know who I personally saw beaten (as a child) at the slightest infraction or none at all until I stepped in (as a child myself) to stop it, became a decorated officer in USSOCOM and did multiple combat tours in Afghanistan. And at least two (now) Majors and a Colonel I’ve known since they were kids. The world is not as simple as it appears. Most folks who end up in uncommon places did so because they experienced uncommon things and learned lessons from it that most people never will have the chance to learn. Folks who haven’t learned those lessons tend to not survive many of those places for long.

giraffe_lady 3y ago
> Some have those results. Some have the opposite results and lean into learning how to handle those situations. That is also a very common reaction. Childhood trauma is a routine area of clinical specialization because it is so common, and I've never known anyone in that field to hold this position. Anecdotally sure yes plenty of traumatized children become successful adults but very simply and grimly most do not. Extreme survivorship bias at play here, often literally. And separately I am not sure, in this context, considering what we now know about the behavior of american soldiers in afghanistan, that people being drawn to that environment or succeeding within it is evidence of anything positive about them.
- lazide 3y ago
  Since psychology is expressly about dysfunction, it is a reverse survivorship bias no? And not like anyone who has gone through these situations is going to hang a sign on them that says what they’ve gone through. All of them I know have been quite successful however, and if you walk into any ICU or Emergency department and randomly sample a nurse or Dr, at least 80% odds you’ll find they have that background if you can get them to talk. EMT-B or EMT-P, much higher. The world is a dangerous and scary place many times, for everyone. Chances are, you’d be shocked if you listened to your local EMS/LEO frequencies at how much even within a few miles of where you are sitting. Most of the time, society is able to put up a facade so there is a chance everyone doesn’t have to experience it too directly or too terribly themselves, so others have a chance to live a different life. The sick and injured get treated, the bodies get cleaned up, the threats get dealt with quickly and effectively, etc. The people that do that, can stare it in the eye and deal with it, and that often is because they experienced it and learned how to cope or even thrive. Usually as a child. Respect for that is more warranted than what you’re doing. They get enough shit as it is. They can handle it though, they deal with worse every day.
  - giraffe_lady 3y ago
    Frankly I have gone through this and I have not been successful. It has held me back in every moment and every step through life. In support groups with other survivors I hear the same things over and over again: grief and loss at the people we could have been. More than a few of your "successful" high achievement individuals in those rooms in tears with the same sentiment.
    - lazide 3y ago
      I’m sorry to hear you are still suffering. I’ve been there, and yes those high achievement individuals often have too at some point. Part of the problem is that we often focus on what could have been, instead of the wins of what was, no? Part of what makes things hard though, is if we never process/feel the bad things, we can’t move on. When we process the pain, we can start to let go, and the wins start to come through. It becomes a past, not a present. We can start to see the truth of what is in front of us, instead of getting stuck in an illusion. Some learned/were able to earlier, some later. In my experience. We can look at the future more than relive the past. Some avoid it, and that is often where true evil takes root. ‘Toughing it out’ works in the moment, but adds up over time until we hit our limits. The longer the pain stays in, the more it calcifies. Often, if it’s ‘stuck’ it’s due to something that is very difficult to see due to how bad it is. No one comes through life without some grief and loss and pain, literally no one. Some get more than others, some handle it more than others. In the end, we’re all dirt anyway - what matters is what we do with the time we have. I hope you find some peace. It is possible, but it is often not natural. If you’re still struggling, there may be alternatives that can help. They do often take time and money. I’m happy to provide some pointers or references if you’d like. No guarantees, but I have had some significant personal relief as have others. It is possible.