7 ms·

Show HN: I made a 30-day social anxiety challenge

51 points by toomasb 3y ago

happygoluckee 3y ago
I started getting spam emails after signing up for this service
KronisLV 3y ago
> Basically, he went to a therapist and they told him to confront himself with increasingly uncomfortable social situations. It was horrible but he managed to do it. This does sound like survivorship bias, because you hear about the success stories where people successfully confront their issues and overcome them, not the people who fail miserably until they can no longer keep trying that approach. You also don't hear about people who fail and feel worse because the only things they've heard are success stories and that make them feel more broken. Edit: perhaps using "survivorship bias" (it also originally said confirmation bias, it was early, my bad) is too strong of a suggestion here, it's just that people will react to different situations differently, not every approach will work for everyone and if nothing else, it's nice to remember that. I went through that in university, decided to go to a tabletop game evening with complete strangers, had a breakdown, went back to the dorms and cried. Tried going to a few other hangouts, same outcome, feeling worse every single time, not better, which lead to lots of negative thoughts. I guess it might have been committing to doing too much, but the people were pretty chill and I still couldn't do it. Same with things like random small talk. I guess I was lucky enough to have a group of friends that I opened up to and eventually got better at certain social settings - nowadays basically everything work related and things like giving presentations is a non-issue, where I feel like I have a "goal" and the terms for that social interaction are well understood, versus freeform interaction with strangers, that I've never handled well. > After a few months and many more challenges, the therapist told him: "Do not, under any circumstance, accept isolation again. That will drive even a sociable person into introversion. Avoid it like the plague. There will be minor set backs, but we are now all equipped with the knowledge and techniques to overcome them - along with the memory that we've conquered it before." Every time we face the fear, and decide to go through with it anyway, we become a little bit stronger. Some people get stronger, others get worse. I'm not saying that this isn't worth a shot, it probably is - but also consider seeing a professional who can advise on different things to try, identify patterns of thinking that could become an issue and how to address those, or possibly even certain medication should your brain chemistry need a little help to function better. Possibly even multiple healthcare professionals or different types of medication (if needed), until you find something that actually works for you. Guess this is a bit of a vulnerable moment, but at the same time I don't entirely buy the expectation that exposure therapy of this sort will work for everyone and always, or that people should go in believing it will. The advice of gradually ramping up seems good, as does actually trying to do something (anything) about it, though.
- Ensorceled 3y ago
  > > Basically, he went to a therapist and they told him to confront himself with increasingly uncomfortable social situations. It was horrible but he managed to do it. > This does sound like confirmation bias, because you hear about the success stories where people successfully confront their issues and overcome them, not the people who fail miserably until they can no longer keep trying that approach. You also don't hear about people who fail and feel worse because the only things they've heard are success stories and that make them feel worse. Well ... exposure therapy is an actual therapeutic technique that is used to successfully treat social anxiety and is usually one of the first methods tried, often as part of a CBT process, so let's not all jump on the "confirmation bias" band wagon. An anecdote is not data but an anecdote doesn't magically somehow prove the opposite. As a fellow SAD sufferer, I'm trying not to be too harsh, but you clearly have a serious version of SAD, so applying your situation to this self-help site is a bit over the top. Yes, this may not work for a particular individual, but if you are having breakdowns you shouldn't be self managing your disorder anyway.
  - CoastalCoder 3y ago
    I think you and the GP both make good points. It seems like what we're really missing here is solid data about the success rate for the author's approach.
    - going_north 3y ago
      Another important point is that exposure therapy needs to be tailored to your particular level of discomfort. If you do too little it clearly won't have any effect, but on the other hand, if you go too hard it can make your anxiety or phobias worse.
      - Ensorceled 3y ago
        Yeah, I signed up to see the progression. I presume that a ramp up may start off too easy for some people but will eventually start challenging without going overboard.
noufalibrahim 3y ago
This sounds perfectly reasonable. Strikes me as being the opposite of "safe spaces" in many ways.
- HPsquared 3y ago
  "Controlled danger"
- toyg 3y ago
  Indeed. Humans only progress when they face their fears, rather than run from them. See also: the most racist people are typically ones living in areas with low diversity. Once you meet your fears embodied, you realize they're not that scary after all. This said, I'm sure some neurological configurations are simply unable to change, and can only derive more stress from being forced to. But surely they are a minuscule amount.
Pufferbo 3y ago
The site does not work well on mobile. I had to turn my phone into landscape in order to focus the email field.
- toomasb 3y ago
  Thanks for the feedback, will fix!
pattle 3y ago
I have a stammer which I think stems from severe social anxiety as a child. I used to be part of speech therapy program that has a similar ethos. 90% of stammering if just psychological so they say the only way to beat it is to face your fear e.g stammering on purpose but in a controlled way. Easier said that done though and it's easy to regress.
- toomasb 3y ago
  I agree, it's a muscle you have to keep training, but it does become easier over time imho :)
- stranded22 3y ago
  Oh, that’s interesting! I had one too - I notice it start to come out when I am very tired/very overly caffeinated or stressed. I think it’s only me that notices just because I am hyper aware (which probably emphasises it more in my head). I slow my speech down too as I found it was my brain running faster than I could talk and I didn’t know how to get the words out.
- hbs18 3y ago
  A weird thing that worked for me was, after seeing The King's Speech, I experimented with putting chewing gum under my tongue and speaking. To my surprise, could notice a pretty significant improvement.
grvdrm 3y ago
I tried two different emails: nothing arriving in my inbox to complete the sign-up. Not an encouraging first step. I'd love to see what this is about.
- toomasb 3y ago
  Sorry, I'm having trouble with the email provider so will email everyone manually for now :) Hope to get it working asap!
InfiniteRand 3y ago
One of the frustrating things I have found about my social anxiety is that it seems to reset every time I take a break from being socially active. There have been periods of my life where I spent every other week traveling and talking to people, but put me at home for a month or two, my anxiety is as bad as it ever was. The simple common sense solution is to maintain regular relationships, make it a habit of calling people, but that’s where my depression makes things rough. It’s annoying, I am not saying my life is particularly difficult, especially compared to others, I have family, friends and a good career, but this stuff in my head does get annoying sometimes
- toomasb 3y ago
  I very much relate, I also feel like I have friends and family that care about me, but the anxiousness keeps coming back from time to time. It's hard to beat it completely.
- jraby3 3y ago
  I try very hard to always schedule at least one social interaction a day. It doesn’t always work but it definitely helps avoid that reset that you are referring to.
- Ensorceled 3y ago
  Yeah, I thought I had "cured" myself of social anxiety using similar exposure techniques and then covid hit and, well, suddenly things were (are) difficult again.
- cardanome 3y ago
  Thank you for sharing that, I can relate to that. I did really well until Covid hit and now I feel like all my progress has been reset. It is just so much harder when you know it is something you have to maintain all your live or you will lose it instead of something you can just solve once and for all. Plus, I have the paradoxical form for social anxiety where I am mostly nervous around close friends and the like while I don't really care about presenting to total strangers. So I can easily be read as cold and arrogant because the anxiety is less obvious. Plus maintaining relationships isn't exactly my strength.
stranded22 3y ago
This isn’t to say that social anxiety is something you can just get over, but I attend Toastmasters. It has helped me significantly with keeping the social anxiety in check - regularly meeting a large group of people and speaking in front of them (and getting advice/ help along the way)
Weryj 3y ago
Starting to feel like my news feed is personalized ;)
marginalia_nu 3y ago
I think expectations are important here. Sometimes you see people taking this type of advice and throwing themselves into various uncomfortable situations, only to conclude that man, these situations sure are uncomfortable, I guess this must mean that I really am irredeemably socially awkward. Realistically, uncomfortable situations are still going to be uncomfortable. You may expand your comfort zone through exposure, but when you're way outside of it, that never feels great. I'd also suggest a therapist is a great way to work through anxiety issues. It's very difficult to debug your brain on your own. It's very hard to tell what's just part of the baseline human experience, and what's a problem that you could benefit from working on.
eddtries 3y ago
What is the minimum thing that counts as a social interaction, I wonder? Saying hello? Small talk? Coffee? Lunch?
Clubber 3y ago
For my wife, social interaction is like air, she needs it to be healthy. For me, it's like water; I can enjoy it but I get tired after being in water for too long. It's like anything, the more you do it the better shape you are in. The less you do it, the less shape you are in.
quikoa 3y ago
"Woohoo! Check your inbox for further instructions " Checking inbox... Nothing yet after 5 minutes. Not in spam folder either.
- toomasb 3y ago
  Sorry about that! Sending everyone a mail manually because issues with email provider :/
  - cvhashim04 3y ago
    Also nothing in my inbox yet, been waiting a while. I’m sure you got a flood of sign ups :)
    - toomasb 3y ago
      Should have arrived by now, I got Mailchimp working! It's a bit hectic today yes :p quite unexpected
lm28469 3y ago
Midjourney strikes again, a man with tentacle drinks a coffee from which tiny birds escape. https://www.socialanxietychallenge.com/logo.png https://www.socialanxietychallenge.com/logo.png
- toomasb 3y ago
  Busted :)
  - lm28469 3y ago
    Ehe no worries I'd do the same for that kind of project/at that stage. If you have the time/will a bit of photoshop would eliminate most of the issues
    - rickmode 3y ago
      Maybe a bit more hand for the woman. She’s got a bit of a stump going on there. But otherwise I like the image!
bambax 3y ago
Social anxiety is a strange thing, or maybe it's several different things. I have zero problem speaking before many people, being either serious or ridiculous; demonstrating the use of a condom on a cucumber would be fun and cause me no anxiety at all. But I would rather rip off my arm than initiate talk with a random stranger at a party. In fact my anxiety seems to be inversely proportional to the number of people I talk to. This probably has a name? but if it does I don't know what it is.
- tysam_and 3y ago
  One has a natural wall and gives you a lot of control over the situation, the other is intensely vulnerable with a high lyapunov exponent -- i.e., 'it could go anywhere'. And 'anywhere' includes a lot of very scary places.
  - Ntrails 3y ago
    > One has a natural wall and gives you a lot of control over the situation, My favourite new year was working behind the bar and chatting to all the partygoers (some regulars some not). I was supposed to be socialising once food was served, but instead I just poured drinks and chatted shit and it was _great_. I had a purpose and a place and it made it so easy. I'd have lasted less than 15 minutes in the general area before going home
    - bambax 3y ago
      Ha! Super interesting! I tend to have the same experience. If I have a role or a function, or some character to play it's much easier. If it's just me being me, serving no special purpose, it's terrifying.
- vidarh 3y ago
  Similar. I've held plenty of speeches and presentations in front of anything from dozens to hundreds of people and never as much as a hint of stagefright, and have no problem making a total fool of myself on a dance floor as long as I can treat people there as a crowd, but addressing someone individually is stressful. To their example of "sex ed", I've done that in front of my high school class. It didn't bother me at all. But I'd hesitate before initiating a conversation with any of my classmates individually even after having been in the same class as them for several years. But also, for me at least, it's mostly approaching a stranger that causes me anxiety. > This probably has a name? but if it does I don't know what it is. In "pick up" circles it at least used to be described as approach anxiety. I read quite a bit of that kind of material while trying to get a handle on my own social anxiety, and while most of that material ranges from just shit to shit and misogynist, there are some useful tips to take from it. The repeat exposure starting with something really small that the linked site suggests is one of them, and does work to an extent, but while 30 days might work for some, it might be way too little for others - people shouldn't be discouraged if it's too fast. E.g. I spent many months dealing with mine. For weeks I'd go out and force myself to do really inane things like just asking people the time, or directions, which used to be sufficient to set off my anxiety - I'd go to great lengths to make do without having to ask someone for help. Later I'd start trying to greet cashiers and bus drivers etc.. That was actually very interesting but ultimately I ended up choosing to dial it back. The reason being that it worked too well. Turns out a whole lot of people in service jobs are really starved for attention, and give it to them and on one hand it likely be a very positive experience: After living the same place for (at that point) ~15 years or so, none of the bus drivers paid me any attention. A couple of weeks after I started that experiment it turned out one of them went to my gym and started talking to me regularly. I'd suddenly notice people rush to open a till for me where I was buying my lunch just because I'd started asking how they were and they suddenly remembered me. People would pour out their life stories. But the thing is, I'm deeply introverted. It was nice to connect with some more people. I enjoy social contact to an extent. But it was also exhausting. And I realised that as much as I was happy as I felt my anxiety for starting a conversation dissipate, and enjoyed many of the conversations, I didn't want to engage in as many conversations as I got into, so I dialled it way back. (Notably, the anxiety dissipating did nothing to make it less tiring) But it's nice to find it easier to when I do want to, and it has made me more conscious about making an effort to pay attention to people and be friendlier when I have the energy.
JCharante 3y ago
[dead]
benjijay 3y ago
Very interesting idea, will see how this goes when the email comes in!
deleted 3y ago
[deleted]
TomaszZielinski 3y ago
A few years ago I started my own battle with social anxiety, which I'd had for my whole life. At that time I couldn't really name the problem and I didn't know how to approach it, so I started searching for podcasts--self-help, psychology, you name it. I found a podcast named "Feeling Good", co-hosted by dr. David Burns, author of a book with the same title. And without much exaggeration, it changed my emotional life (or at the very least: it started/kicked off the process of change). Just in case it might help someone, I quickly search for "shame attacking exercises" (technical name for making yourself look stupid in front of people :)) on dr. Burn's page and found this: https://feelinggood.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/3a407-shame-attackng-v-1.pdf https://feelinggood.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/3a407-sha... IMPORTANT: Theres a whole theory behind exposure (which shame attacking is) and if you do it incorrectly, it can make things worse (for instance, if someone starts laughing at you, your anxiety might worsen). So if you're in a rough place, or unsure if it's for you, better do it under therapist's supervision!
deleted 3y ago
[deleted]
skip_region 3y ago
Awesome idea! Long time lurker! Org psychologist by trade, unemployed right now. If you need additional help or ideas, let me know! Would love to volunteer my time to help you succeed!
- toomasb 3y ago
  Thanks for the kind words :) Let's discuss! Contact info in profile
dbg31415 3y ago
What's the cost? It says "70% off" but doesn't show the actual price anywhere. What's up with that? You are dealing with a bunch of anxious people, I would think up-front information would go a long way! (=

51 points by toomasb 3y ago

I started getting spam emails after signing up for this service

> Basically, he went to a therapist and they told him to confront himself with increasingly uncomfortable social situations. It was horrible but he managed to do it. This does sound like survivorship bias, because you hear about the success stories where people successfully confront their issues and overcome them, not the people who fail miserably until they can no longer keep trying that approach. You also don't hear about people who fail and feel worse because the only things they've heard are success stories and that make them feel more broken. Edit: perhaps using "survivorship bias" (it also originally said confirmation bias, it was early, my bad) is too strong of a suggestion here, it's just that people will react to different situations differently, not every approach will work for everyone and if nothing else, it's nice to remember that. I went through that in university, decided to go to a tabletop game evening with complete strangers, had a breakdown, went back to the dorms and cried. Tried going to a few other hangouts, same outcome, feeling worse every single time, not better, which lead to lots of negative thoughts. I guess it might have been committing to doing too much, but the people were pretty chill and I still couldn't do it. Same with things like random small talk. I guess I was lucky enough to have a group of friends that I opened up to and eventually got better at certain social settings - nowadays basically everything work related and things like giving presentations is a non-issue, where I feel like I have a "goal" and the terms for that social interaction are well understood, versus freeform interaction with strangers, that I've never handled well. > After a few months and many more challenges, the therapist told him: "Do not, under any circumstance, accept isolation again. That will drive even a sociable person into introversion. Avoid it like the plague. There will be minor set backs, but we are now all equipped with the knowledge and techniques to overcome them - along with the memory that we've conquered it before." Every time we face the fear, and decide to go through with it anyway, we become a little bit stronger. Some people get stronger, others get worse. I'm not saying that this isn't worth a shot, it probably is - but also consider seeing a professional who can advise on different things to try, identify patterns of thinking that could become an issue and how to address those, or possibly even certain medication should your brain chemistry need a little help to function better. Possibly even multiple healthcare professionals or different types of medication (if needed), until you find something that actually works for you. Guess this is a bit of a vulnerable moment, but at the same time I don't entirely buy the expectation that exposure therapy of this sort will work for everyone and always, or that people should go in believing it will. The advice of gradually ramping up seems good, as does actually trying to do something (anything) about it, though.

Ensorceled 3y ago
> > Basically, he went to a therapist and they told him to confront himself with increasingly uncomfortable social situations. It was horrible but he managed to do it. > This does sound like confirmation bias, because you hear about the success stories where people successfully confront their issues and overcome them, not the people who fail miserably until they can no longer keep trying that approach. You also don't hear about people who fail and feel worse because the only things they've heard are success stories and that make them feel worse. Well ... exposure therapy is an actual therapeutic technique that is used to successfully treat social anxiety and is usually one of the first methods tried, often as part of a CBT process, so let's not all jump on the "confirmation bias" band wagon. An anecdote is not data but an anecdote doesn't magically somehow prove the opposite. As a fellow SAD sufferer, I'm trying not to be too harsh, but you clearly have a serious version of SAD, so applying your situation to this self-help site is a bit over the top. Yes, this may not work for a particular individual, but if you are having breakdowns you shouldn't be self managing your disorder anyway.
- CoastalCoder 3y ago
  I think you and the GP both make good points. It seems like what we're really missing here is solid data about the success rate for the author's approach.
  - going_north 3y ago
    Another important point is that exposure therapy needs to be tailored to your particular level of discomfort. If you do too little it clearly won't have any effect, but on the other hand, if you go too hard it can make your anxiety or phobias worse.
    - Ensorceled 3y ago
      Yeah, I signed up to see the progression. I presume that a ramp up may start off too easy for some people but will eventually start challenging without going overboard.

noufalibrahim 3y ago

This sounds perfectly reasonable. Strikes me as being the opposite of "safe spaces" in many ways.

HPsquared 3y ago
"Controlled danger"
toyg 3y ago
Indeed. Humans only progress when they face their fears, rather than run from them. See also: the most racist people are typically ones living in areas with low diversity. Once you meet your fears embodied, you realize they're not that scary after all. This said, I'm sure some neurological configurations are simply unable to change, and can only derive more stress from being forced to. But surely they are a minuscule amount.

Pufferbo 3y ago

The site does not work well on mobile. I had to turn my phone into landscape in order to focus the email field.

toomasb 3y ago
Thanks for the feedback, will fix!

pattle 3y ago

I have a stammer which I think stems from severe social anxiety as a child. I used to be part of speech therapy program that has a similar ethos. 90% of stammering if just psychological so they say the only way to beat it is to face your fear e.g stammering on purpose but in a controlled way. Easier said that done though and it's easy to regress.

toomasb 3y ago
I agree, it's a muscle you have to keep training, but it does become easier over time imho :)
stranded22 3y ago
Oh, that’s interesting! I had one too - I notice it start to come out when I am very tired/very overly caffeinated or stressed. I think it’s only me that notices just because I am hyper aware (which probably emphasises it more in my head). I slow my speech down too as I found it was my brain running faster than I could talk and I didn’t know how to get the words out.
hbs18 3y ago
A weird thing that worked for me was, after seeing The King's Speech, I experimented with putting chewing gum under my tongue and speaking. To my surprise, could notice a pretty significant improvement.

grvdrm 3y ago

I tried two different emails: nothing arriving in my inbox to complete the sign-up. Not an encouraging first step. I'd love to see what this is about.

toomasb 3y ago
Sorry, I'm having trouble with the email provider so will email everyone manually for now :) Hope to get it working asap!

InfiniteRand 3y ago

One of the frustrating things I have found about my social anxiety is that it seems to reset every time I take a break from being socially active. There have been periods of my life where I spent every other week traveling and talking to people, but put me at home for a month or two, my anxiety is as bad as it ever was. The simple common sense solution is to maintain regular relationships, make it a habit of calling people, but that’s where my depression makes things rough. It’s annoying, I am not saying my life is particularly difficult, especially compared to others, I have family, friends and a good career, but this stuff in my head does get annoying sometimes

toomasb 3y ago
I very much relate, I also feel like I have friends and family that care about me, but the anxiousness keeps coming back from time to time. It's hard to beat it completely.
jraby3 3y ago
I try very hard to always schedule at least one social interaction a day. It doesn’t always work but it definitely helps avoid that reset that you are referring to.
Ensorceled 3y ago
Yeah, I thought I had "cured" myself of social anxiety using similar exposure techniques and then covid hit and, well, suddenly things were (are) difficult again.
cardanome 3y ago
Thank you for sharing that, I can relate to that. I did really well until Covid hit and now I feel like all my progress has been reset. It is just so much harder when you know it is something you have to maintain all your live or you will lose it instead of something you can just solve once and for all. Plus, I have the paradoxical form for social anxiety where I am mostly nervous around close friends and the like while I don't really care about presenting to total strangers. So I can easily be read as cold and arrogant because the anxiety is less obvious. Plus maintaining relationships isn't exactly my strength.

stranded22 3y ago

This isn’t to say that social anxiety is something you can just get over, but I attend Toastmasters. It has helped me significantly with keeping the social anxiety in check - regularly meeting a large group of people and speaking in front of them (and getting advice/ help along the way)

Weryj 3y ago

Starting to feel like my news feed is personalized ;)

marginalia_nu 3y ago

I think expectations are important here. Sometimes you see people taking this type of advice and throwing themselves into various uncomfortable situations, only to conclude that man, these situations sure are uncomfortable, I guess this must mean that I really am irredeemably socially awkward. Realistically, uncomfortable situations are still going to be uncomfortable. You may expand your comfort zone through exposure, but when you're way outside of it, that never feels great. I'd also suggest a therapist is a great way to work through anxiety issues. It's very difficult to debug your brain on your own. It's very hard to tell what's just part of the baseline human experience, and what's a problem that you could benefit from working on.

eddtries 3y ago

What is the minimum thing that counts as a social interaction, I wonder? Saying hello? Small talk? Coffee? Lunch?

Clubber 3y ago

For my wife, social interaction is like air, she needs it to be healthy. For me, it's like water; I can enjoy it but I get tired after being in water for too long. It's like anything, the more you do it the better shape you are in. The less you do it, the less shape you are in.

quikoa 3y ago

"Woohoo! Check your inbox for further instructions " Checking inbox... Nothing yet after 5 minutes. Not in spam folder either.

toomasb 3y ago
Sorry about that! Sending everyone a mail manually because issues with email provider :/
- cvhashim04 3y ago
  Also nothing in my inbox yet, been waiting a while. I’m sure you got a flood of sign ups :)
  - toomasb 3y ago
    Should have arrived by now, I got Mailchimp working! It's a bit hectic today yes :p quite unexpected

lm28469 3y ago

Midjourney strikes again, a man with tentacle drinks a coffee from which tiny birds escape. https://www.socialanxietychallenge.com/logo.png https://www.socialanxietychallenge.com/logo.png

toomasb 3y ago
Busted :)
- lm28469 3y ago
  Ehe no worries I'd do the same for that kind of project/at that stage. If you have the time/will a bit of photoshop would eliminate most of the issues
  - rickmode 3y ago
    Maybe a bit more hand for the woman. She’s got a bit of a stump going on there. But otherwise I like the image!

bambax 3y ago

Social anxiety is a strange thing, or maybe it's several different things. I have zero problem speaking before many people, being either serious or ridiculous; demonstrating the use of a condom on a cucumber would be fun and cause me no anxiety at all. But I would rather rip off my arm than initiate talk with a random stranger at a party. In fact my anxiety seems to be inversely proportional to the number of people I talk to. This probably has a name? but if it does I don't know what it is.

tysam_and 3y ago
One has a natural wall and gives you a lot of control over the situation, the other is intensely vulnerable with a high lyapunov exponent -- i.e., 'it could go anywhere'. And 'anywhere' includes a lot of very scary places.
- Ntrails 3y ago
  > One has a natural wall and gives you a lot of control over the situation, My favourite new year was working behind the bar and chatting to all the partygoers (some regulars some not). I was supposed to be socialising once food was served, but instead I just poured drinks and chatted shit and it was _great_. I had a purpose and a place and it made it so easy. I'd have lasted less than 15 minutes in the general area before going home
  - bambax 3y ago
    Ha! Super interesting! I tend to have the same experience. If I have a role or a function, or some character to play it's much easier. If it's just me being me, serving no special purpose, it's terrifying.
vidarh 3y ago
Similar. I've held plenty of speeches and presentations in front of anything from dozens to hundreds of people and never as much as a hint of stagefright, and have no problem making a total fool of myself on a dance floor as long as I can treat people there as a crowd, but addressing someone individually is stressful. To their example of "sex ed", I've done that in front of my high school class. It didn't bother me at all. But I'd hesitate before initiating a conversation with any of my classmates individually even after having been in the same class as them for several years. But also, for me at least, it's mostly approaching a stranger that causes me anxiety. > This probably has a name? but if it does I don't know what it is. In "pick up" circles it at least used to be described as approach anxiety. I read quite a bit of that kind of material while trying to get a handle on my own social anxiety, and while most of that material ranges from just shit to shit and misogynist, there are some useful tips to take from it. The repeat exposure starting with something really small that the linked site suggests is one of them, and does work to an extent, but while 30 days might work for some, it might be way too little for others - people shouldn't be discouraged if it's too fast. E.g. I spent many months dealing with mine. For weeks I'd go out and force myself to do really inane things like just asking people the time, or directions, which used to be sufficient to set off my anxiety - I'd go to great lengths to make do without having to ask someone for help. Later I'd start trying to greet cashiers and bus drivers etc.. That was actually very interesting but ultimately I ended up choosing to dial it back. The reason being that it worked too well. Turns out a whole lot of people in service jobs are really starved for attention, and give it to them and on one hand it likely be a very positive experience: After living the same place for (at that point) ~15 years or so, none of the bus drivers paid me any attention. A couple of weeks after I started that experiment it turned out one of them went to my gym and started talking to me regularly. I'd suddenly notice people rush to open a till for me where I was buying my lunch just because I'd started asking how they were and they suddenly remembered me. People would pour out their life stories. But the thing is, I'm deeply introverted. It was nice to connect with some more people. I enjoy social contact to an extent. But it was also exhausting. And I realised that as much as I was happy as I felt my anxiety for starting a conversation dissipate, and enjoyed many of the conversations, I didn't want to engage in as many conversations as I got into, so I dialled it way back. (Notably, the anxiety dissipating did nothing to make it less tiring) But it's nice to find it easier to when I do want to, and it has made me more conscious about making an effort to pay attention to people and be friendlier when I have the energy.

JCharante 3y ago

[dead]

benjijay 3y ago

Very interesting idea, will see how this goes when the email comes in!

deleted 3y ago

[deleted]

TomaszZielinski 3y ago

A few years ago I started my own battle with social anxiety, which I'd had for my whole life. At that time I couldn't really name the problem and I didn't know how to approach it, so I started searching for podcasts--self-help, psychology, you name it. I found a podcast named "Feeling Good", co-hosted by dr. David Burns, author of a book with the same title. And without much exaggeration, it changed my emotional life (or at the very least: it started/kicked off the process of change). Just in case it might help someone, I quickly search for "shame attacking exercises" (technical name for making yourself look stupid in front of people :)) on dr. Burn's page and found this: https://feelinggood.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/3a407-shame-attackng-v-1.pdf https://feelinggood.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/3a407-sha... IMPORTANT: Theres a whole theory behind exposure (which shame attacking is) and if you do it incorrectly, it can make things worse (for instance, if someone starts laughing at you, your anxiety might worsen). So if you're in a rough place, or unsure if it's for you, better do it under therapist's supervision!

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skip_region 3y ago

Awesome idea! Long time lurker! Org psychologist by trade, unemployed right now. If you need additional help or ideas, let me know! Would love to volunteer my time to help you succeed!

toomasb 3y ago
Thanks for the kind words :) Let's discuss! Contact info in profile

dbg31415 3y ago

What's the cost? It says "70% off" but doesn't show the actual price anywhere. What's up with that? You are dealing with a bunch of anxious people, I would think up-front information would go a long way! (=